Time to Get Out of Bed

Laying in bed on a quiet Sunday morning
Completely at peace
Trying to puzzle out
How to write what I need to say
To expose myself
And my actions
That were so wrong
And yet, so right

Tears streaming down my face
That I brush aside
Only when they impede
My ability to write
Tears of frustration
Not grief
Because to write about
My moment of impasse
And the men who helped me
Gain the strength to deal with it
By loving me, supporting me,
Telling me I could do anything
Anything
If I only believe, trust myself
Have faith in myself and my abilities
Oh, and work my ass off
Would only cause those I love
The same pain I've just come through

So, instead of staying here
Frustrated with my inability
To convey in words
The truth I and they already know
I guess I'll just get on
With the working my ass off part
And enjoy the fact
That my moment of impasse
Is no longer in front of me
But is now in the rearview mirror
And getting smaller by the day

Summer

The summer wind blows in
Gently pushing the clouds
Heavy with the summer rains
Into our awareness

Forward guards
of the advancing army
Mercilessly marching towards us
Threatening the peaceful Spring

They will take us prisoner, hold us hostage
In their humidity, caged in cumulus
Until a truce is called
In October.

Death

Death, it's narrow gaze
Does confer such loss
As heaven and hell
Proclaim in unison
The least of all
Shall abide such sorrow
In waves of tears
Poured out to wash
The miracle of life
Gently down the gutter

To the Writer:

To the writer:

You spend long hours

alone

with your words.

The odds of you

ever making a living

doing what you love

are longer than

your next novel.

But you need to know

that you have touched me

with your words.

And that even if

you never make

the NYT best seller list

you have made a difference.

Your words 

and your characters

are a part of me now;

a part of others too.

So, if you ever get discouraged

please remember this

and

Just.

Keep.

Writing.

The Pendulum

The pendulum swings
Similarly to karma
You time is coming

To Celebrate the Passing of Another April

It was one for the record books

Wet as usual

But more from tears

Than showers

I finally forgot

To mark the passing

Of that fateful day

And instead

Made a new milestone

As I began the creation a new home

I ended the month

In anticipation of the bright flowers to come

By creating my own colors

To celebrate the passing of another April

In poetry, and yarn, and love.

A Perfect Day

I saw a group of men today
They weren't terribly old
But definitely past teenage angst
Playing ball in the park

They were all colors
From pink and tan
To brown and black
A beautiful rainbow of complexions

They laughed and joked
Elbowing each other not as part of the game
But as part of the fun
Of just being together

Their game didn't seem
To have many rules
Didn't really seem to be much
Of an actual game at all

Sometimes they were all engaged
And at others they seemed
To be just hanging out
Or catching their breath

All the while they smiled
They talked and laughed
And all I could think
Was what a perfect day it was

Soft Silk

Soft silk surrounds me
Swaddled in my own cocoon
Drifting off to sleep

There Was a Time

There was a time when I was sorry.

There was a time when I was ashamed.

There were days when I was depressed

and days when I didn't know my own name.

I've given up those feelings;

the ones that cause me pain.

I've given up on lots of things

including you accepting any blame.

So, while there was a time;

that time has now past.

I'm done with negative emotions.

I know those lessons will last.

It's time to focus on the good things;

time for me to find my bliss.

Time to experience happiness

and being hugged, and held, and kissed.

35 Posts and counting...

When I decided to post a poem a day for National Poetry Month I never imagined I would have 35 posts up by April 27th.  Posting once a day isn't really that difficult when it's only a poem. Well, at least not for me.  Though, I have to admit there were a few days where I was less than inspired.  You can tell those days by the single short entries.  Meanwhile, there were a few where I was inspired and either wrote longer pieces, or multiple entries.  

I tend to have big ideas and good intentions and crappy follow-through. So, I'm proud of myself for not wimping out and missing any days. And, yes, I know the month isn't quite over yet; but at this point I have enough faith in myself to know I'll finish it out with a poem each day.

I'm glad I did this...I'd like to continue it as long as I can. It's become a pretty cool habit. Anyway, thank you to everyone who has read any of all of these this month.  If anything strikes you in any way, I'd love your feedback (good, bad, or indifferent). Hearing people's thoughts on my writing helps me improve, and makes it all worthwhile.

I Reach for You

When the world is grey
rain falling down all around
and I can't hold back the tears
I reach for you

When the sun is shining
Bright colors blooming loud
And joy is in my soul
I reach for you

You are my comfort
When I'm lonely or in pain
You are my co-conspirator
When we're dreaming our biggest dreams

You have given me friendship and love
Courage and conviction
Kept me centered, sane, and alive
So I will always reach for you

Sometimes

Sometimes people make me sad

or frustrated

or angry

Often I shake my head

at the things people do

Occasionally my soul hurts

from the senseless acts

of so few who hurt so many

But more than anything else

people lift me up

they make me smile

tickle giggles

and make me laugh

Hopscotch

Hopscotch

Ticking watch

Give a dog a bone

Lemon cream

Tangerine dream

Bill Bailey's coming home

Perfect lives

Someone lies

Mysteries unfold

Watch the clock

It's all a crock

The secrets have been told

Count to ten

And then again

How the words they rhyme

The witch has won

It's all been done

And in the nick of time

New Day

Softly chirping birds
Golden glow from sun's first light
A joyous new day

I Love What You Do

I love what you do
To my body, my spirits
When you say my name.

Max

Biologically, a parent

is always a parent

and your child

is always your child

But there comes a time

when the child

becomes an adult

and the relationship changes

I am so glad that

over the years

we have always been friends

and that hasn't changed

What has changed

is that now 

you are an adult too

and you're still my best friend

I have talked to you

since before you were born

We've laughed at little kid things

and now grown up stuff too

We've had some rough times

but we've come through them just fine

You are a great kid

and I'm glad you're my friend.

