One Person

I remember the day
You came into my life
We had ordinary conversations
And yet they were more than that

Little did I know
That day I first met you
How you would change my life
In so many ways

I can hear you now
Telling me how you've hurt me
But you couldn't be
More wrong

You were that one person
Who believed in me
When I didn't believe
In myself

You gave me strength
When I was weak
Love when I felt unlovable
And most of all hope

It only takes one person
To make a difference
And for me
You will always be that person

Thank you, my friend
For loving me unconditionally
And telling me I deserve to be loved
Even though I am so flawed

Thank you, my love
For putting up with my insecurities
As I learned to be secure
As you taught me so much

You are just one person
Flawed and yet perfect
Wise and gentle and wonderful
One person I'll always love

Christmas 2011. Thank you.

Two years ago I posted a holiday rant. I re-read it yesterday and winced at the levels of anger, frustration, disillusionment, and pure bitchiness I displayed there. And yet, I'm glad it's there. It gives me a frame of reference. It reminds me that I write these things for me. It also showed me how much I've changed over the past couple of years.

The commercialism of this time of year still drives me insane. Instead of becoming quite so angry about it, now I just do my best to avoid it. Before I was jealous that I didn't have the means to participate in the gluttony. Now I have even less and I finally realized that it's not something I wish to participate in anyway. Sometimes less really is more.

Last year I became person-non gratta on my ex's side of the family. It hurt like hell to be kicked to the curb by people I love and respect. It angered me that they only saw his side. And, it took me a while to understand that of course that's what they are going to do. I finally saw how silly it was for me to think anything else would or should happen. I still miss some of them terribly, but I'm finally at peace with this part of how the divorce has impacted my life.

I've never liked family gatherings. This year, I'm getting a huge dose of irony. This year I won't have to suffer through the family gathering because the only family still living in the same part of the country as me is my youngest sister and we hardly speak. I'm closer to my mom than I've ever been in my adult life and now they are embarking on a new adventure by moving down to Florida. I guess this is a lesson in karma for me. Duly noted. As much as I miss my parents, I am happy that our relationships have improved. This is so much better than having them close by and not speaking. So, while I miss them, I am also happy for them and hope they find happiness and adventures where they are now.

We had an artificial tree for years and last year, like every thing else around here, it finally broke beyond the possibility for repair. The ex got a real tree for the first time in years and we had a very tense holiday still under the same roof. This year I can't afford a new fake tree and didn't even consider a live one. I don't have the money anyway, didn't want to kill a tree, and if I did it would just be a fire hazard as I wouldn't remember to water it. So, for the first time in ages, no tree. I'm okay with that. I'm glad to not get the ornaments out and go through all of the memories that each one holds. I worry about how the boys are with this change, but they seem to be taking it in stride.

I am looking forward to celebrating with my boys this year; starting some new traditions based not on judeo-christian beliefs that I don't necessarily share, but on a sense of family, love, togetherness, and creativity. Christmas dinner will not be a re-telling of Thanksgiving. This year we're going to make one of our favorite foods, pizza, together. Max is still lobbying for either Chinese food or a pizza delivery. But he's been out voted and we will be having a pizza building festival of food that night.

The hardest thing about the holidays for me is that Jake is still young enough to believe in Santa. It would be a lot easier if he didn't. He already knows that money is tight. But he hasn't made the leap from Mom has no money to Santa has no money. Because, thankfully, for him Christmas is still about magic.

A few weeks ago I was really upset about the holidays. I can barely afford to get the kids a few items of clothing and didn't know how to explain to Jake that Santa wasn't going to be bringing much to our house this year. A friend told me to not worry about it; that every kid deserved at least one fun thing from Santa, and she wanted to play Santa to my boys this year. I had a hard time accepting that someone would want to do something like this for me and my family. Meanwhile, presents have arrived this week and I'm finally starting to feel the same kind of excitement that Jake feels at the upcoming visit from Santa.

I've already received so many gifts this year. I have three sons that I am so proud of and love with all my heart. I am in a good place with my parents. I have a job that I love working with great co-workers where I get to spend my day helping people. I am constantly inspired by and in awe of the world around me in all its beauty and mystery. And, I have been blessed to have so many amazing people come into my life these past two years as friends and teachers.

So, my friend is playing Santa in the form of some fun things for the boys; but she's given me the best gifts I've ever received; her love and friendship, and the desire to one day repay her kindness and generosity by paying it forward to someone else.

Thank you.

One Day by Keith Dugger

I had a terrible, horrible, day today. Doubting myself. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. All those rotten emotions kept coming at me even as I tried to find my center, my balance. I had let someone upset and anger me well beyond what I should have. Basically, it was just one of those days. 

When I tried to vent some of this I became even more frustrated and angry because I was censoring myself. It's hard to vent and hold your thoughts back at the same time. Then I received an email from one of my best friends, Keith Dugger.  At the first two words the tears started to flow and by the end I was bawling like a baby. I guess I needed that.

Thank you, Keith for the gift of your words, your friendship, and for always knowing what I need from you even when I don't know myself. I love this.

One Day

by Keith Dugger

One day you'll look up and it'll be there. You may have stopped looking for it, hoping and praying for it by then. You may have stopped believing that you deserve it. At the time, you won't recognize it. Even if you catch a glimpse of something you remember, you'll tell yourself that it isn't possible. You'll see what the world around you had taught you to see, but it'll be there. 

One day you'll look up and you'll realize that it's been there all along. Even when others might have said different or pulled you down with them. It's the little things that bring it, it's the little things that tear it down. But it's there. Waiting. It's patient and it'll wait for you in the silvery shadows for as long as it takes for you to remember that you deserve its friendship, its companionship.

