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Friday, October 07, 2011

For So Long


when you're not aware 
that something is missing in your life 
you feel nothing about it.
you don't know what you don't know
but when someone pulls back the curtain
and exposes the giant gapping whole in your life
in your soul, 
your very existance...

you don't know you're missing something 
until it completes you
you can't help but feel 
an exquisite sort of pain
heartbreaking emptiness
that the missing part 
not only IS missing
but that it HAS BEEN missing...

for so long

Floating

Taking your face in my hands.
Kissing you so
slowly
achingly
slowly
tasting your drink on your tongue
sighing
feeling my heartbeat catch
then flutter
then race
nuzzling you
head to head
sighing in your ear
sucking on your earlobe
as if it could ever be a suitable substitute
for anything else
but want
to be sucking you
in any way
need to
need a lot of things about you
keep getting that pit of the stomach feeling
the same one from a rollercoaster
as you crest a hill
and outwit gravity
for a split second
and all your guts float
so I guess I'm saying
you make me feel like I'm floating

Colors of My Friends

Color, tint, and shade
thought, emotion, subtlety
colors of a friend.

Broad sweeping brush stroke
painting pictures of my friends
I need more colors.


One is rich and deep
many layers, mostly blues
subtlety of wit.


Flashes of brilliance
and vulnerability
within the layers.


Blues don't excite me
not usually that is
this one is special.


Something about those
layers where life and love lay
in between those blues.


Desert, mountains, air
the color of a deep breath
fire in a soul.


Bold strokes friend of blue
hide the subtlety of you
and so I love you.


This friend I must paint
quickly for he's seldom still
a kaleidoscope.


Colors tumble round
bright, vibrant, colors moving
showing me so much.


Colors of love, lust
mixed with loss, and pain, and hurt
hope and joy there too.


Colors of friendship
strong, deep, safe, gentle brother
jewel tones for you.


For this friend-purple
one of my favorite hues
fit for gods and kings.


A nobility
graceful gentleness, kind heart
described in this hue.



Mischief is here too
the colors of a deep laugh
shading of a smile.

An honest brush stroke
faithfulness above all else
is painted here too. 

The colors of you
make you so special to me
you make me stronger. 

Some friends I hold tight
afraid of my own shadow
relying on them.

They are gracious, kind
patient when I cling too tight
they teach me to fly.

As I spread my wings
I see the colors of them
have rubbed off on me. 

Many friends are new
many colors still hidden
takes time to see you.

But in each, "Hello"
each glance, word, kiss, and embrace
I see more colors.


As you reveal you
add more color to canvas
my love for you grows.

I immerse myself in you
swirl your colors around me
loving learning you.

And in learning you
I find wisdom about me
painting both of us.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Emotional Amputation

‎​People talk about their heart
Aching for someone.
‎​It's not my heart that aches
‎​It's my skin

‎​To feel him against me--curled around me.
‎​That's what hurts the most
‎​Like phantom pain
‎​After an amputation

‎​As I wake in the morning
‎​I can feel him there
‎​Feel him beside me
Feel him inside me

‎​And then I open my eyes
‎​And the sense of loss is so overwhelming
‎​I start off each day with that kind of pain
‎​And yet, I survive

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Friend,

Good morning dear friend,
Re-reading your blog.
And wondering how you are doing now.

Wondering if you understand this gift you have.
Wondering how to help you see.
How to give you happiness?

Wishing you were closer
So that I could hold you quietly
When you doubt yourself so completely.

Wishing you were here, or I there
So that I could show you
All the people you touch everyday.

Wondering if today will be a good day for you
Wondering what I can say to make it happen
Give you all good days.

Good morning dear friend
Just checking in as usual
To tell you I love you.

Searching

This is being republished in its original form. You can read it in a very different form at ChocolateScotch.


Something missing here.
Searching to find what that might be--
Little piece of me.

Sing a song of love
Loves lost and longing for love
Sorrowful sonnet

Measured meters rhyme
Time finding time no meaning
Purposes are nil

Struggle with myself.
Looking for meaning where none.
Pushing aside fear.

Life disappoints me.
When realization hits--
ordinary me.