Satisfaction

Every muscle in my body
Aches
But in that pain
There is the satisfaction
Of accomplishment

Impasse

There is a moment in time
between nothing and something
when something's gotta give.
It may only be a heartbeat,
or the time it takes
to walk away
from your heart's desire.
But there comes a point
when the time for talking
has finally passed
and the only thing left
to do is...something.
But what that something is
can only be decided
in that brief moment
of impasse...



This poem was inspired by the synopsis of a movie by the same name. The screenplay was written by Jeanne Veillete Bowerman @Jeannevb (you can read about it on her website and it will be directed by Michael Bekemeyer @Bekemeyer.


This movie is a KickStarter project. Please check it out (AND CONTRIBUTE)!! 


When I read the synopsis I was moved to tears. I know that moment of impasse all too well. I knew in that moment that I had to do whatever I could to help Mike and Jeanne get this movie made. I don't have much spare cash these days, but they don't need a lot from any one person...they just need a big 'ole bunch of us to skip a latte or two and help get the word out. So, that's what I'm doing.
Check it out. If it moves you even a little bit, please consider donating. Even $1 counts. If you have a website or blog or facebook, G+ or twitter account follow these two wonderful, creative individuals and help spread the word.

Thank you.

Clown

I see your false smile,
the one you wear
when you perform
for the kiddies and their parents

It sends a shiver
up my arms,
up my spine,
to the base of my skull.

The corners of your mouth are tight;
there is no smile
in your eyes.
You can't pretend there.

I know the clown
behind the fake smile
and that's why
I left the circus

Religion

I found religion
and promptly lost it again.
Now I don't know
what to believe
beyond you and me.

And even there I still don't know.
Those times we've been together
are the closest thing
to an old fashioned revival meeting
this side of Dixie.

Calling out to God,
Praise the Lord,
and Hallelujah too.
Promising anything,
anything to feel the rapture.

I may not know what I believe
When it comes to God
and the almighty;
But Baby, I sure as hell know
that I believe in you.

Lollipop Kisses

If the sky was round
Instead of folded
And lollipop kisses
Were passed out as wishes
I would carress your soul
With a peacock's wing
And we would dance
From here to forever.

Faults and All

Every day I understand myself
a little bit more.
I am learning my strengths
and weaknesses,
and how to improve on both
while accepting that I am perfect
exactly as I am
faults and all.

Solitary Thief

I know he's out there
Somewhere
A solitary thief in the night
The man who will one day
Steal my heart

Just Indifference

Just indifference
No emotions left for you
You're not worth hating

Sleep is Hard to Find

Sleep is hard to find
When it's you I crave instead
In my bed with me.

I Love You, Baby

I love you, Baby
That's all I need to tell you
Each and every day.

Slowly Killing Your Soul

One day you will be found out
All your secrets set free
To fly unfettered
In ways you never could

Will you be the one to release them
Or will they escape on their own?
Will they break the chains
That have held them in your past?

Every day you get a little older
Does the pain fade for you?
Or is it still knife sharp
Somewhere deep inside?

Your secrets aren't that remarkable
To anyone except you anymore
Maybe someday you'll finally be free
Of your own drama and demons

And in the meantime I will know
All the darkness in your soul
All your secrets and your shame
None of which I am to blame

So until you are found out
Hold tight to all your fears
Let the venom take hold
Slowly killing your soul.

Soft Kisses

Soft kisses my love

Sweet dreams to last the whole night

Awaken to joy

Yankee Doodle 1984--2012

Yankee Doodle

1984-2012

It's been a lifetime since Dan and I had adventures together, but I'll never forget him. He had a heart of gold, an amazing spirit, a snarky attitude, and an unforgettable personality. He was a pampered pet who lived a long and lazy existence full of love and peppermints.  He will be missed.

Don't Look Down

Standing out on the ledge
shaking from fear
and nervous energy
goosebumps crawling
over my flesh.
I'm cold,
I'm hot,
I'm scared and excited too.

I hear your voice in my head,
in my heart,
telling me to believe in myself
because you belive in me.
Deep breaths.
I calm and center myself.

Then I look down.
And the bottom falls out of my stomach,
and I'm afraid my heart will explode
at the jackhammer pace it's going,
and I'm cold,
and hot again,
and my skin is so wet from sweat
I'm afraid I'm gonna slide off the ledge,
and...

"STOP!" you say
And I do.
And we wait for my pulse to quiet.
And I'm back to taking deep breaths.
I stretch out these wings that you have given me.

Mine were broken.
You patched me back together
like a broken doll
that needed mending
and some TLC.

They are whole again.
I am whole again.
These wings are strong
they are your gift to me

The air is soft and warm
so seldom has it felt soft
usually it is harsh.
Unless I'm with you.

But today,
here on this ledge,
it feels different.
You and I are different.

"This time, don't look down"
I hear you say.
"Don't ever look down again.
You can do this.
There's nothing holding you back."

And as you say this
I feel the chains drop
from my aching frame,
from my soul.

I lift these wings,
that are your gift,
and with a gentle push
I am free to soar.

Online Friends

If we should someday pass each other
On the street or who knows where
We wouldn't even recognise the other
Since our avitars are not ourselves
Me, with my swirled yarn
Rainbow colors of Childhood
You, with a changing kalidascope of images
None of them really, completely you
But I know you in my heart
Know you in my head
We've talked for years
Shared those moments of
"Oh, shit!" And "Oh, wow!"
Silly jokes and quotes
Pushed and prodded and
Applauded and hugged each other
Because that's what friends do
They forgive the unintended
And remember the purposeful
You have been and done those things
For me in so many ways
I hope I've done them for you
People who don't get it never will
And I no longer try to explain
How online friends are so special
because first and foremost
They are friends.
And you can never have too many of those.

