More Yarn for Me!

It Was Dark That Day

2012-01-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

It was dark that day

I ripped out my heart for you

and walked to the light

Words I Love and You

2012-01-26T22:39:00.001-05:00

The words fall
From your pen
Through your fingers
Spilling from your lips
Droplets of sound
Raining down meaning
Love and sex and pain and yearning
Desire transformed aloud
Aching I reach for you
Fill me with your essence
Your words in physical form
Speak me into meaning
Transfixed by the rhythm
The droplets splashing on the page
Merging with my wetness
As you quench my thirst
What can I ask my love
That you have not answered
With your words
Stroked against my skin
Magical words collide
Poured out into mine
Raging rivers of passion
Tides ebbing out to sea
Salt water emotions
Form rivers on my face
Experiential transformation
Baptismal font of words
Sweat slicked and sated
Gasping out the last
droplets of desire
Words I love and you

Finally Home Again

2012-01-23T01:44:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of time
Souls intertwined
Perfection melted together
One entity
In peace
And love
Shattered to hell
Cursed
Damned
Good and evil coexist
Evil left it's mark
Scattering pieces to the winds
And so we search
For those pieces
That fit into us
Those people
That are a part of us
And make us whole
When I hold you
In my arms
And look in your eyes
I see a little piece of me
That was missing for so long
Finally home again

The Music of Your Soul

2012-01-23T00:30:00.000-05:00

I hear the music

of your soul

the syncopated rhythm

of your love

and I dance.

Set Fear Aside

2012-01-22T12:17:00.000-05:00

There comes a time
When you must set fear aside
Each moment leading up to that time
Is more painful than the last
As fear closes in
Squeezing every cell
Every fiber
Of your being
Until the simple act
Of expanding your lungs
Is a near-impossible feat of perseverance
Pushing your will power
To live
To survive
Beyond what you think are your limits
Only to find
When you finally say
ENOUGH
I can't live like this
And you step past the fear
Dropping it like the baggage it is
That not only can you now breathe
But that the air is sweet
And full of hope
And love
And you are so much
Stronger
So much more
Alive
So much more
You.
But only after you take that first
Seemingly impossible
Step
And set fear aside.
It's not impossible.
And it is time.

What You Can Do

2012-01-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

I am a content creator. One of the first things I learned when I was studying photography was the copyright laws and how they applied to the latent image on the film from the moment the exposure is made. That's right, for those of you that grew up post actual film, the image (and its ownership) is sacred and copywritten the instant it exists in the camera. Protecting that copywrite was a very different matter back then and possession was nine tenths of the law, as the expression goes. The negative was a physical thing that couldn't be duplicated by a simple click of the mouse. Publication wasn't instantaneous and world wide.

Today, theft and piracy are constant threats for anyone who creates art and content and publishes it electronically. We are all on guard constantly to make sure that not only is our material not being used without our express authorization, but also that we are not leaving ourselves vulnerable to theft by corporations with questionable terms of service contracts.

As terrible as online piracy is, and the threat is real, the answer is not government censorship, or the potential ability to censor. Censorship of legitimate activities because of the potential bad behavior of others is not how I want my country to be run. I don't want a bunch of rich white men who don't know an IP address from an IHoP telling me what I can or can't put up on MY sites.

Being anti-SOPA or anti-PIPA does not mean I am for piracy, it means I am against my government trying to regulate something it's ruling membership doesn't even understand by means of censorship at the expense of the innocent.

Today, this site went dark in solidarity with hundreds of thousands of other websites large and small to boycott the pending SOPA and PIPA legislation. But, we need your help to make our point to the elected officials that want to curtail our rights to put our content up without the risk of censorship.

Please contact your representatives to Congress and tell them that if they support these bills, instead of the internet going dark, it will be the lights in their district offices going dark when we vote them out of office.

You can find your representative and their contact information HERE.

Stop SOPA

2012-01-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

Please tell you representatives in congress that you oppose the proposed SOPA legislation.

On January 18, 2012 I will be refraining from tweeting, posting on facebook or Google+, and posting here. My site, ChocolateScotch.com will be down from 8am-8pm est.

Max's List

2012-01-15T11:10:00.000-05:00

We have always kept a grocery list on the refrigerator. The theory is that when you notice you are using the last of something (or god forbid getting close to the last of something) or you want something that we are already out of you write it on the list. The truth is that more often than not I'm the one to write most of the stuff down. When the kids first attempt to write something (like candy) on the list in beginner penmanship it has been amusing. Never, has it purposefully been used for comic effect. Until now...

This morning as I went to the fridge to get the butter for my toast and the milk for my latte I noticed writing on the list. I had gone to the grocery store just a couple of days ago, I knew I hadn't started a new list yet, and the younger kids are with their dad this weekend.

Hmmm...I wonder what Max wants from the store?

Vodka

Tequila

Strippers

Fireworks (the big illegal kind)

Happy-in-a-can

Monkeys

Midgets

Midget-Monkeys

*SNORT* Good thing I wasn't already drinking my tea...

Now I wonder how long he's been waiting for me to notice...

Crap

2012-01-14T00:40:00.000-05:00

I am writing
Crap
Thoughts swirling
Torturing
Disemboweling me
And all I can write is
Crap
My brains are oozing out my ears
Art
Ideas
Pain
Images of beauty
Thoughts of suicide
A banal existence
Torture
Freud
And Sherlock
Webster
And Barnum
Candy-ass
Wise-ass
Hocus pocus clowns on parade
And you
Pressure from all sides
Pinching my nipples
Making me squirm
Life
Equations about money
And fairness
Numbers should be
The happiest of things
Create something new
Something
The world can't do without
Something
Razor-bladed truth
Vivisected
Dipped and dunked
In bile
Love and longing
Fantasies of paranoia
Coping mechanisms
That destroy innocence
We are all innocent
Guilty of other crimes
Of being something new
Even as we age
Of wanting more
Out of less
Artists
Musicians
Mystic healers
Opening doors and minds
Let me in, dammit
It's cold out here
In the darkness of my mind
Bright colors
Of love and lust
Contradictions
Emotion
Logic
The train has left the station
And I missed my ride
Ghosts haunting
Dickens words
When all else fails
Reinvent the classics
Originality is a myth
My pain is not new
My heart is not broken
Continuity
From generation to generation
Songs and stories
Are the same
These thoughts swirling
Are not new
Just disturbing
Senseless
Crap

In This Place

2012-01-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

In this place of my imagining
There is love
In this place of my dreams
There is you

In this place of desire
I am wrapped in you
In this place of peace
You are wrapped in me

In the real world
You are far from me
In the here and now
I am alone

In my words
I bring you closer
In my visions
We are one

Discovering Truths

2012-01-08T17:02:00.000-05:00

‎I love when you are my muse

And help me think things through

Discovering truths alone is good.

Discovering truths with someone you love

Is Nirvana.

Originally published November 16, 2010

I Found You

2012-01-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

As I let go of all the pain

let go of the hurt and the hate

my heart was open and empty

and love came in

As I learned that jealousy

happens when I am insecure

and that passive aggression

is just immaturity, I have grown

As I began to understand

myself and all my faults

I gained insight into others

and their shortcomings as well

When I let love come in

I began to understand and grow

And as I gained insight

I found you.

As I Choose to Be

2012-01-05T08:10:00.000-05:00

Horror makes me laugh
You can not write a demon
Worse than what I've faced

I've seen time stand still
Stared into Hell's dark abyss
Rescued by a friend

And so now I know
That everything is precious
Even bad days good

Each tick of the clock
An individual joy
That won't come again

So thrill me with death
Write of wanton destruction
I'm stronger than that

I can read knowing
I'm safe in the here and now
As I choose to be

You Know Who You Are

2012-01-04T23:13:00.002-05:00

Experiencing
Need and want at the same time

You know who you are

Fault Lines

2012-01-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

there are fissures

running through my heart and soul

like the fault lines

through a piece of marble

that make some view it as worthless

but a great sculptor

sees and knows

and with a gentle and skilled hand

uses what others see as fault

to bring forth the perfection

the otherwise unseen inner beauty

this artist shaped by other artists

stronger from the polishing

the hammering away

rough treatment

by loving hands

that can't fix the fault

because there is nothing to fix

when that which some see

as the problem

is really the solution

and the fault lies not with the stone

but with the viewer

3 in 1

2012-01-02T23:05:00.002-05:00

Part one: New Year's Day

Part two: Sach's Covered Bridge

Part three: Gettysburg National Cemetery

Part four: Forever Here Now

I'm combining three different themes into this last post: self portraits, photographing the photographer, and misc/nature shots.

I realize in looking at these after the fact that my shadow resembles a fire hydrant more than anything else. Lovely.

