One of Those Days

Most days I'm so much happier
not being in a relationship.
Well, let me rephrase that.
I have lots of relationships
and I'm in them
completely.
It's more like not being
in a romantic one
that's here and now
instead of across time and distance;
not being part of a pair.

I've grown to appreciate
that being alone
doesn't mean being lonely.

I like not having to ask permission
of anyone else
'cause for me that's what
a relationship has meant
for so long

Most days
I'm happy just being me.
Unfortunately,
today isn't one of those days;
and, I'd give anything
to be in your arms right now.

You Too

Sometimes a heartbreak
Is inevitable
And you see the signs
Long before you finally
Confront it

When the person you love
Leaves you for another
Knowing they will be happier
And being truly happy for them
Lessons the pain if only a little.

Focus on that love
Hope for their happiness
And know that one day
You too
Will find happiness.

Max Bell

My dear friend, Max Bell, suffered terribly from COPD. He lived somewhere on the Northern Left Coast and we never met face-to-face. He could be a cantankerous bastard but I understood why. He made me think. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And, I loved him dearly.

He had a pet hedgehog. That alone made him remarkably special to me. But beyond the simple things, he believed in fairness, equality, common decency, all of those things that would make the world a much better place.

This morning I received an email from him with the subject line, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."--Dr. Seuss. It was a simple message signed by his mom:

Max is no more. He left this planet last Saturday quietly without pain or fear.
In place of a memorial please hug someone or vote democratic. Either would please him.

He contributed an essay to The Creativity Blog Project that will run on August 1st. Even his bio made me laugh when I read it and I still smile every time I see it.

Max Bell is just a guy with a hedgehog, a computer, and an internet connection.

Thank you, Max, for making my life just a little bit brighter just by knowing you. I am so very happy that you are finally free from the pain you endured with such grace and so very, very sad that I can't talk to you anymore.

One Day by Keith Dugger

I had a terrible, horrible, day today. Doubting myself. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. All those rotten emotions kept coming at me even as I tried to find my center, my balance. I had let someone upset and anger me well beyond what I should have. Basically, it was just one of those days. 

When I tried to vent some of this I became even more frustrated and angry because I was censoring myself. It's hard to vent and hold your thoughts back at the same time. Then I received an email from one of my best friends, Keith Dugger.  At the first two words the tears started to flow and by the end I was bawling like a baby. I guess I needed that.

Thank you, Keith for the gift of your words, your friendship, and for always knowing what I need from you even when I don't know myself. I love this.

One Day

by Keith Dugger

One day you'll look up and it'll be there. You may have stopped looking for it, hoping and praying for it by then. You may have stopped believing that you deserve it. At the time, you won't recognize it. Even if you catch a glimpse of something you remember, you'll tell yourself that it isn't possible. You'll see what the world around you had taught you to see, but it'll be there. 

One day you'll look up and you'll realize that it's been there all along. Even when others might have said different or pulled you down with them. It's the little things that bring it, it's the little things that tear it down. But it's there. Waiting. It's patient and it'll wait for you in the silvery shadows for as long as it takes for you to remember that you deserve its friendship, its companionship.

One day you'll look up and it'll be there staring back at you with a smile that seems humanly impossible. And that will be the day happiness reminded you that it was there.

The Quest to Find Happiness and Other Things

I'm on a quest. A holy grail sort of thing. I'm searching for happiness. But not a simple little moment of happiness. That I can find--on a regular basis. But, for me, those moments of happiness are punctuated by a number of decidedly un-happy moments and emotions. And, as if that wasn't enough to be looking for, along with never-ending happiness, I want to discover those habits, tendencies, rituals of folks who seem to be perpetually well-rested, productive, effective (in addition to happy) members of society. 

I am by nature an optimist. I am also a procrastinator who is prone to laziness and depression. I am an idea person who sucks on the follow-through. I lack focus and commitment. At home. In my personal life. The funny thing is that when I was working I was the complete opposite at work. Highly organized. Tightly focused. Able to multi-task easily. All the while, I was much happier at work than I was at home. 

I guess I need to figure out what I did (and probably even more important) why I did what I did when I was at work. Hmmm....

So, while I ponder work life versus home life, if you have any thing in particular that you do that helps you achieve happiness or be more productive or effective in your life, I'd love to hear about it.