I Believe in Possibilities

I am the passion of purple with a bow of pink
wrapped up in my own insecurities
waiting to be opened by you
I don't just think smart is sexy
I know this to be a universal truth
the same way art is beauty
I dance to the proverbial drummer
In my kitchen alone at night
naked but for my joy
I am searching for my truth
in words, colors, texture and sound
I believe in possibilities
of love and luck and me
and maybe you.

Lollipop Dreams

Transfixed
Tightroping between yesterday and tomorrow
Don't look down!
Waterfall of doubts
Lulling me to sleep
With the white noise of failure
If I can keep them in the past
I'll wake to sunshine

Lollipop dreams
Swirl the pretty colours
Bend over
Shove this damn stick somewhere else
Details are sticky
When it's time to play
Candyland in your head
In the dark

Every Day

Every day without fail

I am grateful

for everything you have done

everything you are to me

for you.

Tired Beyond Words

Tired beyond words
Beyond any emotions
I'm calling in dead

Positive Reaffirmations

Happiness and joy are mine
as I relax, stress-free
I am reaping the rewards
of my hard work and creativity
And beauty, love, and peace
Surround me every day

These are the words I need to say
To myself every day
Positive reaffirmations
Putting the thoughts I want to be true
out into the world
so that they can be made real

This doesn't take any of the responsibility
of working hard
off of my shoulders
It's just so much better
to put forth the positive
rather than the alternative

So I'm doing my best
to keep the nasty, negative thoughts
locked up tight away from the world
Faking it till I make it as some say
while I work to make it true

Let Me Go in Peace

When I say that I know
That you are out there
Somewhere for me
I also mean You
I think
Or maybe not
You see the thing is
I really don't know
I want to
To be certain must bring
A particular kind of peace
A knowing
A certainty
We already live in such
An uncertain world
But when I look at
All of the evil, terrible things
That humans have done
To other humans
To animals
To the world in general
And think about all the creatures
Who have died horrible deaths
Billions over the course of time
So many in the name of
Religion
I have a very hard time
Believing
That this thing
Or person-like entity
That you call 'God'
By so many names
Exists
I think we're all just scared
That this is all there is
When we see things
All around us
In the beauty of the world
Mathematical coincidences
That couldn't possibly be
Coincidences
Things we can't
Or couldn't before
Explain without magic
And we want so much
For others to behave like us
Because that which we can't understand
Must be wrong
We want to scare each other
Tempt each other
Tease and coerce each other
Into being the same
Into doing what we think is right
Because our loving god
Our vengefull god
Our whatever version of god
Demands it
When really it's okay
To not understand things
It's okay to search for the answers
Without using a crutch
To explain away the unknown
To kill one another in our own names
Makes so much more sense
Than to blame a greater unknown
And the idea of loving
One another
Doesn't need to come from on high
I doubt my searching
Will yield any definitive results
And I'm okay with not believing
In any of your
Particular Truths
I'll go on letting you
Have your beliefs
I just wish you could allow me
To not have mine
I understand you truly believe
And that's fine by me
But why do you care
That I don't?
How does what I do or don't believe
Affect you?
That's my biggest rub with religion
If you are so secure
In your beliefs
And I'm going to hell
Than, for god's sake,
Yours or his or hers
Or somebody's
Let me go in peace.

Forever In Your Heart

Soft as velvet, her supple skin
You can't help touching her
The graceful curve of her hips
The small of her back
Perfection
The way she moves, teasing you
Even as you try to ignore her
Unsuccessfully
The sound of her voice
When she is in your arms
Thrills you more
Than word can explain
She is in your blood
Forever in your heart
As you are in hers

Hands of Time

The hands of time tick round
Still no sign of you
I know you're out there somewhere
Trying to get through

Each day I check for signs
That you might finally be here
Will I feel your presence
When you are near?

Tell Me

Tell me your secrets
My lover
My friend
Whisper to me
In the dark

Tell me your desires
Your needs
Your dreams
Curled up close
In each others arms

Tell me your hopes
Your goals
Your fears
So that I may
Encourage and protect you

Tell me my friend
And I'll tell you
All of mine too
For that is the meaning
Of friendship and love

One of Those Days

Most days I'm so much happier
not being in a relationship.
Well, let me rephrase that.
I have lots of relationships
and I'm in them
completely.
It's more like not being
in a romantic one
that's here and now
instead of across time and distance;
not being part of a pair.

I've grown to appreciate
that being alone
doesn't mean being lonely.

I like not having to ask permission
of anyone else
'cause for me that's what
a relationship has meant
for so long

Most days
I'm happy just being me.
Unfortunately,
today isn't one of those days;
and, I'd give anything
to be in your arms right now.

Every Time I Dance

Every note
Each word and rhythm
Makes me think of you
Pop songs, rock
Eclectic, electric
Blues and jazz too

I had lost the ability
To hear the music
Through the pain
You held me gently
So patient and kind
Until I was whole again

Now every song
Reminds me of you
Every lyric your name
From a soulful melody
To a thumping bass
They're really all the same

You are my joy
My sorrow and salvation
My everything, my chance
At a happy life again
So I fondly think of you
Every time I dance.

Starting Over

I think I remember a time 

when life wasn't quite so complicated;

but I'm not really sure.

It's all been such a blur.

I've passed so many milestones:

school, kids, family, 

and yet it feels like I'm starting over.

And, in many ways, I am.

I have so many things I want to do,

NEED to do yet;

but, so often, what I want,

what I need,

doesn't come first.

But as the children grow

I am slowly, patiently

gaining more time for me.