I'm always curious to see how other photographers work, and then to see the images they get...

Hey, Adam! Surprise...

And, that's all, folks...

It was a wonderful morning; a great way to start the new year. I can't wait to see the images that Adam got...

Forever Here Now

2012-01-02T19:23:00.002-05:00

Part one of this series: New Year's Day

Part two: Sach's Covered Bridge

Part three: Gettysburg National Cemetery

Forever Here Now

there are so many

monuments to fallen men

markers of the dead

groups from near and far

they left their homes and families

to fight for ideals

they killed and were killed

on these rocks and in these fields

the tens of thousands

we erected stones

hunks of granite and marble

stood against the sky

they stand as markers

so many they make us numb

and lose all meaning

troops and generals

fallen from so many states

remembered in stone

sentries that don't see

the ghosts that gather around

forever here now

Often it's the simple things that have the greatest impact. This is a grave stone inside the National Cemetery. The elaborate monuments of generals and angels and the exquisite architecture of the bigger memorials didn't have the impact on me as this small, simple stone. Two words and a number.

Gettysburg National Cemetery

2012-01-02T13:44:00.000-05:00

This is the third post in a series from the trip I took to Gettysburg with my friend, Adam, on New Year's Day. The prologue and my favorite picture of that first sunrise of a new year is here. Pictures of Sach's Covered Bridge and the water it spans are here.

This was my first time to the Gettysburg National Cemetery. It surprised me to realize how many times I had driven by the cemetery itself and not gone in. There is still more to the cemetery that I haven't explored; just one more reason for my next return trip...

Markers like this one dot the landscape. They are so common, that if you live here you seldom stop to read what they have to say. It's such a simple marker...

It really bothered me that a sign like this is necessary here. This has a lot to do with why I try to pick times when the area isn't overrun by tourists.

The Gettysburg Address. A brilliant example of less is more when it comes to writing and word count. It is extremely brief and yet delivers so much in meaning and emotion.

This was the first time I had been here close to the holidays. I hadn't realized that these beautiful, simple wreaths would be here. The bright colors just accentuate the sadness and the beauty of this place for me.

This sign really struck me. In part, because it is right next to these little markers that just have numbers on them. When I asked Adam what he thought the numbers were for he said, "Unknown soldiers". Which I suppose I should have been able to guess. So, I had to walk to the end of the numbers...

979. Unknown.

Amidst all the sadness of this place, nature reminds me that there is also always life.

A female Hairy Woodpecker tapping away in search of a snack.

Sach's Covered Bridge

2012-01-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

You can read the prologue to my New Year's Day photo shoot here.

The first place we stopped was Sach's Covered Bridge.

While I enjoy taking photos for their artistic merit, I also love documenting a place so that others can get a sense of the history as well; a sense of the place as a whole.

So basically, this is a beautiful place; just not a fun place.

I love that it was a conversation with Max that prompted me to make this trip to Gettysburg and that I saw this inside the bridge. Made me smile.

New Year's Day

2012-01-02T11:43:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really hard time finding words for this...

I've written about my feelings for Gettysburg.

I need to write more about choices. About being deliberate. About understanding myself. About making choices that support my artistic endeavors. About getting off my ass, fighting inertia, and doing things that are good for me.

What does all of this have to do with anything?

Max drove me to work on Friday. Because he was driving, I was free to notice the little bit of fog. The fog reminded me of Gettysburg and I realized it had been a while since I had been there. I mentioned that maybe this weekend would be a good time to drive down since the younger boys would be with their dad. This thought/comment was then filed in the back of my brain.

I met a friend, Adam, for lunch on Saturday. We were talking about photography and art and creativity. As I started to mention Gettysburg that comment I had made to Max popped to the surface...

I started to dismiss it and Adam asked if I wanted to go to Gettysburg. I started to dismiss the idea again when I realized tomorrow would be New Year's Day. Then it hit me. The new year. Sunrise. The beginning of a beginning. And somehow in that moment it became important for me in a symbolic way. I needed to chose to start this year off creatively. I needed to start this year in the kind of zen that comes from that place. From looking at things I've seen a dozen times yet always look new. From trying to share the dichotomy of deep sadness and joy I experience there.

So I went to sleep early on New Year's Eve. I missed the saying goodbye to the old. Not really. I had already said my goodbyes to one of the worst years I've ever lived through. I hardly slept. I was energized with anticipation. Looking forward to something is a wonderful way to feel.

Adam showed me a beautiful covered bridge he had photographed with friends before, I showed him Little Round Top, and we both saw the National Cemetery for the first time. It was a wonderful way to start 2012.

I'll put the sunrise here; the images of the bridge and battlefield will follow in separate posts.

I Trust You

2011-12-31T08:58:00.000-05:00

I trust you to be you
To say things that make me think
That make me laugh
And smile
Sometimes all of the above
Sometimes I just shake my head

I trust you to take
Unlikely events and people
And mix them with science
Creating fiction
That works
In a brilliant way

I trust you to argue with me
In the good way
To make me think
Questioning beliefs
Exploring thoughts
Making me a better person

I trust you to be sexy
And even sweet
Raunchy and dirty
I trust you to be
All of these things because
I trust you to be you

Tell Me a Lie

2011-12-29T23:37:00.000-05:00

There is a truth
In loneliness
A truth in facing
Yourself
Tell me a lie

Most days
I crave that truth
Crave those lessons
I can only learn
On my own

But there comes a time
When I've had enough truth
Enough lessons
And all I want is you
Telling me a sweet little lie

Any lie
Of love
will do
Forever
Together

So long
As you hold me
And love me
The truth is overrated
I'd rather have you

My Holiday Wish

2011-12-25T06:26:00.002-05:00

My holiday wish
peace, joy, love, laughter, health, and
happiness to you

Christmas 2011. Thank you.

2011-12-24T06:46:00.004-05:00

Two years ago I posted a holiday rant. I re-read it yesterday and winced at the levels of anger, frustration, disillusionment, and pure bitchiness I displayed there. And yet, I'm glad it's there. It gives me a frame of reference. It reminds me that I write these things for me. It also showed me how much I've changed over the past couple of years.

The commercialism of this time of year still drives me insane. Instead of becoming quite so angry about it, now I just do my best to avoid it. Before I was jealous that I didn't have the means to participate in the gluttony. Now I have even less and I finally realized that it's not something I wish to participate in anyway. Sometimes less really is more.

Last year I became person-non gratta on my ex's side of the family. It hurt like hell to be kicked to the curb by people I love and respect. It angered me that they only saw his side. And, it took me a while to understand that of course that's what they are going to do. I finally saw how silly it was for me to think anything else would or should happen. I still miss some of them terribly, but I'm finally at peace with this part of how the divorce has impacted my life.

I've never liked family gatherings. This year, I'm getting a huge dose of irony. This year I won't have to suffer through the family gathering because the only family still living in the same part of the country as me is my youngest sister and we hardly speak. I'm closer to my mom than I've ever been in my adult life and now they are embarking on a new adventure by moving down to Florida. I guess this is a lesson in karma for me. Duly noted. As much as I miss my parents, I am happy that our relationships have improved. This is so much better than having them close by and not speaking. So, while I miss them, I am also happy for them and hope they find happiness and adventures where they are now.

We had an artificial tree for years and last year, like every thing else around here, it finally broke beyond the possibility for repair. The ex got a real tree for the first time in years and we had a very tense holiday still under the same roof. This year I can't afford a new fake tree and didn't even consider a live one. I don't have the money anyway, didn't want to kill a tree, and if I did it would just be a fire hazard as I wouldn't remember to water it. So, for the first time in ages, no tree. I'm okay with that. I'm glad to not get the ornaments out and go through all of the memories that each one holds. I worry about how the boys are with this change, but they seem to be taking it in stride.

I am looking forward to celebrating with my boys this year; starting some new traditions based not on judeo-christian beliefs that I don't necessarily share, but on a sense of family, love, togetherness, and creativity. Christmas dinner will not be a re-telling of Thanksgiving. This year we're going to make one of our favorite foods, pizza, together. Max is still lobbying for either Chinese food or a pizza delivery. But he's been out voted and we will be having a pizza building festival of food that night.

The hardest thing about the holidays for me is that Jake is still young enough to believe in Santa. It would be a lot easier if he didn't. He already knows that money is tight. But he hasn't made the leap from Mom has no money to Santa has no money. Because, thankfully, for him Christmas is still about magic.

A few weeks ago I was really upset about the holidays. I can barely afford to get the kids a few items of clothing and didn't know how to explain to Jake that Santa wasn't going to be bringing much to our house this year. A friend told me to not worry about it; that every kid deserved at least one fun thing from Santa, and she wanted to play Santa to my boys this year. I had a hard time accepting that someone would want to do something like this for me and my family. Meanwhile, presents have arrived this week and I'm finally starting to feel the same kind of excitement that Jake feels at the upcoming visit from Santa.

