Friday, May 21, 2010

Who I Am

This is the second half of the conversation we had as I heard "Slut" that very first time. I haven't written a non-senryu/haiku poem since college (over 20 years ago). So, to watch my fingers type "For So Long" onto the computer screen with little to no input from my conscious brain was pretty amazing.  But to watch another poem pour itself out after mine was as close to a religious experience as I've ever had.  I knew he wasn't aware of what he had written...I had to tell him to look at what was on his monitor. Here it is for you to share...

Who I Am  
   by E.M. Phoenix     5/21/2010
music...and my writing...
are the best ways into my soul
who I am
what I am
me without pretense
without facade
or any kind of hidden...

and I speak
from those places within
through other peoples words
their music
and the music of my own passions 
spilled out through my words
that is who i am
this is who i am

For So Long

A friend (a real audiophile) and I were talking music online and as songs were recommended I would sample them and if I liked them I added them to my blip feed.  And then I clicked on the song "Slut" by Velvet Acid Christ.  I had never heard of them or this song.  To say that it affected me would be an understatement.  Yet, I can't point to a particular thing about it that makes it resonate with me so deeply.  I have added a lot of people to my life lately too.  Some of the people I am inexplicably drawn to or care about deeply have asked, "What was it about me?" And, my answer for them is the same as my explanation about this song.  

I have no idea.  None.  It just is.  And I'm so very glad I found you.

This poem wrote itself as I first listened to "Slut"

For So Long

when you're not aware 
that something is missing in your life 
you feel nothing about it.
you don't know what you don't know
but when someone pulls back the curtain
and exposes the giant gapping whole in your life
in your soul, 

your very existance...

you don't know you're missing something 
until it completes you
you can't help but feel 
an exquisite sort of pain
heartbreaking emptiness
that the missing part 
not only IS missing
but that it HAS BEEN missing...

for so long

Thursday, May 20, 2010


To finally see you
hold, smell, feel, taste, and love you
that is my desire,

Safe inside your arms
bodies and souls become one
safe inside your heart.

They call me 'Trouble'.
All I want is you, my Love.
 No trouble at all.

Touch my heart gently
touch the deepest part of me
all of me is yours

When I look at you
I don't see what others' see
only your sweet soul.

If I told you now
that I'll love you forever
would you believe me?

Your eyes speak to me
stronger words I've never heard
from anyone else.

Your silence cuts me
tears might as well be life's blood
as you crush my soul.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

More Iris

As I got home this morning I realized that more of the iris had bloomed.  This will be a daily event for the next week or so.  The sky was overcast and the first misty drops were starting to fall.  I ran inside and grabbed the camera so that I could get at least a couple of pictures of these gorgeous blooms just in case they didn't survive the rain.  Here they are...

Carter's MS Lacrosse Team

Spring is lacrosse season here.  If you're not familiar with the game it's similar to hockey but played on grass with a ball.  The sticks have pouches at the end of them so rather than the ball rolling around like in field hockey, the players throw and catch it.  Once the ball is in or on their stick they can run with it but the pouches are shallow so it can be hard to keep the ball in there securely.  And, they check each other with bodies and sticks.  The other major difference is that in hockey all the sticks are roughly the same size.  In Lacrosse the defenders sticks are twice as long (6' as opposed to 3') as the other players.

Yesterday was a game day for middle son Carter's middle school team of the Harrisburg Academy.  Here are some photos from the game.  They won.  I think the final score was 9-1 but I didn't really pay attention at the end (go figure).

Carter #19 warming up

Our oldest, Max (seated) helping run the clock and the Assistant Athletic Director (in red shirt)

Carter watching and waiting for his line's turn in the game

The team huddle

My favorite shot of the day!  You would never know the game was a blowout by the coaches' reactions to a call.  These guys are awesome!  No one is ever cut from the team, everyone gets a chance to play, and these guys love teaching the game to the boys!  They are a bit vocal and expressive on the sidelines (but never negative or nasty)....

A pat on the helmet for a job well done.

High fives!

Shaking hands with their opponents after a well-played game.

I think my boy is due for a hair cut!!  I know he has eyes under there somewhere. 

Jake following his future wife. (She thinks so now anyway...)

Which would make the two on the right Jake's future brothers-in-law with Max.

My Dad on the sideline (I come by the photography skills naturally.  His dad owned a camera store in Cleveland.)

The Head of the School (far left).  Addison (DH) far right.

