In Transition

I am currently in transition....or, well, my blog is.  Both of us in truth I suppose.  

I don't know my thoughts on whether or not I will completely discontinue this blog or not at this time.  I am currently working on moving the poetry, essay, and photographic posts that are here to my new site

SueBaiman.com

So, you can find my new poems there, and the older posts as I get to them.  The stuff from the first few years here is going to remain here but will not be transfered over.  Eventually, I will be taking down the posts that I have moved so that they are each just in one place.

The new site is being designed (it is definitely a work in progress) to be my alter ego in the ethernets...to hold all of the different parts of me (writing, editing, yarn and fiber stuff, photography) and whatever else catches my fancy.  In some cases, like the yarn dyeing, it will be a gateway via links to other sites. 

If you have been here and have enjoyed any of my words or pictures, I hope you will visit the new site and join me there.

Life is an exciting adventure...join me for the ride of a lifetime.

Words I Need to Tell You

There are words I need to tell you
Words I want to say
But the time is never right and once again
Today is not the day

I've loved you from the first moment
Known you from the start
You will always be a part of me
Your words are written on my heart.

Sometimes love isn't enough
This isn't about just you and me
No matter what we feel
This wasn't meant to be

So when I feel like sighing
I will bite my lip instead
And I'll try to forget what it was like
Curled up next to you in bed

While I don't think I can ever forget
All the nuances of you
I can understand
This painful thing that we must do

I never wanted to be an actor
But it's a skill that I will learn
I can pretend that it's not you
For whom I always yearn

When I sunk into the darkness
You were there to pull me through
You and I both know
I owe my life to you

So I will let you know
You are off the hook. Free
Go back to the life you have made
You don't need to worry about me

There are words I need to tell you
About how I love you so
So much so that
I'm finally letting go


Sent from my iPhone

Destiny

When religion is born
On gilded wings across the morn
And all of man's desires
Are spent across the hours

Only then will we be free
To search our destiny
For that moment in space and time
When I became yours and you mine

Focus

I want to write
The desire is there
I have the time
Hell, I've gotten good at making the time
I have a long list of topics
All things I have already started in my mind
So many ideas
But they are all in the abstract
Emotions
Situations
Lessons I am learning mostly
And a couple I have finally learned
Everything is so jumbled for me these days
I can't seem to focus
On any one thought
For more than an instant
And no matter how fast I write
It's not fast enough
To stay focused
Because one thought
Keeps intruding
But it's not really an intrusion
Since I go there willingly
And it's not so much a single thought
As lots of related thoughts
All centering around one person
And so I've been having a terribly hard time
Writing about anything
Because it's not just anything
Or anyone
Occupying my thoughts
It's you
And so much more
It's a list of places I want to show you
It's thinking about the feel of you
The scent of you
The taste and touch and every other sense of you
It's all the little things
That mean so much
And so with all of these thoughts about you
Swirling around in my head
In a happy whirlpool
Of anticipation,
Desire,
Peace and happiness
Is it any wonder
That I can't focus
On anything else?


Sent from my iPhone

Friday Love

It's Friday
I'd do a happy dance
If I wasn't running late
As usual

Because it's Friday
I get to wear jeans
As comfortable
As our relationship

I pull on a faded tshirt
As soft as a kiss
And a sweatshirt
That embraces me

I step into shoes
That make me want to dance
I'm still so tired
But it's Friday so it doesn't matter

And before I dance out the door
I tell you I love you
I know you know already
But I tell you anyway

Because it's Friday
And I do


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Gasping For Air

When I listen to a poet
Perform their poem
For the first time
Not their first time
But my first time
When I don't know what to expect
Beyond the title and their name
Which sometimes is enough information
That I am already holding my breath
In
Anticipation
Of expected brilliance
Because some people are so gifted
That I would probably be enthralled
By their snoring in the deep, dark night
I am pulled in
To their world
To their words
By their words
By the rhythm
And their passion
And the images and emotions
They paint before me
And wrap around me
Pulling me in
Slowly
Reeling me in
Out of the water of my comfort
Until I am in their realm
And I suddenly realize that I can't breathe
I am helpless in their grasp
Spellbound
My heart pounding
Until they release me
Back from where I came
Gasping for air.