I've already received so many gifts this year. I have three sons that I am so proud of and love with all my heart. I am in a good place with my parents. I have a job that I love working with great co-workers where I get to spend my day helping people. I am constantly inspired by and in awe of the world around me in all its beauty and mystery. And, I have been blessed to have so many amazing people come into my life these past two years as friends and teachers.

So, my friend is playing Santa in the form of some fun things for the boys; but she's given me the best gifts I've ever received; her love and friendship, and the desire to one day repay her kindness and generosity by paying it forward to someone else.

Thank you.

Fragile Winter Sky

2011-12-23T15:36:00.000-05:00

Fragile winter sky
Robin's egg blue
Purple storm clouds
Threaten
To crack the shell

Feline Therapist

2011-12-22T17:53:00.001-05:00

Rumbling motor soothes
Kneading massage relaxes
Feline therapist

A Lover's Glance

2011-12-21T21:32:00.001-05:00

Liquid silk
Warm like your laughter
Envelopes me
Holds me
Soft waves caressing
Joy softly washes over
As I float in the smile
Of your eyes

Venturing Out Into the Unknown

2011-12-21T01:22:00.002-05:00

The unknown is a terrifying place
I am learning that every day
I hate it
But I can't get to a better place
Without first venturing out into the unknown

Originally published November 17, 2010

Even More

2011-12-21T01:20:00.000-05:00

Sounds and syllables strung together
in just the right ways
form your words
and make me love you
even more

Originally published November 16, 2010

Those Who Love Me Best

2011-12-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

Sneaking up behind
to tickle your neck and ear
favorite torture.

I have many names
called "Evil" and "Trouble" by
those who love me best.

Originally published November 15, 2010

Burn Brightly

2011-12-21T01:17:00.000-05:00

A couple of words
silly little words from you
make me smile all day.

With words and a smile
you infuse my soul with light
and I burn brightly.

Originally published November 15, 2010

Sleep Eludes Me

2011-12-21T01:16:00.001-05:00

Sleep eludes me
yet again
I turn my thoughts to you
and finally fall asleep
with a smile on my face.

Originally published November 14, 2010

Good Morning

2011-12-21T01:14:00.001-05:00

The soft light kisses

those little lines on your face

lines of character.

Tracing sunlit lines

of sweetness on sleeping skin

debating waking.

Day is beckoning

so along with the sunlight

I gently wake you.

Originally published November 14, 2010

The Best Things in Life

2011-12-21T01:12:00.000-05:00

Having friends you trust

who support and stand by you

the best things in life.

Originally published November 12, 2010

Reviews: Legends by Paul E. Cooley

2011-12-19T23:07:00.000-05:00

Legends is a combination of two stories, "The Last Hunter" and "Keepers". These are the first two entries in an ongoing series that combines ancient history, ancient mysteries, gods, monsters, love and loss. These first two stories introduce a creature--god? monster? yes!--and those who have been tasked with fighting him and making sure no one ever forgets the legends of the beast.

At a time when civilizations were first being formed, numerous religions fought for worshipers and influence. Many of their traditions and ideals seem strange to us now, but none as strange as Garaaga. As the stories unfold, the reader is forced to look at Garaaga, Garaaga's children, his worshippers, and those who would rid them all from the ancient landscape from multiple viewpoints; causing the reader to question who is good and who is evil.

There is a bitter sweetness to these stories. Cooley has added elements of love and lust to tales that are at other times brutally violent. The result is a rich tapestry of emotions and actions guaranteed to leave the reader begging for more.

At just $ 0.99 for both of these stories together, it's a deal you shouldn't pass up. You can find this newest offering at Amazon.

Disclaimer: Paul is one of my closest friends. I beta read his work and did the female voices for these stories in the podcast versions. I am obviously biased about him and his writing. He did not ask for (or even know I was going to do) this review. Check his work out for yourself and we can compare notes. I don't think you will be disappointed.

Sails Unfurled

2011-12-18T10:34:00.000-05:00

Sails unfurled in the dawning light
Wet with morning dew
Hoisted aloft to dry in the warmth of a new day
Bright and beautiful against an azure sky
The wind will push against them
And they against the wind
Travelling the world in search of love and life
A butterfly fluttering by

Procastination

2011-12-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

Procrastination

can be about many things

like being afraid.

Originally published November 13, 2010

Learning

2011-12-17T21:50:00.001-05:00

We are all students

in a lifetime of learning

what can you teach me?

Some of life's lessons

I must fail before I learn

eventually.

Determination

is all that is required

to learn anything.

Originally published November 12, 2010

Of God and Souls

2011-12-17T21:47:00.000-05:00

I look in your eyes
and can see into your soul
and know your heart too.

If God were scattered
little pieces each a soul
you and I connect.

There are no soul mates
only pieces connecting
to form a new whole.

Your soul shines brightly
pushing away the darkness
lighting up my world.

God is in us all
pieces of the universe
bound in flesh and blood.

Originally published November 11, 2010

The Poet

2011-12-17T21:45:00.000-05:00

When I write poetry I usually have a thought or feeling in mind when I start. I usually narrow it down to a word or two and then I hold this idea gently at the front of my mind. In my mind's eye I see this 'thing'. I turn it around; caressing it, and let the words come to me. Often it takes a number of these little poems for me to feel that I am satisfied with my expression of whatever the thought or feeling was.

My poetic forms of preference are the haiku (often the subform of the senryu) and the gogyohka. These little poems are meant to stand alone. Yet, I usually have a string of them that as a larger whole becomes a different sort of piece completely.

While I like the results I have achieved in these super-sized versions, I am learning to trust these little poems by themselves or in smaller groups. So, the next few posts will be truer to the nature of these forms than I have been in the past. In doing this, I am also forcing myself to work harder to get complete thoughts down in a much smaller space.

Please leave comments if anything strikes you in any way, good or bad. The only way I improve at anything I do in life is through feedback.

As always, thank you for spending some of your precious time and thought visiting here.

My darling poet

empty your heart on the page

tell me your desire.

You are so quiet

your poems, so eloquent

sing your unsaid words.

Originally published November 11, 2010

Standing at the Water's Edge

2011-12-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

I walk down to the ocean
Carrying my fears and insecurities
Hesitantly I step onto the sand
Weak, fragile, and alone
I falter and stumble
Wobbling in the shifting sand
Feeling my way to the water
One sinking, sliding step at a time
I grow tired, my burden heavy
Leaden legs the pain spreading
I unburden my load and rest
Forgetting it on the sand
Trudging onward
I fall into a rhythm
Letting myself look ungainly
Because it feels right

The more I relax
And let the sand dictate my pace
The easier it is to move
And my footing becomes firm
With each step forward
I gain new confidence
Focusing on relaxing
Feeling my strength grow
The roar of the ocean unnerving
A cacophony of sounds
Drowning out my thoughts
Bringing a deafening silence
The sea salt spray sandblasts
Wearing away self-doubt
Eroding my facade
I am left with me

The dawn slowly lifts
Newly born out of the waves
Pink and peach then glowing golden
Bringing light and warmth
For a moment as it rises
The sun seems trapped
Against the crashing surf
I wonder at the unseen chains
Sympathizing, I have my own
Invisible shackles pulling me down
Struggling spirits united
Breaking free to soar
I tentatively move closer
The waves and the water pull me in
Calling in a voice
That only the soul can hear

I am afraid of the deep, the unknowing
Fearing what lies beneath
I am alone and vulnerable
Easy prey for my fears
Testing the water
Feeding the waves one toe at a time
Hungrily they lick at me
Eating away my fears
The water is cool yet warm
How is that possible?
Impossibly soothing
Calming my fears
Standing at the water's edge
Listening, feeling, smelling
Senses reeling
I am finally centered

Originally published October 8, 2010

Life isn't Life

2011-12-17T21:37:00.001-05:00

Will you know the soul

that was cleaved from yours

by the sound of a voice?

By the words

as they are spoken?

By the look in their eyes?

Will you know

that soul

at all?

Or will they brush past you

escaping

into eternity?

Every day that passes

Lonely

without you

is one day closer

to being together

again.

Riotous colors

intoxicating scents

layers of flavor and meaning;

life isn't life

without the richness of things

or you.

Originally published September 24, 2010

In Your Shadow

2011-12-17T21:35:00.001-05:00

I am content

to stand in your shadow

sit at your feet

watching, listening, learning from you

for now.

One day soon

I will take your words

stack them end to end

climb up and jump off

and soar.

Until then

I am content

filling my mind

and my soul

with you.