Now, the complication isn't

IF I can follow my dreams

but WHICH dream to follow first.

Her Fantasy

High heels and stockings with a seam
Click clack teasing as she saunters by
Flirty ruffled hem dancing against her skin
Where you wish your fingers could be

Your pulse is doing double time
With the thumping bass
Her hips punctuate the down beat
As she struts by--indifferent to you

You see her sneak a glance in your direction
But you play along and look away
She throws back her head, arches her neck
Laughing as she shakes out her mane

You play it cool pretending you don't know her
Pretending her hair wasn't wrapped around your fist
That her long slender torso wasn't arched beneath you earlier
That the sight of her doesn't make your blood race

This is her fantasy, her request
To be strangers again
To tantalize and tease you from afar
Knowing you'll do anything to make her dreams come true

Validation

I remember when the world
Seemed so very big
I tipped my head back
To look so far up
Everything I did
For words of approval

I got bigger
And the world got smaller
Still I longed to be told
That someone
Anyone
Was proud of me

Different people came and went
Teachers and bosses
Who mattered little
In comparison to family
But at least they told me
Occasionally

I like to think that everything
No matter how devastating
Or painful
Can have a positive effect
If only you look
For the good

So while I've given up hope
Of hearing that others
Are proud of me
I've learned to tell myself
To tell that little girl
That she's done something right

And more importantly
I make damn sure
That when my little boys look up
For that validation
I tell them how very proud I am
No matter how big they get

Crazy Talk

Some of my plans are practical
Some seem half insane
Crazy talk I call them
While I continue planning

The difference between
Today and yesterday
Is that yesterday
I was too afraid to plan

Living with fear and stress
Is an excellent way
To keep your self from dreaming
And from doing too

When the fear was overcome
And the stress vanquished
Dreams, ideas, and goals
Came flooding in to take their place

All of my wonderfully crazy ideas
Had been waiting patiently
For me to find my voice
And start talkin' crazy

And now that crazy talk
Is slowly taking shape
Into crazy ideas and concrete plans
Not so crazy now

I'm Numb

I'm numb
After all the anger
All the rage
There is no happiness
Only exhaustion
And relief
And an overwhelming sense of numbness

When all is said and done
Nothing gets said
Of your temper
Or my affair
And it all comes down to numbers
Money
Who owes whom what

We separate all of the things
Share the kids
And move numbers back and forth
From column to column
Until we're equally unhappy
And able to live
With the results

I never understood
And I guess no one else ever will either
Unless they've been through it too
How completely
Soul-suckingly awful
A divorce could be
Until I went through it myself

I've been sad
And depressed
For so long
That I'm finally giving myself permission
To feel something else now
I'd like to feel happy
But all I can manage is numb

While I Wait for You

I am my worst nightmare
And my most exciting dream
Forever jumbled together
Never do they seam

All my future tomorrows
Changed forever by my past
If I focus first on today
I might just make them last

I hear your voice across the distance
Softly in my ear
I wish there was more that I could do
To forever bring you near

But this jumbled mess of me
Is destined to be alone
The best you can do to untangle me
Is whisper through the phone

I've been in your arms before
And know I will be again
No matter how long that takes
I don't want any other men

I'd rather come to terms with
And chase down my own desires
Than figure out how to explain it all
While fanning other fires

If someday someone comes along
Who can see me in all my tangled mess
And understand and accept me as I am
I will gladly tell them yes

And in the meantime I am content
To follow dreams old and new
Pushing myself to dream bigger
While I wait for you

Hot Sax

Strong hands slowly trace
my patience away
Moving to the rhythm
Of my desire
Teasing motion from
Hips with no shame
Until I growl in your ear
Like a pack-a-day blues singer
Chasing after the high note
One step at a time
Sax playing
Bass thumping
Syncopated punctuation
Intimate conversation
Trailing off in a chorus
Of sweat
And panted breath
As you take mine away
With your timing
And flawless performance
That leaves me begging for more

To Live

To live is to dream
Of happiness and success
Unthinkable achievements
Everything begins somewhere
What better place
Than in your dreams

To live is to laugh
Deep and hearty and strong
Laugh lines are the marks
Of a well lived life
See the funny in everything
Especially in yourself

To live is to learn
Something new each day
Challenge yourself and others
To improve, to question, to grow
New skills start as questions
What ifs and what's next

To live is to grow
Stronger each day
Stand tall and proud
And believe in yourself
If you don't, how can anyone else
You can make a difference

To live is to do
Old and new things
Something every day
Push boundaries, stretch minds
Challenge yourself to do more
Find your passions and pursue them

To live is to love
Starting with yourself
You are so special
You deserve nothing less
Life is far too short
To spend a moment without love

So dream your biggest dreams
Keep smiling
Keep pushing onward and upwards
To new and bigger things
But most importantly
Remember you are loved

The Children

The children are listening
To your words, your sounds
They hear what you aren't saying
As much as what you are
They hear your moods
Even when you don't know what they are

The children are watching
The world and all its craziness
The violence and destruction
The big people who act so small
They see it all and try to make sense of it
Even when it makes none

Where are your words?
When are your actions?
How are the children supposed to understand
When you and I are as lost as them?

Let Down

I've been let down easy
And let down hard
I don't mind
And I don't blame
I'm learning to re-evaluate my expectations
And they're no longer great
Maybe it is a little sad
To not expect love in your life
But maybe it's a happier existence
Than to constantly hope
Only to be let down

if I pretend to believe

if I pretend to believe

cause I'm pretty sure I don't anymore

that love is still possible

love that is possible in the first place

cause I've found plenty of love

it's just not possible

as my loves already have other loves

and I am a distant second

or even a far-off third

so they really aren't possible at all

is there the slimmest of chances

that it will find me

even though I've just about given up

on finding it myself

or will it give up on me too

the way I've given up on it

and then maybe the whole thing

will be called on account of rain

My Apathy is Boundless

my apathy is boundless

constant struggle to find meaning

when I am certain there is none

am I kidding myself?

can I do this? any of it?

and even if I can

survive

is that all I can do?