One day you'll look up and it'll be there staring back at you with a smile that seems humanly impossible. And that will be the day happiness reminded you that it was there.

Interrogation by Dave Sobkowiak

When a friend of mine, Dave Sobkowiak, saw the combination of posts from a few days ago he was inspired to create a little piece of writing for me.

The first post talked about my frustration at having to second guess which of my posts, which words, could or would be taken out of context or possibly used against me in some way by my soon-to-be-ex. And my decision to censor myself creatively and just not post any more poems for the time being. I then went on to take down about a third of my posts.

The second post was a call for submissions on Creativity, Art, and/or Inspiration. I hadn't thought about the two posts together. They were completely separate events for me. I have always had a fascination for finding out what makes people tick...in this case other artists.

Dave saw the irony (and felt my anger) of the two combined. First, I was saying that because of the actions of another I was taking my own content down. Then, I was asking for new content from others.

Thank you, Dave, for this. I love it.

Because of recent events I feel compelled to list the following disclaimers:
1. The following is a work of FICTION
2. I am not the author

That said, I hope this makes you smile...

Interrogation

by Dave Sobkowiak

Anger, fueled by rage.

That's what they said when they hauled me in, and deposited me unceremoniously on to the chair.

I expected a bright light in my eyes. I expected a stone-cold interrogator.

I half expected to be beaten with a hose, but to my surprise none of this occurred.

My cuffs removed, coffee offered and received, I remained untethered to the chair, watching as they played good cop and better cop.

I smiled politely, and I nodded occasionally when they offered their insights.

I feigned ignorance in a manner a child could recognize as transparent.

Their patience with me was admirable, but they knew the truth.

They will never find your body.

What I Like About...

I was a Junior at Shaker Heights High School in Shaker Heights, OH for just a semester. Our family had moved there from Opelika, AL when my Dad went back to work for True Temper. As luck would have it the president of the company decided to move the corporate headquarters from Cleveland to Shiremanstown, PA at the same time. So, I was only at SHHS for that one semester. Yet, years later I am reminded of the AP English teacher I had (Mr Newby) and my classmates because of a single sheet of paper.
One afternoon, we walked into our English classroom to find 18 large sheets of white paper arranged around the room, hanging from the walls. Across the top of each was written in large black letters, "What I like about_______ is:". Each sheet had one of our names across the top. We were instructed to take a colored marker and circle the room, thinking about the person named on each sheet and making a note to them about what we like best about them.
I came across that sheet of paper today while going through boxes of stuff and packing and purging my stuff in preparation to move as we work through this divorce and go our separate ways. It's a simple exercise that can yield profound results. Especially if you were previously having a bad day.
The words on this paper were written almost 30 years ago. I am as blown away by them today as I was then. They don't reveal any huge surprises, just reinforce that my basic personality, my good qualities are the same as they have always been and hopefully always will be.
Here's what my peers wrote when they were asked to write down what they like about Susan Baiman...
**Good pianist
**Talkative
**her truly warm, gutsy personality
**her friendliness
**her conversation and ability to be understanding
**her happy, caring manner
**her desire to be as friendly as possible with many people
**ability to make friends with anyone
**that she has more colored pens than Mr Newby
**her ability to make a person feel at ease
**that she ALWAYS puts warmth out for others
**her outgoing warmth makes me feel very good
**her quickness to laugh
**the speed at which she can put someone at ease
**her friendliness to new people
**her friendliness and her ability to make others laugh
**her incredible sense of my humor. She doesn't even miss the one-liners under the breath.
I'm pretty sure we all rolled our eyes a bit when the exercise was explained to us; but I think we all took it seriously and actually enjoyed doing it. All I can tell you is that from 30 years later when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life so far, these simple words mean a great deal to me. They remind me that in so many ways, I am still that girl. The people saying these kinds of things to me have changed over the years but the fact that some of the words are still the same gives me hope that when this is all over I will still be me; a little worse for the wear, hopefully a bit wiser, but still the same me my classmates wrote about all those years ago.

A Truthful Thanksgiving

Soon we will sit down
'round a table, with family and or friends,
Laden with favorite foods
Bow our heads in thought or prayer
And say what we are thankful for


We will mention health
Or caring physicians
When we
Or someone we love
Is lacking in this regard


We will mention family
But what we'll
Really mean
Is the ones we can stand
Or that don't drive us nuts


We will mention jobs
Because we're thankful
For the money they put in our pocket
Not for the idiots and assholes
Who also work there


If, when we sit down
We are truly honest with ourselves
Some people might be shocked
To know what we are
Really thankful for


Face it
We're thankful we made it
Through another year
Without killing some asshole
Who truly is deserving


We are thankful
for mindless distractions
Like video games, books, and movies
That let us escape from hell
For just a short while


We are thankful for the alcohol
Or the drugs
Or the sex
That deadens the pain
Or makes life tolerable


I, personally, am thankful
That my husband and I
Are finding a way to work through divorce
As gently as possible
For us and our children


I am thankful for the friends
Who love and support me
Who challenge me to be
Everything that I can
Even when I don't know what or who that is


I am thankful for my children
Who amaze me every day
With their unique brilliance
The wonderful people they are now
And the people they are becoming


I am thankful for the words
That flow from somewhere inside
Helping me make sense of my world
And from friends near and far
Sharing themselves with us


I am thankful for art
Colors, objects, and images
Made, found, observed
Keeping the darkness at bay
Lighting my world, my soul


Mostly I am thankful
For those I love
Who for some reason
Unfathomable to me
Chose to love me in return