Originally published September 23, 2010

Good and Evil

2011-12-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

Evil may lurk

in the hearts of men

but it takes

a woman

to unleash it

Soulful siren bewitching all

enticing others to do your bidding

taking pleasure and pain

greedy whore

taking all

Is it ever truly possible to reconcile a person

balance good and evil

profane and profound

accept them as they are and move on

Originally published September 22, 2010

Blood, Guts, and Gore

2011-12-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

Brain matter

fecal matter

blood, guts, and gore

Geesh! The things my friends write

I love them in spite of it

Every once in a while

I find myself getting sucked in

their words crafted so artfully

the build-up so slow and delicious

FUCK!

Sleepless Insecurity

2011-12-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

You haunt my dark night

thoughts of you send me sleepless

into tomorrow.

My voice's echo

reverberates around me

it too is alone.

The night's blackness clings

an inky residue left

hanging on my soul.

No point in crying

only insecurity

to share in my tears.

The cricket's chirping

lullabye for other souls

mocks my dreamless state.

As the world slumbers

alone awake and alone

my sentence final.

As the dark night lifts

ushering in the new day

so lifts my spirit.

At dawn's first flicker

ember of hope glows in me

as I wait for you.

My fragility

held down so well in the light

runs free in the dark.

I question myself

I question all that I know

when left with myself.

I can't ask my friends

to be at my beck and call

because I am weak.

A heavyness falls

slowly drifting down on me

perhaps now I'll sleep

I am not myself

when fear and lonliness strike

or am I more me?

Friends see my failings

they give encouragement, love

they don't exploit them.

Rationality

doesn't always play a part

in how things affect.

For example: You.

Loving you was not my plan

and yet it happened.

Eyelids closing now

thoughts of you help me relax

holding you in dreams.

Originally published September 13, 2010

I Will Know

2011-12-16T00:06:00.000-05:00

Will I know your voice
If I'm in a crowded room
And you say my name?

I will know your love
When I kiss your sweet, soft lips
And you kiss me back

Will I know your face
If I pass you on the street
And you glance my way?

I will know your soul
When I look into your eyes
And see myself there.

Will I know your touch
If I stumble walking by
And you steady me?

I will know my life
When you are there beside me
And two becomes one

Reviews: Dead Mech by Jake Bible

2011-12-10T17:55:00.001-05:00

There are a few things to keep in mind when reading this review. First of all, I usually hate zombie stories. I just don't get them. The whole coming back to life to eat the living thing is patently stupid (imho). Not to mention scientifically preposterous. Secondly, I'm not a big fan of post-apocalyptic stories. They are just too damn depressing and dreary for my tastes. And, Finally, I have a low tolerance for blood, guts, gore, and violence--the ick factor. Well, I used to anyway...

I listened to the podcast version of Dead Mech and bought the ebook version because Jake is a friend. I'll try anything at least once and twice if a friend is involved. Reading and listening were both wonderful experiences but for different reasons. I highly recommend both.

This novel is unique in that it is the first drabble novel. A drabble is a piece of flash fiction that is exactly 100 words. Not 99. Not 101. I tried my hand at this form of writing last year and wrote about the process here. It was a very good experience for me, but not something I plan on repeating anytime soon. Jake wrote this story one drabble at a time. Each one is a complete thought, often a scene, sometimes a part of a scene. But, each is a perfect drabble. This alone astonishes me and made the read very enjoyable. Because of the nature of a drabble the writing is tight and precise.

Jake is a natural storyteller and hearing the book read by him was a joy. Dead Mech was his first podcasting experience and he learned and improved as he went; but it is good from the very first episode and only gets better.

For me, the thing that is the biggest determining factor in whether or not I like a story isn't the plot, or the genre, or the setting...it's the characters. If the writer can bring the characters to life and make me care about them, I'll follow them damn near anywhere. Jake does that beautifully here. The story lines are all good and tightly interwoven. But, the characters are real and memorable. I was surprised to realize when listening to his Q & A episode afterwards that he never gave full descriptions to any of the characters. Yet, even now, I still see them all clearly in my mind. And somehow I know the Rookie has blue eyes. Trust me on that.

Remember the objections I listed at the beginning of this: zombies, post-apocalyptic, and the ick factor? Well, this is about giant mechanized war machines in a post-apocalyptic world where not only are there zombies, but the mechs themselves become zombies...throw in some cannibalism and cage fighting and well, there you have it. Even with all of that, I absolutely LOVED this book. That's how wonderful the characters are and how fine a job Jake did with the writing.

There were moment when I laughed till I cried; others where I just cried. I finally get zombie stories--it's NOT about the zombies. The zombies are just the obstacle for the heroes to conquer.

This book is available in free podcast format at Podiobooks.com and in paperback and ebook versions at all the typical retailers. Jake is currently podcasting a second novel that happens at the same time as Dead Mech, a sidequel as it were... That Jakey, he's always gotta be different...

Jake's website
Amazon
B & N
Podiobooks

***Disclaimer***
I am not a professional critic (though I am rather critical of some things some days, but I digress). I occasionally will post a review of something I have enjoyed that I think is worth your time and/or money. I don't as a general rule put up negative reviews. Not because I love everything I see, hear, or read; but rather because I know how hard people work on these things and I have no intention of being overly critical. I would rather just not say anything than trash someone else's hard work. I usually know the people involved and want to do whatever I can to get their wonderful work out to more people. However, I don't write these because my friends created the work. I write them because I truly enjoyed the work itself. I receive no remuneration of any kind for any review I write.

Secrets

2011-12-10T01:23:00.001-05:00

I have secrets
things I hide
from everyone
everyone
but you

He told me
what a terrible person I am
he told me
and I believed him
I believed for so long

He knew me best
he knew my secrets
he knew me
so I had to believe him
had to

I told you my secrets
terrified you would tell me too
what a terrible person I am
you laughed and held me
I've loved you ever since

You have taught me
that we are more
than just our secrets
that I am more
than mine

So I stopped believing him
and started trusting myself
believing
in myself
thank you

Stuck

2011-12-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

I want to
need to
write
but the words
are stuck.

Thoughts are stuck in my head feelings in my heart
neither can find their way
out
onto the paper.

Balance

2011-12-07T20:04:00.001-05:00

There is death and dying
Trouble and pain
Everywhere we look
Everyday around us
Always

But there is light and life
Laughter and children
Love and kindness too
It's up to us
To find them

We move through this world
Through ages and stages
Dealing with both extremes
And everything else
In between

We grow in understanding
As we age
Learning the universe
All its mysteries
Pleasure and pain

Appreciating the happy times
Doesn't make the sad easier
Knowing they existed
And will again
Can help

We take our turns
Being the one in pain
We also spend time
Being the one supporting
We balance each other

Yesterday I was in pain
Today I offer my shoulder
To you
It's the least I can do
For my friend.

Reviews: The Golden Age of the Solar Clipper: The Share Series by Nathan Lowell

2011-12-04T13:19:00.006-05:00

Millions of books are published every year. Many are worth your time. Some are great stories. Few have characters that become a part of you; characters you genuinely care about; characters you wish you knew in real life. Ishmael Horatio Wang (rhymes with gong) is one of those characters.

The books in this series--and thankfully there are six, though I still wish there were more--are Quarter Share, Half Share, Full Share, Double Share, Captain's Share, and Owner's Share. A share is just that, a share in the profits of a trading ship. These ships ferry goods between worlds in the not so distant future.

These are not stories of epic space battles, or alien invasions. These are the stories of a boy becoming a man and facing the sort of personal challenges such a journey entails. He struggles with personal character issues in ways many of us wish we could. Ishmael is an imperfect person, as are we all, and he experiences triumphs, tragedies, love, and loss with a truly unique and endearing style.

If you are looking to read about epic space battles, these books aren't for you. If, however, you want to go on the journey of a lifetime, with characters you will forever hold dear in your heart, welcome aboard.

You can find these wonderful stories in a variety of formats (including free podcasts) at the following locations:

Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Smashwords
Podiobooks

And for more information, other works, podcasts, and info on what Nate is up to visit his site, NathanLowell.com.

***Disclaimer***
I am not a professional critic (though I am rather critical of some things some days, but I digress). I occasionally will post a review of something I have enjoyed that I think is worth your time and/or money. I don't as a general rule put up negative reviews. Not because I love everything I see, hear, or read; but rather because I know how hard people work on these things and I have no intention of being overly critical. I would rather just not say anything than trash someone else's hard work. I usually know the people involved and want to do whatever I can to get their wonderful work out to more people. However, I don't write these because my friends created the work. I write them because I truly enjoyed the work itself. I receive no remuneration of any kind for any review I write.