Special spark snuffed out.
It's brightness it's flame scary.
Better do without.

Time takes prisoners;
you, me, all of us someday.
We don't know better.

This emptiness speaks.
It's voice I don't want to hear.
Hiding from the truth

Pushing it down deep.
A special place created
no one else can see.

What is truth? Really?
If yours and mine are different
How can it be truth?

An absolution
absolutely completely.
What the hell is that?

Speaking in circles
tail chasing tail chasing me.
No one will notice.

Looking deep within
means I must open my eyes.
I don't want to see.

See, hear, think, and feel:
some of the ways we detect
when the world rings true.

Special circumstance
giving old words new meanings.
A strange kind of gift.

Something is lacking:
conviction, dedication
deliberation.

Angels feet touch down.
As they lightly tread reveal
true identity.

What of heaven? Hell?
Did Dante have gift of sight?
Will I see you there?

Blasphemous! Cry some.
Arcane dogma! Chant others.
I know where I stand.

Where? You ask of me.
Why? That's none of your business!
My faith is my own.

A woman's body
Is it hers? Or do you own?
Who gave you this right?

Why when you see me
do you only see my flaws
not my divine gifts?

There is a power
emanating from my soul.
If you look, you'll see.

Belief in your Self
so difficult to master
but necessary.

Ages old wisdom
nestles deep inside your soul.
Open your Self.  See!

To you I bare all
hopes and fears, my secret self.
Will you protect me?

Searching. Searching still.
Coming to terms with answers
that answer nothing.

Smile! Dammit!

Sometimes things are not
what they appear to be and
sometimes they just are

If you close your eyes
and listen with just your heart
you will hear the truth

You have conviction
in listing your shortcomings
what you lack is truth

Relativity
affects many things in life
not my love for you

When you feel the sun
caressing you with her warmth
feel my heart in yours

What the hell do I
need to do to make you smile?
Moon some passing cars?

Hey! Wow! Look at that!
Don't try and say you didn't.
I saw you grinning!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Poetry for a Friend

Sneaking up behind
wrapping arms fiercely around
nuzzling neck nips ear

You're instantly hard
the best form of flattery
is turning you on

As much as I want
your body, your mind, your heart
intrigue me much more

Tell me your stories
tell me your craziest dream
that's what real friends do

There's a place inside
the very center of me
where there's room for you

You won't be alone
all I hold dear have a space
hearts have no boundaries

We may write fiction
but the truth is in the words
spoken between friends

Friday, September 23, 2011

If I Sent You a Message

If I sent you
A message
Every time I thought of you
Your inbox
Would overflow
I send this message
In the stead of
Untold millions
Of sweet little thoughts
Of you, my Love.
That you may see
In front of you in words
That which I hope you feel
Every second of every day
My love for you.
If I could touch you
I would pull you into me
Wrap your body and soul
Within me and mine
Holding you forever
This distance is too great
For any physical touch
So my thoughts will have to do
for now
Always thinking of you

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Harrisburg Flood of 2011

The mighty, sleeping giantess
awoke today;
stretched her liquid arms
reached out with many fingers
and embraced the world around her.











Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Success Guest Posts Wanted

Back on June 7th I got one of my hair-brained ideas; I decided to ask for guest posts on the subjects of Art, Creativity, and/or Inspiration. In addition to putting out the post and a few tweets, I sent out direct messages inviting creative folks I knew to participate.

The resulting posts went up on a new site called ChocolateScotch.com. As of today, there are 63 guest posts on those topics. They range from an audio response to a sonnet, to a fictionalized account of me searching for thoughts on creativity inside the mind of a friend. And while I think the possibilities for posts about art, creativity, and/or inspiration are endless, I've decided to move on and give you a new topic: success.

So tell me what "success" means to you. What is it? How do you define it? Is it lasting? Fleeting? Elusive? Possible? How do you know when you are successful? What constitutes success for you? Work? Fame? Family? Money? And, once you define it, how long till that definition changes?

You can send your thoughts (along with a short bio if you are new to Chocolate Scotch as a contributor) to DyedBrightHere (at) gmail (dot) com.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Thunder Rumbling

Thunder rumbling
in the not-too-far-and-getting-closer-every-second distance.
Long, low rumbles
vibrate through my soul;
growling like my lover.

