Secrets

I have secrets
things I hide
from everyone
everyone
but you

He told me
what a terrible person I am
he told me
and I believed him
I believed for so long

He knew me best
he knew my secrets
he knew me
so I had to believe him
had to

I told you my secrets
terrified you would tell me too
what a terrible person I am
you laughed and held me
I've loved you ever since

You have taught me
that we are more
than just our secrets
that I am more
than mine

So I stopped believing him
and started trusting myself
believing
in myself
thank you

Don't Wanna Do

Lists of must do
should do
have to do

Don't wanna do
not gonna do
you can't make me do

The child in me screams
and cries
throwing a bloody fit

The adult in me sighs
shrugs off another round of depression
and gets to work

This space for rent:

THIS

SPACE

FOR

RENT

Not really, but I might as well since I'm not keeping my creative content here. My draft count for this site is currently at 95. I wonder if I can get the drafts to outnumber the posts before I put everything back up again on some as yet undetermined date in the too far future.

Lists of must do
should do
have to do

Don't wanna do
not gonna do
you can't make me do

The child in me screams
and cries
throwing a bloody fit

The adult in me sighs
shrugs off another round of depression
and gets to work

For Now

I wrote a simple little poem a moment ago. I was about to post it when I stopped to wonder what he would think of it and how would his reaction affect me.

Would there be even more animosity (as if that's possible some days)? Would it cause him to send yet another email to his lawyer (which in turn means one from her to my lawyer and then one from him to me in a viscous, expensive cycle)? Would I feel better in some minuscule way for having posted it? Is it even possible to feel better? And, now that I've spent all this time and emotional energy pondering his reaction and the value of the post in relation to his reaction, do I even give a damn?

I go through this internal debate every time I consider posting something now. To say I am pissed off about this doesn't begin to describe my anger. I write for me. That a few people might enjoy reading my poems or thoughts is just a bonus. Writing is a release of sorts but more than that, it's a way for me to look back and remember moments, emotions, things that would otherwise be lost in the stream of fleeting thoughts that flows out from me.

I love having other people read my words. For now, it's just not worth it. So, I might still post the occasional thought here--most likely in essay or journal entry format--but I think I'm done with putting my poetry out for public view. Too often they are too close to what I really think and feel. And in those rare moments when I try to push myself to stretch and do fiction or other forms, they are taken out of context and used against me.

To put it simply; for now, I'm done.

For now.

PS: This doesn't mean I will stop writing. On the contrary, I will probably write more. I just won't be posting them here publicly. For now. There WILL be a later. I guarandamntee that.

The following piece is just a work of fiction...

My outrage complete
I would never hurt my kids
You're an idiot

I am creative
I string words together here
Sometimes it's FICTION

Poems and essays
I've tried writing longer works
But prefer poems

I read horror now
And find that I enjoy it
I wrote a poem

Maybe fantasy
Is a genre I should try
Would you think that's real?

Dragons, vampires, elves
Would a poem about these
Cause you such concern?

I've never made threats
To cause you bodily harm
You can't say the same

If you now read this
I will add some disclaimers
For fools just like you

"The following piece
Is just a work of fiction
I hope you enjoy"

"Comments are welcome
But please address them to me
Not your attorney"

Packing and Unpacking

I finally realized
Why I have been dragging my feet
On some of this divorce stuff
I thought it was just fear
But it is so much more

I thought I was done
Grieving, hoping, wishing...
And I'm not
But things won't get better
Until I pack those things up too

I need to move on
Physically at least
I can deal with everything else
Later
By myself

I forgive him
For wanting me to be someone I'm not
And for thinking I would change
But more importantly
I forgive myself

So I'm packing up boxes
In my living room
And in my heart
I'm planning my future
And looking forward to unpacking

Today's Lesson: Coping with Pain and Grief

Today's lesson folks:

When you hold it all in and

say you're fine, you're not. 

Mind, body, and soul

have infinite room for joy

not so pain and grief. 

As the hurt flows in

process it and let it go

no need to keep it. 

Joy is what to hold

each little bit that finds you

smiles, giggles, hold those. 

When indeed you hurt

and who among us hasn't

it's okay to cry. 

It's okay to need

a shoulder, an ear, a hug

let people help you. 

What's the point of friends

If you never lean on them

let them do their job. 

One day down the road

roles will be reversed and I

will be there for you.

It Should Be Raining

Words, sounds, syllables,

phrases, thoughts, ideas, noise

jumbled in my head. 

Naked emotions

flow freely competing for

the breath to gain life. 

Finding new lessons

patience, compassion, faith, trust

hardest in my life. 

Learning watching him

He shows me such patient love

His love centers me. 

Trying to focus

on the truly important

not getting bogged down. 

Never my intent

hating that I have caused pain

you deserved better. 

Laughter, color, love

our children's faces happy

things I believe in. 

Time changes people

I wish we could undo it

doesn't work that way. 

Encouraging words

unconditional love, trust

the things he gives me 

I want to be proud

of myself, our kids, and you

how we handle this. 

I found the courage

to say I don't deserve this

we all deserve more. 

It looks sunny out

emotional disconnect

it should be raining. 

Chase away the clouds

my favorite things, my loves

colors bright and bold.