Circular Logic

2011-12-01T23:57:00.000-05:00

Circular logic
Coming back to square
Thoughts spiralling
Escher's fantasy is my reality
Pen and ink
Seeping through layers of consciousness
Staining morality
Play on words

Time travelling
Back to the future
A special circle in hell
Love crafted with unthinkable
The future was a remake
Of a past whose best days are his story
Written in the books
I'll write hers in mine

A Friend Like You

2011-11-30T22:00:00.001-05:00

I can not find words
To express my gratitude
For a friend like you

I am not worthy
Of your generosity
But I accept it

You tell me gently
Pay it forward when you can
I will. I promise.

You are a great friend
Even without this kindness
Thank you. I love you.

Little Steps

2011-11-27T08:09:00.000-05:00

Little steps
Most taken forward
Some taken back
Circles and serpentines
Taken one step at a time

Little lessons
Things learned
And unlearned
Through conversations with friends
And self assessment

Little memories
Come creeping in
The occasional good thought
Sadly, most are not
But making better ones now

Little goals
Mark each day
Simple things
Strung end to end
Help me achieve bigger things

Little laughs
Where before
There were sighs
Happiness is possible
I am proof

Little moments
Of love and laughter
Contentment and joy
Because I have you
In my life

Only In My Dreams

2011-11-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

Time to close my eyes

and feel your arms around me

only in my dreams

Sexy Fedora

2011-11-22T00:22:00.002-05:00

Making a statement
Face hidden beneath the brim
Sexy fedora.

Your Voice

2011-11-20T23:17:00.001-05:00

Your voice in my ear
Telling me to just hang on
Saves me from myself

Your hands wrapped in mine
The one I can never have
Yet love anyway.

Your eyes looking down
Into mine as we make love
Say things your mouth can't.

Your arms holding me
Tightly, gently, protecting
As I do the same

Your soul belongs here
Inside me wrapped around mine
Each the other's love

In the Pre-dawn Dark

2011-11-16T08:35:00.002-05:00

In the pre-dawn
Dark
I slowly
Wake
To the sound
Of a soft
Steady
Rain
Gently
Reminding me
That you are not
Here

Because I Love You

2011-11-14T21:01:00.001-05:00

Because I love you
I want you to be happy
whatever that means.

If it isn't me
to be your one and only
I will still love you.

You Too

2011-11-14T20:58:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a heartbreak
Is inevitable
And you see the signs
Long before you finally
Confront it

When the person you love
Leaves you for another
Knowing they will be happier
And being truly happy for them
Lessons the pain if only a little.

Focus on that love
Hope for their happiness
And know that one day
You too
Will find happiness.

A Moment

2011-11-09T23:27:00.000-05:00

There is a moment
of crystal clear clarity
when you find your love.
And in that moment
you see life and love and truth
and the angels sing.

I am Your Shelter

2011-11-06T15:54:00.001-05:00

I am your shelter
from the storm that life becomes
you are safe in me.
When the cold winds howl
take refuge here in my arms
I will protect you.
Let the storm rage on
we can endure anything
when we're together.

Cool Water

2011-10-31T08:44:00.001-04:00

where consciousness and dreams meet

magical place to explore

hiding in plain sight in shadows

realms of darkness in your soul

twisting, spinning, dancing aloft

dizzying spirals

riding the warm updrafts

butterfly wings

molten lava, angry flames unleashed

hell-hound's fury just barely contained

waiting to spring

cool water, soul restoring

calming, soothing

you kissing me

originally published 9/2/10

I want to be...

2011-10-31T08:36:00.000-04:00

I want to be
Your possession
Your treasure
Your magic potion
Giving you love
And strength
And joy
And peace
Healing you
Loving you
Your equal
Your everything

originally published 8/11/10

2011-10-31T00:59:00.000-04:00

"Don't Wanna Do" was originally titled "Action and Inaction". It was written in a minute and then I spent the next 30 worrying about what HE would think about it. It was that process of debating how someone would interpret my work that led me to the decision to pull all creative and/or personal works down from my blog.

I am so glad I made that decision; it was the right one at the time. It led me to create ChocolateScotch. Deciding to put my work back up was also the right decision. I had to first get to the point where I was publishing my words for ME; not for anyone else, not because of anyone else, by me and for me.

That little poem means a lot to me. I've learned a lot about myself since it was first written. I've learned how important my words are to me. I've learned that when I need help, all I have to do is ask. I've learned that I have amazing friends who are so very gifted. I've learned a lot about myself; how I work, how I deal with things. I've learned how to handle my depression and keep it from handling me.

That's a lot to put on a simple little poem. But I'm pretty sure it and the woman who wrote it can handle the load.

Don't Wanna Do

2011-10-31T00:34:00.000-04:00

Lists of must do
should do
have to do

Don't wanna do
not gonna do
you can't make me do

The child in me screams
and cries
throwing a bloody fit

The adult in me sighs
shrugs off another round of depression
and gets to work

Dance Naked

2011-10-31T00:18:00.001-04:00

Her fingers are shorter and thicker than you would imagine a pianist would have
But she stretches past an octave and a third with sheer determination
And knows Beethovan as intimately as her lover
Those same fingers seek out the dial and search for a different sound
Her heart skips the downbeat when the next song comes on
And her foot taps to the rhythm before she consciously recognises artist or title
The music owns her soul and her body too
Her arms criss-cross around her in an odd embrace
And she pulls her dress up and off as she twirls unencumbered by cloth or self-consciousness
Her joy is her own flowing out like a geyser
Erupting from the deep spring that is her soul
And she dances naked across her kitchen singing for all she is worth.

In stitches

2011-10-20T08:53:00.000-04:00

I use my needles
To have a conversation
In stitches with yarn

Different Doesn't Need To Be Fixed

2011-10-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

This morning when I was tweeting all the stuff I had to do and how much I was getting accomplished a friend replied that she wished she had my energy. I first told her that I had been really lazy yesterday so this is what I get. I then went on to tell her that I tend to procrastinate and then work like hell and that is just one more thing I need to work on.

And then I thought about that statement. I've learned my personal style or preference for how I go about things. Give me a deadline and I will meet it. I won't be early, but I will be on time. What's wrong with that? Nothing. That's what.

I understand the mindset of not being comfortable doing nothing when there is something to be done and wanting to get whatever it is done first so that all obligations are met. I understand it, I can't live it.

This difference in styles is one of the fundamental differences between my ex and myself. And, for the longest time I bought into the idea that there was something wrong with me for not having the drive to do it his way. That I was lazy for not getting right on something that needs to be done.

But I have come to learn that I don't operate that way. Like I said, give me a task and give me a due date, and I'll get it done by that date. And, there's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people have the very same work style.

For me, life is more about understanding and accepting myself and others than about finding fault and trying to change things that work for me just because they don't work for someone else. Are there things about myself that I think need to be changed? Absolutely. Is this one of them? Not by a longshot.

So, he (and those that work the same way he does) can get it done first and then bask in their early achievement. I, on the other hand, will procrastinate right up to that critical point when I turn on the afterburners and work like hell.

It may not work for him, or you. But, it works for me and that's what matters. It is, afterall, MY style of doing things.

And, just because it's different, doesn't mean it needs to fixed.

Color Sense

2011-10-08T09:57:00.000-04:00

I started to think
About the senses
And how we experience
The world, in all its richness
Around us

And before touch
Or taste, or smell
Or hearing, or even sight
The word, color
Popped into my head

I tried to dismiss it
Thinking it just a part of sight
And a flash of brightness
Came to mind
And I felt the heat of red

I thought of yellow
And tasted the sour
I thought of pink
And smelled the sweetness
All at the same time

I heard the orchestra
Swell with purple and black
Chartreuse has a peculiar smell
Maybe that's why it's taken me
So long to embrace it

This sense of color
Touches, twines around
Is part of
And yet, separate from
All my other senses

It enhances them
Modifies them
But is something I feel
Completely separately
A perfect thing all its own

So in thinking
About my senses
I've discovered
The most important sense of all
My sense of color

Life Vest

2011-10-08T09:24:00.000-04:00

Words wrap around me
Protecting and comforting
Thoughts are my life vest

Happily Adrift

2011-10-08T09:09:00.000-04:00

Floating on a sea
Of peace and tranquillity
Happily adrift

For So Long

2011-10-07T22:49:00.001-04:00

when you're not aware

that something is missing in your life

you feel nothing about it.

you don't know what you don't know

but when someone pulls back the curtain

and exposes the giant gapping whole in your life

in your soul,

your very existance...

you don't know you're missing something

until it completes you

you can't help but feel

an exquisite sort of pain
heartbreaking emptiness

that the missing part

not only IS missing

but that it HAS BEEN missing...

for so long

Floating

2011-10-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

Taking your face in my hands.