Sent from my iPhone

Hours on the Phone

Hours on the phone
Talking about anything
Just to hear your voice


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Discovering You

Discovering you
So new to me
Each time we talk
I unwrap
Another present


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Escape

In the day-to-day reality of life
I battle demons
And laundry
Foes of my own creation
And from my past
I vanquish dirty dishes
And depression

I escape my little life
By venturing into your worlds
Created with your words
That I may be surrounded
By a new reality
Your reality
Skillfully crafted lands
Where adventure awaits
If I only believe

Time is no longer measured
In minutes, hours, or chores
Instead I am timeless, ageless
As your characters enthrall me
Heart pounding, pulse racing
Holding my breath
In the hopes of their victories
Soul crushed when they are defeated

Thank you for providing
A means for my escape
A time when I am free
And a subject for my dreams
When I escape again into sleep


Sent from my iPhone

The Joys of Technology

It's that instant
When I've just told you something
Something I think
You don't want to hear
Something you need to hear
Whether you like it or not

I meant well when I said it
It is a criticism
But it's something you can easily fix
If you want to
Or not, it's up to you

I wait nervously
For your response
And the silence is killing me
I remember other times
When I angered him
And he pulled away
Shut me out

My stomach tries to turn itself
Inside out
My pulse is suddenly racing
Why can't I breathe?
Why haven't you answered me?

Oh, god, no.
Please don't be angry with me
Please don't shut me out
I couldn't take it
To not talk to you

As my panic attack
Builds to a crescendo
A message pops up
Using a different program
"Where did you go?"

As the air rushes back into my lungs
And relief washes over me
I tap a response
"Damn wifi"


Sent from my iPhone

Overflow

When my brain is full
No more room for anything
Today's problems, thoughts, ideas
Spill over
The levy, the dam
Burst
Flowing
Everywhere
The words tumble
Spill over
Jumble
Escaping into the noise
To flee forever
Catch them in a poem
To make sense of later
No thinking now just write
Let the words sort themselves
And solve the problem
You and I are not needed
To solve the riddles
Of the words
They are their own answers
Freeing up my subconscious
To work on solving the larger issues
Like where do socks go when they escape?


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Random thoughts about learning and relearning lessons

Yesterday was a rough day. The weekends when my younger sons aren't here with me usually are.  One of the things I still struggle with (there are many) is that it's okay to enjoy myself when they're not here. 

I should be thankful for the alone time, something I never felt like I had enough of when we were all together 24/7, but I'm just not used to how complete it is.  It's one thing to want to carve out a few hours at a time, but this is so different.

I think I'm also still afraid of what others will think or say about me as a mom if I actually learn to like the time I have to create or pursue my passions. Why that is something I waste time or energy on is a whole other post. I need to let go of that negative thinking. I need to learn that I can't control what others think or say. I need to stop getting in my own way and blaming others. 

I love my kids. That they know that is all that matters. I am learning to love myself. That's the hard part. I have 5 days out of every 14 where I am completely alone. Yes, my oldest son lives with me but he is starting to have his own life and I need to not get in the way of that with my insecurities and fears.

I guess what I need to start doing is not just set grand, lofty, somewhere-out-there-in-a-future-far-away goals but closer ones too and then do the work of scheduling the work (and actually doing the work itself too) to accomplish all that I want, all that I can dream.  I'm wasting time being depressed.  We all understand that time is money. So, I am squandering away a fortune when I spend a day on the couch.

It's not enough to just dream, I need to get up off of my butt and DO. Ugh. 

Yes, these are things I already know. And yet I seem to have to learn them over and over again. I'm wondering when that will stop. Are there things I've finally learned that have become part of me and I missed it? Hmmm....

Seven Days

I mark the passage of time
Not as a continuous stream
Of days or weeks or months
But as an on again, off again
Series of days
A binary system
Zeros and ones
Where I am either
With you or without you
Seven days where my world is bright
Followed by seven of darkness
I know you don't understand this
You don't always see the joy
When I'm tired from a day at work
Or I'm telling you to do something
You don't want to do
Like pick up your toys
Or hang up your clothes
But you are the light in my life
The reason I struggle to do what I love
The reason I create
To show you it's okay
To follow your dreams
Follow your heart
So, after I smile and wave goodbye
Calling out last I love you's
As you leave with your dad
A dark, heavy curtain comes down around me
And the counting begins again
Seven days to go...