I'm not sure the big picture

is much bigger than that

so many ideas

so many dreams

constantly fighting the urge

to start something else new

when there's already so much begun

time and the heretofore mentioned apathy

are my enemies

that is until you factor in laziness

and the ever present

artist dancing daydreaming

if I try to remember

and yes, I said, 'try'

because I've given up on promises

to take one idea, one dream at a time

can I do it? is that enough?

Sign The Petition

There is a documentary called "Bully" that should be shown to every kid in high school in the US. Personally, I think it should be shown to every kid over the age of 10. Regardless, as it stands right now, this film can't be shown in any schools because the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) gave this film an R rating because of strong language. The very same language used by kids is what could keep them from seeing this film.

Please sign this petition asking the MPAA to change the rating for "Bully" to a PG-13 one so that it can be shown in schools where hopefully of can do some good.

Why Hate?

Why hate?

Why push someone else down

to lift yourself up?

Is there no other way for you?

Would it be so fucking funny

If you were the one being pointed at?

Shoved to the ground?

Stepped on?

Can you learn?

Or is it too late for you

to see the error of your ways?

What can we do to teach you?

Or are you simply incapable

of feeling empathy

putting yourself in others' shoes?

I feel so sorry for you.

I can only wonder at you

at how empty your life must be.

We will help and hold

and do everything in our power

to help your victim

to support the innocent

to make sure they understand

they are perfect exactly as they are.

You, however, are not.

And that's the saddest thing of all.

NO!

A single word can't hurt anyone

Can it?

What about when it's spoken

to a child?

Words like faggot

freak

retard

spaz

homo

dyke

queer

lesbo

moron

What new words will bullies

of all ages

come up with next

to say to some poor soul

who had done nothing to anyone

(nothing except try to live their life

figure out who and what they are

their purpose in this life)

all to make themselves feel better

about their own pathetic life?

Since you and I

are smart enough to know

to understand

that there is power in every single, little word

let's us

you and I

use one in return; 

NO!

She Is

Spine straight, chin defiant
This woman will stand her ground
She will bleed for her babies
And so will you if you cross her
What needs done she will do
She is a mother
Spine curled, lip trembling
This little girl is scarred
She will cry in your arms
Head buried in your chest
Desperate to be protected by you
She is a child
Spine arching, mouth open in a moan
This goddess is ecstasy
She will come for you
Giving and taking pleasure
You belong to each other, body and soul
She is a lover
She is all of these things
And more
This creature is contradictions
She is confusion and conviction
But most importantly
She is yours

Lists

I have lists a mile long
My lists have lists
Broken down by category
And sub-category

Moving
Money
Bills and more bills
Kids
Business
Necessary evils like taxes
And cleaning
Always cleaning

Then there's the lists for wishful thinking
That serve no purpose
Other than to keep me from screaming
And help distract
An already distracted mind
From the lists that matter

There are days
Let's face it; hours and moments really
When the lists don't motivate
They depress
And when that happens
My apathy becomes palpable

I know that when I fight the desire
To curl up in a ball
And hide from the world
Three more things are adding themselves
To a list somewhere.

I can hear them
Taunting me
Daring me to cross them off
Wipe them out of existence

Meh, maybe tomorrow

We

Each person is unique
And we see the world
From our own perspective
But what we often forget
Is that in so many ways
We are really the same

We all have fears
And doubts
And baggage we carry around
With us every step of every day

We all struggle with inner demons
We hear the voices
Of our inner child
Wanting to be included
To be loved
And of our worst critic
Telling us our faults
Telling us we are not worthy of love

We all want success
In whatever roles we have chosen
Artist, parent, child
Spouse, lover, businessperson
Humanitarian, and the list goes on

How do we know
When we have accomplished our goals?
What do we attain to quell these fears?
How do we even begin
To go about these things?

The answers are friends
And the sharing of these things
Realizing that no matter what our circumstances
We have common desires
And fears

And when we bring our experiences
Along with our fears and hopes and dreams
And put them out in the open
Amongst friends

Then our individuality
Can shine in our shared experience
And we will each succeed
When supported by the others

Her Sharpened Claws

Her sharpened claws
Rake repeatedly along his flesh
Not doing any damage
But leaving red welts
As she plays with her food

A Soft Breeze Tickles

A soft breeze tickles
Gently carressing my cheek
And I think of you

Insomnia

I suffer from insomnia

I've tried warm milk 

that reminds me of my great, great aunt

and how she made that for me when I was a little girl

I've tried sleeping pills

not the kinds that come with the warnings

that you may do things in your sleep

you wouldn't normally do...like drive

but the kind that are the PM in Tylenol PM

run-of-the-mill Benadryl

I've tried having a beer

I can't even say, "or two"

cause I never get past the first one

but even a drink doesn't do the trick for me

I toss and turn

it's one thing or another

I wake up sweating and then I'm freezing

but the answer is not the thermostat

or the bedding, or my nightclothes, or lack thereof

it doesn't matter what tricks or remedies I try

The thing I need to sleep through the night

is you pressed up against me

an arm over me, around me, holding me

to be sated and spent by you

So, to say I suffer from insomnia

is really to say I miss you

so very, very much

and sleeping without you 

just doesn't seem worth the effort

Joyously Celebrating

When you came into my life
I awoke from a long slumber
I had been world weary
For so long
Soul tired and uninspired
In a misty grey fog
You lifted the veil
That hung in front of me
Kissed away the apathy
Held me in your arms
And made love to me
Until my heart sang
With you I made a discovery
I found the woman
I was meant to be
Full of hope and joy
Laughter and love
I found my voice
Now the words flow out
In rivers and torrents
Passions promise unleashed
In syllables and sounds
Lifting me soaring
As my words take flight
Spreading my wings
Arching skyward
Soaring as you touch me, take me
And the words flow out
Joyously celebrating life
And love.