Kissing you so

slowly

achingly

slowly

tasting your drink on your tongue

sighing

feeling my heartbeat catch

then flutter

then race

nuzzling you

head to head

sighing in your ear

sucking on your earlobe

as if it could ever be a suitable substitute

for anything else

but want

to be sucking you

in any way

need to

need a lot of things about you

keep getting that pit of the stomach feeling

the same one from a rollercoaster

as you crest a hill

and outwit gravity

for a split second

and all your guts float

so I guess I'm saying

you make me feel like I'm floating

Colors of My Friends

2011-10-07T22:39:00.001-04:00

Color, tint, and shade

thought, emotion, subtlety

colors of a friend.

Broad sweeping brush stroke

painting pictures of my friends

I need more colors.

One is rich and deep

many layers, mostly blues

subtlety of wit.

Flashes of brilliance

and vulnerability

within the layers.

Blues don't excite me

not usually that is

this one is special.

Something about those

layers where life and love lay

in between those blues.

Desert, mountains, air

the color of a deep breath

fire in a soul.

Bold strokes friend of blue

hide the subtlety of you

and so I love you.

This friend I must paint

quickly for he's seldom still

a kaleidoscope.

Colors tumble round

bright, vibrant, colors moving

showing me so much.

Colors of love, lust

mixed with loss, and pain, and hurt

hope and joy there too.

Colors of friendship

strong, deep, safe, gentle brother

jewel tones for you.

For this friend-purple

one of my favorite hues

fit for gods and kings.

A nobility

graceful gentleness, kind heart

described in this hue.

Mischief is here too

the colors of a deep laugh

shading of a smile.

An honest brush stroke

faithfulness above all else

is painted here too.

The colors of you

make you so special to me

you make me stronger.

Some friends I hold tight

afraid of my own shadow

relying on them.

They are gracious, kind

patient when I cling too tight

they teach me to fly.

As I spread my wings

I see the colors of them

have rubbed off on me.

Many friends are new

many colors still hidden

takes time to see you.

But in each, "Hello"

each glance, word, kiss, and embrace

I see more colors.

As you reveal you

add more color to canvas

my love for you grows.

I immerse myself in you

swirl your colors around me

loving learning you.

And in learning you

I find wisdom about me

painting both of us.

Emotional Amputation

2011-10-01T01:16:00.001-04:00

‎People talk about their heart
Aching for someone.
‎It's not my heart that aches
‎It's my skin

‎To feel him against me--curled around me.
‎That's what hurts the most
‎Like phantom pain
‎After an amputation

‎As I wake in the morning
‎I can feel him there
‎Feel him beside me
Feel him inside me

‎And then I open my eyes
‎And the sense of loss is so overwhelming
‎I start off each day with that kind of pain
‎And yet, I survive

Dear Friend,

2011-09-29T22:02:00.000-04:00

Good morning dear friend,

Re-reading your blog.

And wondering how you are doing now.

Wondering if you understand this gift you have.

Wondering how to help you see.

How to give you happiness?

Wishing you were closer

So that I could hold you quietly

When you doubt yourself so completely.

Wishing you were here, or I there

So that I could show you

All the people you touch everyday.

Wondering if today will be a good day for you

Wondering what I can say to make it happen

Give you all good days.

Good morning dear friend

Just checking in as usual

To tell you I love you.

Searching

2011-09-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

This is being republished in its original form. You can read it in a very different form at ChocolateScotch.

Something missing here.

Searching to find what that might be--

Little piece of me.

Sing a song of love

Loves lost and longing for love

Sorrowful sonnet

Measured meters rhyme

Time finding time no meaning

Purposes are nil

Struggle with myself.

Looking for meaning where none.

Pushing aside fear.

Life disappoints me.

When realization hits--

ordinary me.

Special spark snuffed out.

It's brightness it's flame scary.

Better do without.

Time takes prisoners;

you, me, all of us someday.

We don't know better.

This emptiness speaks.

It's voice I don't want to hear.

Hiding from the truth

Pushing it down deep.

A special place created

no one else can see.

What is truth? Really?

If yours and mine are different

How can it be truth?

An absolution

absolutely completely.

What the hell is that?

Speaking in circles

tail chasing tail chasing me.

No one will notice.

Looking deep within

means I must open my eyes.

I don't want to see.

See, hear, think, and feel:

some of the ways we detect

when the world rings true.

Special circumstance

giving old words new meanings.

A strange kind of gift.

Something is lacking:

conviction, dedication

deliberation.

Angels feet touch down.

As they lightly tread reveal

true identity.

What of heaven? Hell?

Did Dante have gift of sight?

Will I see you there?

Blasphemous! Cry some.

Arcane dogma! Chant others.

I know where I stand.

Where? You ask of me.

Why? That's none of your business!

My faith is my own.

A woman's body

Is it hers? Or do you own?

Who gave you this right?

Why when you see me

do you only see my flaws

not my divine gifts?

There is a power

emanating from my soul.

If you look, you'll see.

Belief in your Self

so difficult to master

but necessary.

Ages old wisdom

nestles deep inside your soul.

Open your Self. See!

To you I bare all

hopes and fears, my secret self.

Will you protect me?

Searching. Searching still.

Coming to terms with answers

that answer nothing.

Smile! Dammit!

2011-09-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things are not

what they appear to be and

sometimes they just are

If you close your eyes

and listen with just your heart

you will hear the truth

You have conviction

in listing your shortcomings

what you lack is truth

Relativity

affects many things in life

not my love for you

When you feel the sun

caressing you with her warmth

feel my heart in yours

What the hell do I

need to do to make you smile?

Moon some passing cars?

Hey! Wow! Look at that!

Don't try and say you didn't.

I saw you grinning!

Poetry for a Friend

2011-09-28T10:06:00.000-04:00

Sneaking up behind
wrapping arms fiercely around

nuzzling neck nips ear

You're instantly hard

the best form of flattery

is turning you on

As much as I want

your body, your mind, your heart

intrigue me much more

Tell me your stories

tell me your craziest dream

that's what real friends do

There's a place inside

the very center of me

where there's room for you

You won't be alone

all I hold dear have a space

hearts have no boundaries

We may write fiction

but the truth is in the words

spoken between friends

Harrisburg Flood of 2011

2011-09-08T17:15:00.001-04:00

The mighty, sleeping giantess

awoke today;

stretched her liquid arms

reached out with many fingers

and embraced the world around her.

Success Guest Posts Wanted

2011-09-07T09:21:00.000-04:00

Back on June 7th I got one of my hair-brained ideas; I decided to ask for guest posts on the subjects of Art, Creativity, and/or Inspiration. In addition to putting out the post and a few tweets, I sent out direct messages inviting creative folks I knew to participate.

The resulting posts went up on a new site called ChocolateScotch.com. As of today, there are 63 guest posts on those topics. They range from an audio response to a sonnet, to a fictionalized account of me searching for thoughts on creativity inside the mind of a friend. And while I think the possibilities for posts about art, creativity, and/or inspiration are endless, I've decided to move on and give you a new topic: success.

So tell me what "success" means to you. What is it? How do you define it? Is it lasting? Fleeting? Elusive? Possible? How do you know when you are successful? What constitutes success for you? Work? Fame? Family? Money? And, once you define it, how long till that definition changes?

You can send your thoughts (along with a short bio if you are new to Chocolate Scotch as a contributor) to DyedBrightHere (at) gmail (dot) com.

Max Bell

2011-07-26T11:11:00.002-04:00

My dear friend, Max Bell, suffered terribly from COPD. He lived somewhere on the Northern Left Coast and we never met face-to-face. He could be a cantankerous bastard but I understood why. He made me think. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And, I loved him dearly.

He had a pet hedgehog. That alone made him remarkably special to me. But beyond the simple things, he believed in fairness, equality, common decency, all of those things that would make the world a much better place.

This morning I received an email from him with the subject line, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."--Dr. Seuss. It was a simple message signed by his mom:

Max is no more. He left this planet last Saturday quietly without pain or fear.
In place of a memorial please hug someone or vote democratic. Either would please him.

He contributed an essay to The Creativity Blog Project that will run on August 1st. Even his bio made me laugh when I read it and I still smile every time I see it.

Max Bell is just a guy with a hedgehog, a computer, and an internet connection.

Thank you, Max, for making my life just a little bit brighter just by knowing you. I am so very happy that you are finally free from the pain you endured with such grace and so very, very sad that I can't talk to you anymore.

This space for rent:

2011-07-23T17:38:00.000-04:00

THIS

SPACE

FOR

RENT

Not really, but I might as well since I'm not keeping my creative content here. My draft count for this site is currently at 95. I wonder if I can get the drafts to outnumber the posts before I put everything back up again on some as yet undetermined date in the too far future.