Tension building,
waiting for the flash,
waiting for the release.
The promise of a pounding rain
rumbling from your lips.

My tears will fall first.
The pain of missing you
so complete
the thought of riding out a storm without your strength
more than I can bear.

The air around me stills,
nature gathers herself.
Breaths collected and held.
A lover's embrace
shelter enough through any storm.

Thirsty from want and wanting.
Torrential downpour painful, bruising;
wetness pounding life back in,
removing need.
Relief complete in the quiet after the storm.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

I Will Survive

I still feel you
Next to me
Against me
Inside me
Arms encircling
I still hear you
Whispering to me
Telling me your thoughts
Your dreams
That you love me
Memories
Etched into my mind
Into my soul
That will exist
Through all time
Feelings
Of love
And loss
Of finding what was meant to be
And not being able to keep it
Knowing
That even dreams
And hopes
Can't make the impossible
Possible
Wishing
For more dignity
While dying
And more strength
As I am crushed
Understanding
That love hurts
That laughter heals
That anger is a preventable disease
And that I will survive

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

In Answer to Those

In answer to those
who would ask why
I vent things here
that many would choose to keep to themselves
out of embarrassment
or shame
because to admit to them
is to be terminally flawed
when I let these things out
I say
I am not ashamed
of myself
and my imperfections
I remove the poison
that has been my marriage
my life
from my psyche
and the storm
that is my thoughts
swirling
quiets just a little bit more
and eventually
I can sleep

Purple Globulous Green

Purple globulous green
Goo
Fighting astride
The dragon
Of death
She laughs
And sings
Songs of delirium
As she struggles
On
Rich language
Poor facts
Timeless, ageless
Synonymous
With death
Fractal geometry
Numeric metaphore
Tilting
Spinning
No sense insense
Wisdom and magic
Accompany her
As she rages
Against the machine
Aloft
Incantations
Thrown out
Defeating
The sun
And herself
Situation and approximations
Of help
And condolences
The purple unicorn
Sneers

Insomnia

A couple of years ago
I saw a doctor
Or so he purported
About my insomnia
Or how I yawned in the dark
Fitfully tossing and turning
Then bleary-eyed in the day
Forced myself to stay awake
He suggested activities
That might quiet
The freight train
chugging in my skull
Things like reading
And knitting were mentioned
Lovely, peaceful, quiet activities
Unless, like me, you just so happen
To do both of those things
An odd mix, to be sure
As your jobs (not your day job)
But job, nonetheless.
When I pointed this out to him
He was at a loss for suggestions
Of ways to turn off my brain
so, insomnia, it is.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Finally I Sleep

Spiralling down low
To that place that I go to
When I'm exhausted
When every muscle aches
And the darkness overwhelms
Time is meaningless
There is a stillness
Clawing at me, sharp fingered
But my thoughts escape
They hummingbird wing
Swirling around in the dark
Eddies of my thoughts
The rest of me drained
Bloodless, empty carcass, mine
Harvested. Empty.
I feel you with me
Coming to me in the dark
My lover, my friend
Frenzied, beating wings
Calm and still, safe in your nest
Head tucked under wing
Safe in the darkness
Sheltered in your loving arms
Finally, I sleep

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Max Bell

My dear friend, Max Bell, suffered terribly from COPD. He lived somewhere on the Northern Left Coast and we never met face-to-face. He could be a cantankerous bastard but I understood why. He made me think. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And, I loved him dearly.

He had a pet hedgehog. That alone made him remarkably special to me. But beyond the simple things, he believed in fairness, equality, common decency, all of those things that would make the world a much better place.

This morning I received an email from him with the subject line, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."--Dr. Seuss. It was a simple message signed by his mom:


Max is no more. He left this planet last Saturday quietly without pain or fear.
In place of a memorial please hug someone or vote democratic. Either would please him.

He contributed an essay to The Creativity Blog Project that will run on August 1st. Even his bio made me laugh when I read it and I still smile every time I see it.

Max Bell is just a guy with a hedgehog, a computer, and an internet connection.