Doorway

A doorway is
An introduction
An invitation
A building's business card

It welcomes you
Or not
What lies behind?
Who?

A simple opening
Closed
Guarding the interior
Hole in a wall

Framed
Gilded
Decorated description
Of life and things within

May I come in?

Dragon's Wing

Dragon's wing

orange and red

against a field of blue

dipping, soaring

engines roaring

bringing me to you

Tea

When all else fails you
Tea with toast and yummy jam
Will fix what ails you

Unless that tea is
So goddamn mother fucking
Hot it burns your mouth

Words

I know of joys
Like touch and taste
Like feel
And cum
And kiss
But when those things are gone
All that's left are words

Words
That let me spew my thoughts
My every desire
Words that let me cry my pain
In ways that don't involve
Loud bangs
Or hot lead

Words that you listen to
Without comment
Or concern
The only sound I hear
Besides the voices in my head
Are the echos of my words
Sine waving back at me

The mathematical representation
Of my every spoken word
Moving through space
To touch things
Not people

Emotionless wave
Surfing over time
It's all math
All numbers and science
All of my emotions
Come down to chemicals
Equations of happiness
Unsolved problems of pain
Of me

But to explain the science
We still need words
Not gods
Or figureheads
Just thoughts and feelings
Insufficiently expressed
In words

Eroding

A Grand Canyon
Formed by time
And it's steady nature
The relentless wearing away
Eroding
Of what was once stable ground
By the constant friction
Of a volatile source
Water slick and shiny
So smooth
Gently bubbling along
The force of its power
Its destructive capabilities
Only witnessed
In the aftermath
When the passage of time
Reveals the beauty exposed

Thank You

When I thought I was at the bottom

you held me through the pain

gave me words

and music

set my soul free

And when I kept sinking

lower than I could imagine

you were the knot

at the end of my rope

that I held on to for dear life

A nervous cat had nothing on me

I trembled at the slightest sound

your voice calmed the storm

chased the demons

told me I would make it through

I believed in you

even when I didn't believe in me

you were always right

so smart, so strong

the answer to my questions

Now I'm so much stronger

no longer afraid

of what the future holds

and still I have the music

now I sing the words

I've let go of the pain

free to dance happily

you are always there for me

friends no matter what 

the future holds

Morning Wakes

Layers of fog
Kitten soft grey fuzz
Blanket the morning
Gently peeled away
By the rising sun.

For Katie

Don't ever think 

or pretend 

that you don't have a heart. 

They are so fragile, 

and so easily hurt; 

but without one

you are nothing. 

Better to feel 

and suffer 

the occasional pain 

that comes from feeling 

than to never 

feel anything 

of any depth at all.

I Write Poems

I write poems

because I believe in words

I believe in feeling

things deeply

completely

examining the world around me

examining myself

stirring up the emotions

and throwing the words that bubble

to the surface

of who I am

who I have been

and who I am meant to be

at the paper in front of me

and seeing what sticks

I write poems

to free myself

from me

to give myself

to you

to search my soul for you

and share the lessons I and we learn

exposing the truth of what I have lived

the hope of who I am becoming

writing the words that are

the double edged sword

of joy and pain

that life delivers as twins

birthed from the living of life

surviving and thriving in the sharing

of simple words 

that say so much

One Person

I remember the day
You came into my life
We had ordinary conversations
And yet they were more than that

Little did I know
That day I first met you
How you would change my life
In so many ways

I can hear you now
Telling me how you've hurt me
But you couldn't be
More wrong

You were that one person
Who believed in me
When I didn't believe
In myself

You gave me strength
When I was weak
Love when I felt unlovable
And most of all hope

It only takes one person
To make a difference
And for me
You will always be that person

Thank you, my friend
For loving me unconditionally
And telling me I deserve to be loved
Even though I am so flawed

Thank you, my love
For putting up with my insecurities
As I learned to be secure
As you taught me so much

You are just one person
Flawed and yet perfect
Wise and gentle and wonderful
One person I'll always love

Roller Coaster

Pride lifts me up
Fear sends me crashing back down
Again

I think of you
And I'm giddy, soaring
Then I stumble
Suddenly I'm disappointed
Back down to the depths

Someone hands me hope
And I can hear the gears
Click-clacking as I climb again

I know every up
Comes with a down
So much of this is out of my control
But you and me
Shouldn't be

I'm waiting for the next fall
Holding my breath
Scared that it will be you

Your sweet voice
Cuts through the interminable
Noise of the links pulling my car up the steep hill
Suddenly the car is pulling to the platform
And I wake in your arms

Our Words Dance

Our words dance
Around our separate truths
Listening to discern
Our commonality
And a new truth together

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear

(it crippled me,

left me sobbing on the floor,

completely paralyzed)

was to be alone

Was, because I finally understand

that even when you aren't here

I will never

ever

be completely alone

I am deeply loved

completely loved

unconditionally

across time and distance

Loved

Now there is nothing 

to fear

nothing I can not do

because I am loved

by you.

My Love

Loves laughter
Dancing on the sweet
Scent of desire
Warm
Wet
Gently floating amid patience
When the strength and security
Of your arms
Reaches out
Wraps me up
Like a present tied with a velvet bow
Pulling me in
And when butterflies kiss
Fluttering heartbeats
Soft moans
Spill over flooding
Then and only then
Silently treading
Tiptoeing
Gently knocking on my soul's door
Heart opened
You walk in
And I am home
My love

The Price of Freedom

The price of freedom
how we chose to measure that
measures us as well.