My Mom (red top) knitting.

Friends who are also parents of some of Carter's friends who are also on the team.  Karen is in the center in a gorgeous cotton sleeveless knit I may have to copy.

And, my buddy Lisa.  Addison says she's a bad influence.  But Lisa & I disagree.  Besides, we can't figure out who influences whom anyway...

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

I Knew It! Take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz

Your results:
You are Deanna Troi

Deanna Troi
Will Riker
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
Jean-Luc Picard
James T. Kirk (Captain)
Geordi LaForge
Beverly Crusher
Mr. Scott
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
Mr. Sulu
You are a caring and loving individual.
 You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.
Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz...

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Sorry, My Fault(s)

I've written about how it feels like I'm going through some sort of "mid-life crisis" for lack of a better term. I've written about being unemployed and my subsequent "do-over" in terms of learning to follow my passion (and hopefully earning some money at it). I've written about photography, photographing the photographer, and photographing roads and paths. I've written about writing. I've written about my love for Twitter and the amazing friends I am meeting through Social Media. I've written about pushing myself to come out of my shell, to experience these new people, new things.
What I haven't written about is how all of these individual things, ideas, events come together. When put together (for we are all a sum of our parts--all of them--for good or ill) what do all of these things mean? What do they represent? What do they say about me?
The first thing they tell me is that I am going through my own personal Renaissance Period. A time characterized by thinking, art, literature, music, fashion, and ideals. A time of bright colors. A time of social and personal growth. A time of exploration and experimentation. In essence, a time of change.
The next thing they tell me is that I am reaching out. For possibly the first time in my life I am looking outside of myself for the answers rather than turning within. And, I'm reaching repetitively; more people, more directions, more experiences, more ideas. In the past, if I was forced to look outside myself I would do so shyly, quickly, in just one new direction. And, when I got some little piece of information I would quickly pull it in to me without question. The fear of being out of my comfort zone so much greater than any need for truth. Now I am reaching out constantly. And now, I don't want to just grab one little tidbit and blindly put it on the alter. I question everything, finally seeking out that which is true for me.
They also tell me that I am imperfect. So far from perfection that I am comprised more of faults than substance. I am impatient. I am flightly. I am insecure and unsure. I am hard headed and sometimes hard hearted too. I am imprudent, unreasonable, impractical, and impulsive. I can be dangerous, and spiteful, and mean. I am lazy, obstinant, obtuse, and ignorant and worse yet, arrogant. I speak without thinking and often think only of myself. I am over-emotional, clingy, and insecure. I require constant reassurances but only without criticism. I spend too much time daydreaming without actually doing anything to chase down my dreams. I settle for mediocrity and let my fears of being alone, of failing stifle my growth and hold me hostage. I abuse my body in so many ways. I abuse those closest to me by taking advantage and taking for granted. I push people constantly yet sob if any dare push back. I hurt myself repeatedly and yet blame other's for my pain. I play the role of the victim when in truth I am more like the victimizer. This list is so depressingly long yet so incomplete.
These things that I have been experiencing and writing about also tell me that I am human. That I am in pain. That I am working on so many parts of me simultaneously that I am overwhelmed. But I am making progress. As I seek, I am finding and being found. They tell me that I am so fortunate. Fortunate to have this period of self-discovery. Fortunate to have people in my life; family, old friends, and new friends who support me even and especially when I can't support myself. People who can take the pain I throw at them when I just can't keep it in any more and let it go rather than hurl it back at me. People who instead of walking away from me when I reach a dark place run toward me and drag me kicking and screaming back into the light. People of unfathomable strength who somehow manage to carry themselves and their families through the day to day and miraculously still have strength to lift me up.
I am listening to all of these things that my life is telling me right now. What I am telling you is, "Thank you." Thank you for being one of the special people in my life right now. I know I couldn't do this, couldn't go through this without you. I am also saying, "I'm sorry". I know I ask too much, demand too much from you. I know I have hurt you in so many ways and I truly am sorry for that. And finally, I am saying to you, "Please stick with me and join me on this adventure, this journey". I think the answers are around that bend in the path up ahead.....

Monday, May 03, 2010

Backyard Beauties

I don't venture out into my own backyard often enough.  I ended up in the back yard today and had to go get the camera.  The light was just starting to hit that magical time and Spring appears to have finally sprung for us.  And so, I offer up these photos from just a short while ago...