Thank you, Max, for making my life just a little bit brighter just by knowing you. I am so very happy that you are finally free from the pain you endured with such grace and so very, very sad that I can't talk to you anymore.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Love Trumps All

I see the world in colors
Rhythms, cadence, music
Light
Nothing is just black and white
And love trumps all.

Suddenly Intense

Suddenly intense
A thunderstorm crashes through
I miss you, dammit.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

This space for rent:

THIS
SPACE

FOR
RENT

Not really, but I might as well since I'm not keeping my creative content here. My draft count for this site is currently at 95. I wonder if I can get the drafts to outnumber the posts before I put everything back up again on some as yet undetermined date in the too far future.

Twisting and Twirling

Twisting and twirling
My hair free from its clip
Unwinding my wetness
Finger combing and fluffing
Tresses restrained far too long
Finding a painful snag

Admitting I won't sleep
My brain has spun itself on
Rising from my temporary grave
To dance again in the light
Tits tumbling from weak restraint
Pocketful of change on the quilt

Fumbling to find any instrument
With which to scribble
What won't make sense later
Words, like my mane,
Twisting and twirling
When all I wanted was a nap.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

On Freedom and copyrights

If you are a creative and a customer of Dropbox hopefully you are aware of the current brewhaha going on now. Dropbox changed their TOS (terms of service) and a stampede for the exit door ensued.

A safe, inexpensive, reliable way to back up our data in all its various forms is something just about every computer user needs. Dropbox came along and offered a wonderful solution. They are a cloud based (somewhere in the etherwebs...off site...on their virtual servers) service where you can easily upload your files to their secure servers and then access them from any location that has internet access and even more importantly, share folders with other users. Every time you save a file dropbox keeps the older versions too. So, if something happens to your file, you can always retrieve the last save or any prior versions.

As an editor, and voice actor I have found dropbox to be invaluable. Before I started using dropbox, my battery died on my laptop while open office was open. I was 3 weeks into editing a novel and the entire file was corrupted. After drying my tears, I moved the original manuscript to dropbox and started over with a new open office version that I made my notes and changes to. Every time I hit save (or the program auto saved) I knew it was safe. When collaborating across 1500 miles on an audio project, a reliable way to transfer files in raw format is critical. If I have to use email then I have to compress the file and in doing so the audio engineer or editor on the other end has a lot less information to work with. With dropbox I could share files with all the people I work with easily.

The problem with the new TOS is that the language implies that dropbox is laying claim to the copyright of everything stored in their service and can not be held responsible if they use anything in any way without the true copyright holder's permission or compensation. They are saying that by agreeing to their TOS a customer is giving them permission to use their copyrighted material and also that the person putting it on their service owns the rights to whatever they are storing there.

In my personal case, I do not own the copyrights to a lot of the materials I was storing there. I am simply working on someone else's work. For that reason, when I was made aware of this change, I had to remove all works that are not mine. I can't risk someone else's copyrights. If something should happen to someone else's intellectual property while in my care I can't imagine what that would do to me not just as an editor but as a friend.

Now, I'm sure this all started when an attorney for Dropbox thought they were making their TOS better for Dropbox. It sounds like legalise designed for the CYA approach to business. Unfortunately for Dropbox I don't want you covering your corporate ass at the expense of my, and my clients and friends, rights as a creator. Since this started, they have been updating and improving the language of their TOS multiple times. I understand they need to take care of business and safeguard their company. But as a consumer, I have rights too. Corporate America seems to think their rights supersede mine. So, while the attorneys and CEO's have the right to create whatever TOS they want, I have the right to chose to not use your product.

So, all the files my creative friends and clients have entrusted to my care are now safely down out of the clouds and I'm back to the old fashioned backup of using an additional hard drive while I wait for Dropbox to decide what their TOS is or will be. And now, I'm also tasked with looking for secure alternatives for file sharing.

Seems that celebrating freedom this year has taken on a slightly different meaning in terms of freedom to own copywritten material...

Happy 4th of July.

For additional thoughts (and more in-depth analysis of the legalese) on this issue, please visit my friend Dan Sawyer's site http://jdsawyer.net.