If measured in coins
then at what price do we sell
our bodies and souls?

If measured in time
do we count in years or days?
How long is too long?

If measured in tears
we will surely float away
a river of pain.

But measured in hopes
in candles flickering glow
a price gladly paid.

When Souls Become Twined

When souls become twined
Each the other has a piece
Together always.

Snuggling

Snuggled close to you

wrapped safely in your arms

not moving

not talking

just breathing you in

the scents of love

and lust

and desire

mixing together

in the heady aroma

of you

and me

neither one of us

needing anything

no agendas

no nothing

just the two of us

breathing

Walking In a Dream

My feet fall softly
On the carpet of dead leaves
Long forgotten memories
From summers past
Death's cliché of dirt
Fallen from grace

How many steps
Have I taken down this path?
I did not think to count
When first I stumbled here
I awoke. As if from a dream
Darkness all around me

Warm golden light
Dapples through the canopy
Until the dark closes in
And the blackness presses close
The steady passage of time
Marked between

There are no birds here
No insects or animals
The only sounds
Are the wind and my footfalls
Counting out the measure
Of a solitary march

There is a fog
Once thick and dark
That is gradually lifting
Each day as the sun filters through
More and more of its gentle warmth
Pushes through to warm my soul

I have no memory
Of when I started
I know where I came from
But not where I am going
Suddenly finding myself here
Off balance between then and what?

I measure my progress
Not in feet or footfalls
Not in days or miles
Nor in the aches in my exhausted frame
But in the warmth I feel
As the fog lifts from my soul

While I don't know where
This lonely path is leading
Or how long it will take me
To reach the end
I do know that you are waiting there
And that keeps me moving

It Was Dark That Day

It was dark that day

I ripped out my heart for you

and walked to the light

Words I Love and You

The words fall
From your pen
Through your fingers
Spilling from your lips
Droplets of sound
Raining down meaning
Love and sex and pain and yearning
Desire transformed aloud
Aching I reach for you
Fill me with your essence
Your words in physical form
Speak me into meaning
Transfixed by the rhythm
The droplets splashing on the page
Merging with my wetness
As you quench my thirst
What can I ask my love
That you have not answered
With your words
Stroked against my skin
Magical words collide
Poured out into mine
Raging rivers of passion
Tides ebbing out to sea
Salt water emotions
Form rivers on my face
Experiential transformation
Baptismal font of words
Sweat slicked and sated
Gasping out the last
droplets of desire
Words I love and you

Finally Home Again

At the beginning of time
Souls intertwined
Perfection melted together
One entity
In peace
And love
Shattered to hell
Cursed
Damned
Good and evil coexist
Evil left it's mark
Scattering pieces to the winds
And so we search
For those pieces
That fit into us
Those people
That are a part of us
And make us whole
When I hold you
In my arms
And look in your eyes
I see a little piece of me
That was missing for so long
Finally home again

The Music of Your Soul

I hear the music 

of your soul 

the syncopated rhythm 

of your love 

and I dance.

Set Fear Aside

There comes a time
When you must set fear aside
Each moment leading up to that time
Is more painful than the last
As fear closes in
Squeezing every cell
Every fiber
Of your being
Until the simple act
Of expanding your lungs
Is a near-impossible feat of perseverance
Pushing your will power
To live
To survive
Beyond what you think are your limits
Only to find
When you finally say
ENOUGH
I can't live like this
And you step past the fear
Dropping it like the baggage it is
That not only can you now breathe
But that the air is sweet
And full of hope
And love
And you are so much
Stronger
So much more
Alive
So much more
You.
But only after you take that first
Seemingly impossible
Step
And set fear aside.
It's not impossible.
And it is time.

What You Can Do

I am a content creator. One of the first things I learned when I was studying photography was the copyright laws and how they applied to the latent image on the film from the moment the exposure is made. That's right, for those of you that grew up post actual film, the image (and its ownership) is sacred and copywritten the instant it exists in the camera.  Protecting that copywrite was a very different matter back then and possession was nine tenths of the law, as the expression goes.  The negative was a physical thing that couldn't be duplicated by a simple click of the mouse. Publication wasn't instantaneous and world wide.

Today, theft and piracy are constant threats for anyone who creates art and content and publishes it electronically. We are all on guard constantly to make sure that not only is our material not being used without our express authorization, but also that we are not leaving ourselves vulnerable to theft by corporations with questionable terms of service contracts.

As terrible as online piracy is, and the threat is real, the answer is not government censorship, or the potential ability to censor.  Censorship of legitimate activities because of the potential bad behavior of others is not how I want my country to be run.  I don't want a bunch of rich white men who don't know an IP address from an IHoP telling me what I can or can't put up on MY sites.

Being anti-SOPA or anti-PIPA does not mean I am for piracy, it means I am against my government trying to regulate something it's ruling membership doesn't even understand by means of censorship at the expense of the innocent.

Today, this site went dark in solidarity with hundreds of thousands of other websites large and small to boycott the pending SOPA and PIPA legislation. But, we need your help to make our point to the elected officials that want to curtail our rights to put our content up without the risk of censorship.

Please contact your representatives to Congress and tell them that if they support these bills, instead of the internet going dark, it will be the lights in their district offices going dark when we vote them out of office.

You can find your representative and their contact information HERE.

Stop SOPA

Please tell you representatives in congress that you oppose the proposed SOPA legislation.

On January 18, 2012 I will be refraining from tweeting, posting on facebook or Google+, and posting here.  My site, ChocolateScotch.com will be down from 8am-8pm est.  

