Tuesday, July 31, 2012

In Transition

I am currently in transition....or, well, my blog is.  Both of us in truth I suppose.  

I don't know my thoughts on whether or not I will completely discontinue this blog or not at this time.  I am currently working on moving the poetry, essay, and photographic posts that are here to my new site

So, you can find my new poems there, and the older posts as I get to them.  The stuff from the first few years here is going to remain here but will not be transfered over.  Eventually, I will be taking down the posts that I have moved so that they are each just in one place.

The new site is being designed (it is definitely a work in progress) to be my alter ego in the hold all of the different parts of me (writing, editing, yarn and fiber stuff, photography) and whatever else catches my fancy.  In some cases, like the yarn dyeing, it will be a gateway via links to other sites. 

If you have been here and have enjoyed any of my words or pictures, I hope you will visit the new site and join me there.

Life is an exciting adventure...join me for the ride of a lifetime.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Words I Need to Tell You

There are words I need to tell you
Words I want to say
But the time is never right and once again
Today is not the day

I've loved you from the first moment
Known you from the start
You will always be a part of me
Your words are written on my heart.

Sometimes love isn't enough
This isn't about just you and me
No matter what we feel
This wasn't meant to be

So when I feel like sighing
I will bite my lip instead
And I'll try to forget what it was like
Curled up next to you in bed

While I don't think I can ever forget
All the nuances of you
I can understand
This painful thing that we must do

I never wanted to be an actor
But it's a skill that I will learn
I can pretend that it's not you
For whom I always yearn

When I sunk into the darkness
You were there to pull me through
You and I both know
I owe my life to you

So I will let you know
You are off the hook. Free
Go back to the life you have made
You don't need to worry about me

There are words I need to tell you
About how I love you so
So much so that
I'm finally letting go

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


When religion is born
On gilded wings across the morn
And all of man's desires
Are spent across the hours

Only then will we be free
To search our destiny
For that moment in space and time
When I became yours and you mine

Sunday, July 22, 2012


I want to write
The desire is there
I have the time
Hell, I've gotten good at making the time
I have a long list of topics
All things I have already started in my mind
So many ideas
But they are all in the abstract
Lessons I am learning mostly
And a couple I have finally learned
Everything is so jumbled for me these days
I can't seem to focus
On any one thought
For more than an instant
And no matter how fast I write
It's not fast enough
To stay focused
Because one thought
Keeps intruding
But it's not really an intrusion
Since I go there willingly
And it's not so much a single thought
As lots of related thoughts
All centering around one person
And so I've been having a terribly hard time
Writing about anything
Because it's not just anything
Or anyone
Occupying my thoughts
It's you
And so much more
It's a list of places I want to show you
It's thinking about the feel of you
The scent of you
The taste and touch and every other sense of you
It's all the little things
That mean so much
And so with all of these thoughts about you
Swirling around in my head
In a happy whirlpool
Of anticipation,
Peace and happiness
Is it any wonder
That I can't focus
On anything else?

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, July 20, 2012

Friday Love

It's Friday
I'd do a happy dance
If I wasn't running late
As usual

Because it's Friday
I get to wear jeans
As comfortable
As our relationship

I pull on a faded tshirt
As soft as a kiss
And a sweatshirt
That embraces me

I step into shoes
That make me want to dance
I'm still so tired
But it's Friday so it doesn't matter

And before I dance out the door
I tell you I love you
I know you know already
But I tell you anyway

Because it's Friday
And I do

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Gasping For Air

When I listen to a poet
Perform their poem
For the first time
Not their first time
But my first time
When I don't know what to expect
Beyond the title and their name
Which sometimes is enough information
That I am already holding my breath
Of expected brilliance
Because some people are so gifted
That I would probably be enthralled
By their snoring in the deep, dark night
I am pulled in
To their world
To their words
By their words
By the rhythm
And their passion
And the images and emotions
They paint before me
And wrap around me
Pulling me in
Reeling me in
Out of the water of my comfort
Until I am in their realm
And I suddenly realize that I can't breathe
I am helpless in their grasp
My heart pounding
Until they release me
Back from where I came
Gasping for air.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hours on the Phone