On Freedom and copyrights

2011-07-03T12:55:00.002-04:00

If you are a creative and a customer of Dropbox hopefully you are aware of the current brewhaha going on now. Dropbox changed their TOS (terms of service) and a stampede for the exit door ensued.

A safe, inexpensive, reliable way to back up our data in all its various forms is something just about every computer user needs. Dropbox came along and offered a wonderful solution. They are a cloud based (somewhere in the etherwebs...off site...on their virtual servers) service where you can easily upload your files to their secure servers and then access them from any location that has internet access and even more importantly, share folders with other users. Every time you save a file dropbox keeps the older versions too. So, if something happens to your file, you can always retrieve the last save or any prior versions.

As an editor, and voice actor I have found dropbox to be invaluable. Before I started using dropbox, my battery died on my laptop while open office was open. I was 3 weeks into editing a novel and the entire file was corrupted. After drying my tears, I moved the original manuscript to dropbox and started over with a new open office version that I made my notes and changes to. Every time I hit save (or the program auto saved) I knew it was safe. When collaborating across 1500 miles on an audio project, a reliable way to transfer files in raw format is critical. If I have to use email then I have to compress the file and in doing so the audio engineer or editor on the other end has a lot less information to work with. With dropbox I could share files with all the people I work with easily.

The problem with the new TOS is that the language implies that dropbox is laying claim to the copyright of everything stored in their service and can not be held responsible if they use anything in any way without the true copyright holder's permission or compensation. They are saying that by agreeing to their TOS a customer is giving them permission to use their copyrighted material and also that the person putting it on their service owns the rights to whatever they are storing there.

In my personal case, I do not own the copyrights to a lot of the materials I was storing there. I am simply working on someone else's work. For that reason, when I was made aware of this change, I had to remove all works that are not mine. I can't risk someone else's copyrights. If something should happen to someone else's intellectual property while in my care I can't imagine what that would do to me not just as an editor but as a friend.

Now, I'm sure this all started when an attorney for Dropbox thought they were making their TOS better for Dropbox. It sounds like legalise designed for the CYA approach to business. Unfortunately for Dropbox I don't want you covering your corporate ass at the expense of my, and my clients and friends, rights as a creator. Since this started, they have been updating and improving the language of their TOS multiple times. I understand they need to take care of business and safeguard their company. But as a consumer, I have rights too. Corporate America seems to think their rights supersede mine. So, while the attorneys and CEO's have the right to create whatever TOS they want, I have the right to chose to not use your product.

So, all the files my creative friends and clients have entrusted to my care are now safely down out of the clouds and I'm back to the old fashioned backup of using an additional hard drive while I wait for Dropbox to decide what their TOS is or will be. And now, I'm also tasked with looking for secure alternatives for file sharing.

Seems that celebrating freedom this year has taken on a slightly different meaning in terms of freedom to own copywritten material...

Happy 4th of July.

For additional thoughts (and more in-depth analysis of the legalese) on this issue, please visit my friend Dan Sawyer's site http://jdsawyer.net.

Go read...

2011-06-19T20:06:00.000-04:00

There is a wonderful (and creative--go figure) post by my good friend Keith Dugger on listening to that voice within that urges us as artists to get off our butts and go do, HERE... My wish for this post is simple...go read it.

One Day by Keith Dugger

2011-06-13T22:40:00.000-04:00

I had a terrible, horrible, day today. Doubting myself. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. All those rotten emotions kept coming at me even as I tried to find my center, my balance. I had let someone upset and anger me well beyond what I should have. Basically, it was just one of those days.

When I tried to vent some of this I became even more frustrated and angry because I was censoring myself. It's hard to vent and hold your thoughts back at the same time. Then I received an email from one of my best friends, Keith Dugger. At the first two words the tears started to flow and by the end I was bawling like a baby. I guess I needed that.

Thank you, Keith for the gift of your words, your friendship, and for always knowing what I need from you even when I don't know myself. I love this.

One Day

by Keith Dugger

One day you'll look up and it'll be there. You may have stopped looking for it, hoping and praying for it by then. You may have stopped believing that you deserve it. At the time, you won't recognize it. Even if you catch a glimpse of something you remember, you'll tell yourself that it isn't possible. You'll see what the world around you had taught you to see, but it'll be there.

One day you'll look up and you'll realize that it's been there all along. Even when others might have said different or pulled you down with them. It's the little things that bring it, it's the little things that tear it down. But it's there. Waiting. It's patient and it'll wait for you in the silvery shadows for as long as it takes for you to remember that you deserve its friendship, its companionship.

One day you'll look up and it'll be there staring back at you with a smile that seems humanly impossible. And that will be the day happiness reminded you that it was there.

Interrogation by Dave Sobkowiak

2011-06-13T22:20:00.000-04:00

When a friend of mine, Dave Sobkowiak, saw the combination of posts from a few days ago he was inspired to create a little piece of writing for me.

The first post talked about my frustration at having to second guess which of my posts, which words, could or would be taken out of context or possibly used against me in some way by my soon-to-be-ex. And my decision to censor myself creatively and just not post any more poems for the time being. I then went on to take down about a third of my posts.

The second post was a call for submissions on Creativity, Art, and/or Inspiration. I hadn't thought about the two posts together. They were completely separate events for me. I have always had a fascination for finding out what makes people tick...in this case other artists.

Dave saw the irony (and felt my anger) of the two combined. First, I was saying that because of the actions of another I was taking my own content down. Then, I was asking for new content from others.

Thank you, Dave, for this. I love it.

Because of recent events I feel compelled to list the following disclaimers:
1. The following is a work of FICTION
2. I am not the author

That said, I hope this makes you smile...

Interrogation

by Dave Sobkowiak

Anger, fueled by rage.

That's what they said when they hauled me in, and deposited me unceremoniously on to the chair.

I expected a bright light in my eyes. I expected a stone-cold interrogator.

I half expected to be beaten with a hose by now, but to my surprise none of this has occurred.

My cuffs removed, coffee offered and received, I remain untethered to the chair, watching as they play good cop and better cop.

I smile politely, and I nod occasionally when they offer their insights.

I feign ignorance in a manner a child could recognize as transparent.

Their patience with me is admirable, but they know the truth.

They will never find your body.

A Little Excitement

2011-06-12T18:09:00.000-04:00

Two weeks ago the tree at the back of our property was hit by lightning and took out the power line. They say lightning never strikes twice but for me, 10 feet is close enough to be the same place. This afternoon we had a nasty but very brief thunderstorm whip through again. Lightning hit our neighbor's tree. I heard the telltale chuffing sound of a deisel firetruck coming from the back of the house. Jake and I went to investigate and here are some of the resulting pics.

Thank you to the Harrisburg Fire Department once again; not just for doing what they do best, but for being good sports for the crazy barefoot chick taking so many pics.

Guest Posts Wanted

2011-06-07T19:07:00.001-04:00

Creativity
Art

Inspiration

When you see those words what comes to mind? Are you a "creative"? Do you write, draw, compose, paint, dye, design, or create things that are unique to you?

I want to know your thoughts on any or all of those three words. In whatever context you chose to write about. What do you create? How do you do it? What inspires you? What are your thoughts on art in general? Anything. It can be insightful, poignant, funny--whatever--I want to know what YOU think.

I will be contacting people directly but don't wait for me...if you are interested you can send me a DM on Twitter (@BrightEyedDyer) or send an email to DyedBrightHere (at) gmail (dot) com. If I'm not already following you on Twitter, just give a yell and I'll correct that.

Thank you all in advance...I can't wait to find out what you think, what inspires your creativity.

**You can email your posts to me at the above address. I'm not looking to intrude too much on anyone's busy schedule so the deadline is when you can get it done (preferably in the next few weeks). I am hoping to start running them in a couple of weeks. One every day or other day depending on how many of you are brave enough...

Thank you again!

For Now

2011-06-07T08:55:00.001-04:00

I wrote a simple little poem a moment ago. I was about to post it when I stopped to wonder what he would think of it and how would his reaction affect me.

Would there be even more animosity (as if that's possible some days)? Would it cause him to send yet another email to his lawyer (which in turn means one from her to my lawyer and then one from him to me in a viscous, expensive cycle)? Would I feel better in some minuscule way for having posted it? Is it even possible to feel better? And, now that I've spent all this time and emotional energy pondering his reaction and the value of the post in relation to his reaction, do I even give a damn?

I go through this internal debate every time I consider posting something now. To say I am pissed off about this doesn't begin to describe my anger. I write for me. That a few people might enjoy reading my poems or thoughts is just a bonus. Writing is a release of sorts but more than that, it's a way for me to look back and remember moments, emotions, things that would otherwise be lost in the stream of fleeting thoughts that flows out from me.