Uplifting

I lift my eyes to the sky
Closing them in pleasure
As the warmth of a new day
A day of promise and possibility
Washes over me

I lift my hands
To those needing a hand up
Some days I am that person too
Can we all help each other?

I lift my heart
Glad for all the opportunities
This life gives me
Day in and day out
I am grateful for so much

I lift up my voice
In words and melodies
Celebrating each moment
That I have with you

My trials are small
Compared to so many
My burdens light
I have an abundance of riches
That I am thankful for
Each and every day

My greatest wishes
Are that I continue
To learn and grow
To have grace and compassion
To do better each day
And have humility on those days
When I am not all that I should be

Lift up your eyes and your hands
Your hearts and your voices
With me
That we may help each other
Love each other
And experience all of the joy
And wonder
That this world holds for us

My Imperfections

I can't stand here and act holier than thou
I never claimed to be perfect
In fact, I'm the furthest thing from it
That I know

I wear all of my imperfections
Like a crazy-quilt shawl
Draped over my shoulders
Colors and textures so discordant they harmonize

When my laziness and shyness
Conspire against me
I need someone behind me
Urging me forward

Not someone towering over me
Pushing me down
Pushing me back
Recounting my sins

For they are many
And I am weak
But each day I grow stronger
As I heal myself from within

The gentle nudges forward
Help me move past my past
Understanding and accepting
All of my imperfections.


Sent from my iPhone

Fit For a Friday

The smell of wet asphalt
Rolls up off the parking lot
The urban equivalent of wet dog

The rain is half-hearted
Not the purposeful anger
Of a thunderstorm
Intent on reminding us
How powerless we really are

No, this is the kind of rain
When it gets so humid
That the greedy clouds just can't hold any more
And the excess slowly bleeds off
Reluctantly supplying some relief

A melancholy moisture
Fit for a Friday
At the end of a very long week
A respite of rain
Before a glorious weekend


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Reader's Wish

Dancing, swirling around me
Breathing on their own
And giving breath to me
These words--magical, alive
I am under their spell
Demonic or righteous
I care not which
Only that they never end


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The Writer

We all have the same words
Yet yours are strung together
In such a way
As to make me feel things

They are just words
And yet a tear slides down my cheek
When the meaning behind the marks
Becomes clear

You arrange simple words
In such a way--your way
And your stories
Become embedded in my soul

How I see the world
Becomes forever changed
By simple words, touched by you
Thank you


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On the High Wire

Every day
From that first moment
Of almost consciousness
To the bookended instant
When I finally let go
And sink into the blackness
I waver between okay
And not

Taking one cautious step
After another
Feeling my way along
Terrified that I will lose my footing
And fall into the abyss

I used to have a net
But I got better at this
Or so he tells me
This high wire act of sanity stepping

I shouldn't look down
But I have to
Just to assure myself
That I'm still safely up above

I've fallen many times
But my net was always there
To catch me
Before I hurt myself

The trick now is noticing
That instant before I wobble
To stop myself before I slip
I can't afford to fall again
Now that I'm on my own

I slowly work my way
Across the chasm
Inch by agonizing inch
Wondering what or who I will find
When I reach the end
And safety
And will it have been worth
This circus stunt existence.


Sent from my iPhone

One More Promise

Razor blades slowly slicing
Ribboning skin
Sadistic zebra stripes of blood
Couldn't hurt worse

Crying doesn't help
There aren't enough tears
To wash away this pain
Without drowning

Trying to hold it all in
Hold yourself together
So confused, so scared
Where do you go from here?

You take one breath at a time
Slowly, in AND out
Then you take another
And you let each breath heal you

You let go and let friends catch you
We won't let you down
We have strength enough to share
Now is when you take

Some of us have been where you are now
I have been there
To hell and back
I can give you the 10 cent tour

It took time
For me to understand
That I am loved
And lovable.

You, my dear friend, are loved
You are infinitely lovable too
This is just a shitty time
But time passes and this will too

We are here for you
I am here for you
If you don't think you can lean on us
We will pick your ass up and carry you

But if you make me carry you
Cause you know I will if I have to
After we get to the other side
I'll kick you in it.

Just one more promise
Along with the one where I promise
You will be okay
Because we will make sure of it

I promise.
I love you.


Sent from my iPhone