Max's List

We have always kept a grocery list on the refrigerator.  The theory is that when you notice you are using the last of something (or god forbid getting close to the last of something) or you want something that we are already out of you write it on the list.  The truth is that more often than not I'm the one to write most of the stuff down.  When the kids first attempt to write something (like candy) on the list in beginner penmanship it has been amusing.  Never, has it purposefully been used for comic effect.  Until now...

This morning as I went to the fridge to get the butter for my toast and the milk for my latte I noticed writing on the list.  I had gone to the grocery store just a couple of days ago, I knew I hadn't started a new list yet, and the younger kids are with their dad this weekend.  

Hmmm...I wonder what Max wants from the store?

Vodka

Tequila

Strippers

Fireworks (the big illegal kind)

Happy-in-a-can

Monkeys

Midgets

Midget-Monkeys

*SNORT* Good thing I wasn't already drinking my tea...

Now I wonder how long he's been waiting for me to notice...

Saved

You saved my life
Damn you!
Why did you do that?
We both know
I am strong enough now
To save myself
But for what?
I love you
Beyond all reason
And can never have you
So I'm not sure
What the point is
Anymore
Of anything
And since you don't want me
Why you bothered
To save me
From myself
When now it's you
I need saving from

Crap

I am writing
Crap
Thoughts swirling
Torturing
Disemboweling me
And all I can write is
Crap
My brains are oozing out my ears
Art
Ideas
Pain
Images of beauty
Thoughts of suicide
A banal existence
Torture
Freud
And Sherlock
Webster
And Barnum
Candy-ass
Wise-ass
Hocus pocus clowns on parade
And you
Pressure from all sides
Pinching my nipples
Making me squirm
Life
Equations about money
And fairness
Numbers should be
The happiest of things
Create something new
Something
The world can't do without
Something
Razor-bladed truth
Vivisected
Dipped and dunked
In bile
Love and longing
Fantasies of paranoia
Coping mechanisms
That destroy innocence
We are all innocent
Guilty of other crimes
Of being something new
Even as we age
Of wanting more
Out of less
Artists
Musicians
Mystic healers
Opening doors and minds
Let me in, dammit
It's cold out here
In the darkness of my mind
Bright colors
Of love and lust
Contradictions
Emotion
Logic
The train has left the station
And I missed my ride
Ghosts haunting
Dickens words
When all else fails
Reinvent the classics
Originality is a myth
My pain is not new
My heart is not broken
Continuity
From generation to generation
Songs and stories
Are the same
These thoughts swirling
Are not new
Just disturbing
Senseless
Crap

In This Place

In this place of my imagining
There is love
In this place of my dreams
There is you

In this place of desire
I am wrapped in you
In this place of peace
You are wrapped in me

In the real world
You are far from me
In the here and now
I am alone

In my words
I bring you closer
In my visions
We are one

Discovering Truths

‎​I love when you are my muse

And help me think things through

Discovering truths alone is good.

Discovering truths with someone you love

Is Nirvana.

Originally published November 16, 2010

I Found You

As I let go of all the pain

let go of the hurt and the hate

my heart was open and empty

and love came in

As I learned that jealousy

happens when I am insecure

and that passive aggression

is just immaturity, I have grown

As I began to understand 

myself and all my faults

I gained insight into others

and their shortcomings as well

When I let love come in

I began to understand and grow

And as I gained insight

I found you.

As I Choose to Be

Horror makes me laugh
You can not write a demon
Worse than what I've faced

I've seen time stand still
Stared into Hell's dark abyss
Rescued by a friend

And so now I know
That everything is precious
Even bad days good

Each tick of the clock
An individual joy
That won't come again

So thrill me with death
Write of wanton destruction
I'm stronger than that

I can read knowing
I'm safe in the here and now
As I choose to be

You Know Who You Are

Experiencing
Need and want at the same time

You know who you are

Fault Lines

there are fissures

running through my heart and soul

like the fault lines

through a piece of marble

that make some view it as worthless

but a great sculptor

sees and knows

and with a gentle and skilled hand

uses what others see as fault

to bring forth the perfection

the otherwise unseen inner beauty

this artist shaped by other artists

stronger from the polishing

the hammering away

rough treatment

by loving hands

that can't fix the fault

because there is nothing to fix

when that which some see 

as the problem

is really the solution

and the fault lies not with the stone

but with the viewer

3 in 1

Part one: New Year's Day

Part two: Sach's Covered Bridge

Part three: Gettysburg National Cemetery

Part four: Forever Here Now

I'm combining three different themes into this last post: self portraits, photographing the photographer, and misc/nature shots.

I realize in looking at these after the fact that my shadow resembles a fire hydrant more than anything else. Lovely.

I'm always curious to see how other photographers work, and then to see the images they get...

Hey, Adam! Surprise...

And, that's all, folks...

It was a wonderful morning; a great way to start the new year. I can't wait to see the images that Adam got...

Forever Here Now

Part one of this series: New Year's Day 

Part two: Sach's Covered Bridge

Part three: Gettysburg National Cemetery

Forever Here Now

there are so many

monuments to fallen men

markers of the dead

groups from near and far

they left their homes and families

to fight for ideals

they killed and were killed

on these rocks and in these fields

the tens of thousands

we erected stones

hunks of granite and marble

stood against the sky

they stand as markers

so many they make us numb

and lose all meaning

troops and generals

fallen from so many states

remembered in stone

sentries that don't see

the ghosts that gather around

forever here now

Often it's the simple things that have the greatest impact. This is a grave stone inside the National Cemetery. The elaborate monuments of generals and angels and the exquisite architecture of the bigger memorials didn't have the impact on me as this small, simple stone. Two words and a number.