I love having other people read my words. For now, it's just not worth it. So, I might still post the occasional thought here--most likely in essay or journal entry format--but I think I'm done with putting my poetry out for public view. Too often they are too close to what I really think and feel. And in those rare moments when I try to push myself to stretch and do fiction or other forms, they are taken out of context and used against me.

To put it simply; for now, I'm done.

For now.

PS: This doesn't mean I will stop writing. On the contrary, I will probably write more. I just won't be posting them here publicly. For now. There WILL be a later. I guarandamntee that.

Penguin Dreams

2011-05-25T10:27:00.002-04:00

Penguin dreams

Aquamarine

Purple thistle

Blowing in the wind

Warm

Daisy smiles
Wash away time
Freckles frolic
Under slate grey skies
Chilled

Unicorn dances
Blackberry wine
Poured in haste
Hot pink
Happy

Giraffe hugs
Awkwardness
Orange citrus
Invigorating romance
Angry

Porcupine laughs
On a hot summer day
Red
Cinnamon kisses
Tired

Angel arms
Souls caressed
Bluebirds in flight
Finally
Peaceful

It IS getting better

2011-05-21T19:13:00.000-04:00

There is a spray-painted message on the side of an overpass that I pass under on my way home from work every day that says, "It can get better". If the creator of this message intended to inspire or lift a person's spirits then they were successful. The first time I saw it, I smiled and things felt a little bit better. Each time I saw the message I felt a little bit better about life in general.

Then one day it dawned on me. What did this person mean by saying is 'can' get better. And, now that I think about it, that's not really all that positive a message. It 'can' get better? Well that doesn't tell me it WILL get better. Hmmm... Maybe that's what the person really should have said, "It will get better." To which my inner brat immediately said, "When?".

Okay, NOW. There, are you happy? It IS getting better.

So, maybe that's what this person should have sprayed on that overpass, "It is getting better". And when I thought about it I realized that no, that wouldn't work. If I had to drive under a message telling me that life is getting better I would have been indignant and thought, no it's not.

Perhaps the message is perfect just the way it is and it is up to every individual person to have that kind of response, or not, for themselves. Perhaps it is my reaction to that statement that makes all the difference.

All I know is that life and things ARE getting better. For that, for that message, and whomever managed to lean over the edge of the roadway and paint it upside down, I am grateful. And, that's all that matters.

Proud to be Your Friend

2011-05-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

A friend told me that he is proud to be my friend. I have never heard those word before. Not even from my spouse. My friend said that he was sure others had said the same thing to me just in their own ways. Hmmm, I'm not so sure about that.

Regardless, the feeling is mutual. Thank you for making my day. Again.

I Remember

2011-05-01T15:04:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was pregnant with my first son how when I slouched at my desk I would get a reminder to sit up straight in the form of a tiny foot being jammed up between my ribs. I remember learning all the words to Joshua Kadison's song Painted Desert Serenade and singing it about a million times. I remember reading the Harry Potter books together; I read the first and second stories aloud, by the third one he was reading it himself, and by the last one I had to wait my turn to get my hands on it.

So many sweet and silly memories of Max as a little boy that it's sometimes difficult to see him as he is today and realize that this handsome young man is the same person. How can that be? It was just yesterday...

Now, he's the tallest person in the house. We were at his Grandmother's house Friday evening. His Great Uncle, second cousin, and second cousin once removed (I think, I never get those relationships right) were visiting overnight. Anyway, when one of Nana's cats made an appearance Max scooped him up so that his little cousin, Amelia, could have a chance to pet him. Without being asked.

Later he was back at the table trying his best not to look bored while the adults caught up around him.

Yesterday was his prom. How is it possible that this young man is the same person who shoved his tiny foot up between my ribs and gave me so much indigestion?

Oh, yeah. I'm getting old. And, he's still giving me indigestion.

For @Mattsontomlin

2011-04-24T14:12:00.001-04:00

You are creating
What your heart dreams of doing
It is a big deal

Thank you for inspiring these words, Matt. Please remember them when the mundane threatens to take over the divine.

It's Okay to be Uncomfortable

2011-04-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

Normally, we all strive for comfort: a comfortable home, comfortable clothes, comfortable car, comfortable living. So, it might sound strange when I say it's okay to be uncomfortable. In fact, it is often a very good thing.

When we get comfortable, we tend to get into a routine. Routines are wonderful; but that comfortable routine can also mean same-old-same-old. When we break out of our routine and do something different unexpected things can happen. Good things.

Two friends of mine, who both happen to be male and writers of horror, recently wrote stories with elements of erotica in them. In one case, the erotic scenes are not the sole focus of the story and are balanced quite nicely by the horror and violence also present. In the other, the eroticism is central to the theme of the story. In writing these stories, these writers have ventured into new territory. In both cases, they were more than a little nervous about how they were portraying acts of the most personal nature--sexual acts. In being outside their comfort zone, they crafted their words with extra care. That care is evident in the overall quality of their work.

Any artist can improve their work, regardless of their medium or preferred subject, by stepping out of their comfort zone. This could be anything different from what is the norm for you. If you are a spinner, try a different fiber. If you are a portrait photographer who works in a studio, try some nature photography out in the great wide world. If, like my friends, you are a writer, try whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable. For some this might be erotica. For others, the horrific elements that my friends usually write might be what you need to try.

Color pallets, styles, subject matter, techniques, mediums, genres, methods, locations, times of day--these are all choices you make as an artist. The next time you create something, change just one of your choices. Just one. Step outside your comfort zone and see what happens.

What I Like About...

2011-04-03T13:47:00.001-04:00

I was a Junior at Shaker Heights High School in Shaker Heights, OH for just a semester. Our family had moved there from Opelika, AL when my Dad went back to work for True Temper. As luck would have it the president of the company decided to move the corporate headquarters from Cleveland to Shiremanstown, PA at the same time. So, I was only at SHHS for that one semester. Yet, years later I am reminded of the AP English teacher I had (Mr Newby) and my classmates because of a single sheet of paper.
One afternoon, we walked into our English classroom to find 18 large sheets of white paper arranged around the room, hanging from the walls. Across the top of each was written in large black letters, "What I like about_______ is:". Each sheet had one of our names across the top. We were instructed to take a colored marker and circle the room, thinking about the person named on each sheet and making a note to them about what we like best about them.
I came across that sheet of paper today while going through boxes of stuff and packing and purging my stuff in preparation to move as we work through this divorce and go our separate ways. It's a simple exercise that can yield profound results. Especially if you were previously having a bad day.
The words on this paper were written almost 30 years ago. I am as blown away by them today as I was then. They don't reveal any huge surprises, just reinforce that my basic personality, my good qualities are the same as they have always been and hopefully always will be.
Here's what my peers wrote when they were asked to write down what they like about Susan Baiman...
**Good pianist
**Talkative
**her truly warm, gutsy personality
**her friendliness
**her conversation and ability to be understanding
**her happy, caring manner
**her desire to be as friendly as possible with many people
**ability to make friends with anyone
**that she has more colored pens than Mr Newby
**her ability to make a person feel at ease
**that she ALWAYS puts warmth out for others
**her outgoing warmth makes me feel very good
**her quickness to laugh
**the speed at which she can put someone at ease
**her friendliness to new people
**her friendliness and her ability to make others laugh
**her incredible sense of my humor. She doesn't even miss the one-liners under the breath.
I'm pretty sure we all rolled our eyes a bit when the exercise was explained to us; but I think we all took it seriously and actually enjoyed doing it. All I can tell you is that from 30 years later when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life so far, these simple words mean a great deal to me. They remind me that in so many ways, I am still that girl. The people saying these kinds of things to me have changed over the years but the fact that some of the words are still the same gives me hope that when this is all over I will still be me; a little worse for the wear, hopefully a bit wiser, but still the same me my classmates wrote about all those years ago.

Math, Music, Poetry, and @trreed

2011-03-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

I am currently reading "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol to Jake, our 7yo. When I got to the part about the Mock Turtle I thought of a friend of mine, Thomas Reed (@trreed on Twitter) because he is a math teacher.

"The different branches of Arithmetic--Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision." ~Mock Turtle in Alice in Wonderland

On an earlier occasion I had told him that I would one day write a math poem or two for him. After reading the Mock Turtle's descriptions of his lessons, these silly couplets sprang forth:

To double you add twice as much,
Treble is a clef;
Math and music intertwine,
I think I'm going deaf.

You count the measure one to four,
Unless it has a three;
To take the measure of a man,
Is something else you see.

The numbers spiral up and down,
Don't let them catch you sleeping;
The wild ones will nip your toes,
And then you will be weeping.

Tame them all with signs and such,
Make them march around;
They'll do your bidding soon enough,
And then take you to town.