Hours on the phone
Talking about anything
Just to hear your voice

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Discovering You

Discovering you
So new to me
Each time we talk
I unwrap
Another present

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


In the day-to-day reality of life
I battle demons
And laundry
Foes of my own creation
And from my past
I vanquish dirty dishes
And depression

I escape my little life
By venturing into your worlds
Created with your words
That I may be surrounded
By a new reality
Your reality
Skillfully crafted lands
Where adventure awaits
If I only believe

Time is no longer measured
In minutes, hours, or chores
Instead I am timeless, ageless
As your characters enthrall me
Heart pounding, pulse racing
Holding my breath
In the hopes of their victories
Soul crushed when they are defeated

Thank you for providing
A means for my escape
A time when I am free
And a subject for my dreams
When I escape again into sleep

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 08, 2012

The Joys of Technology

It's that instant
When I've just told you something
Something I think
You don't want to hear
Something you need to hear
Whether you like it or not

I meant well when I said it
It is a criticism
But it's something you can easily fix
If you want to
Or not, it's up to you

I wait nervously
For your response
And the silence is killing me
I remember other times
When I angered him
And he pulled away
Shut me out

My stomach tries to turn itself
Inside out
My pulse is suddenly racing
Why can't I breathe?
Why haven't you answered me?

Oh, god, no.
Please don't be angry with me
Please don't shut me out
I couldn't take it
To not talk to you

As my panic attack
Builds to a crescendo
A message pops up
Using a different program
"Where did you go?"

As the air rushes back into my lungs
And relief washes over me
I tap a response
"Damn wifi"

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, July 06, 2012


When my brain is full
No more room for anything
Today's problems, thoughts, ideas
Spill over
The levy, the dam
The words tumble
Spill over
Escaping into the noise
To flee forever
Catch them in a poem
To make sense of later
No thinking now just write
Let the words sort themselves
And solve the problem
You and I are not needed
To solve the riddles
Of the words
They are their own answers
Freeing up my subconscious
To work on solving the larger issues
Like where do socks go when they escape?

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, July 02, 2012

Random thoughts about learning and relearning lessons

Yesterday was a rough day. The weekends when my younger sons aren't here with me usually are.  One of the things I still struggle with (there are many) is that it's okay to enjoy myself when they're not here. 

I should be thankful for the alone time, something I never felt like I had enough of when we were all together 24/7, but I'm just not used to how complete it is.  It's one thing to want to carve out a few hours at a time, but this is so different.

I think I'm also still afraid of what others will think or say about me as a mom if I actually learn to like the time I have to create or pursue my passions. Why that is something I waste time or energy on is a whole other post. I need to let go of that negative thinking. I need to learn that I can't control what others think or say. I need to stop getting in my own way and blaming others. 

I love my kids. That they know that is all that matters. I am learning to love myself. That's the hard part. I have 5 days out of every 14 where I am completely alone. Yes, my oldest son lives with me but he is starting to have his own life and I need to not get in the way of that with my insecurities and fears.

I guess what I need to start doing is not just set grand, lofty, somewhere-out-there-in-a-future-far-away goals but closer ones too and then do the work of scheduling the work (and actually doing the work itself too) to accomplish all that I want, all that I can dream.  I'm wasting time being depressed.  We all understand that time is money. So, I am squandering away a fortune when I spend a day on the couch.

It's not enough to just dream, I need to get up off of my butt and DO. Ugh. 

Yes, these are things I already know. And yet I seem to have to learn them over and over again. I'm wondering when that will stop. Are there things I've finally learned that have become part of me and I missed it? Hmmm....

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Seven Days

I mark the passage of time
Not as a continuous stream
Of days or weeks or months
But as an on again, off again
Series of days
A binary system
Zeros and ones
Where I am either
With you or without you
Seven days where my world is bright
Followed by seven of darkness
I know you don't understand this
You don't always see the joy
When I'm tired from a day at work
Or I'm telling you to do something
You don't want to do
Like pick up your toys
Or hang up your clothes
But you are the light in my life
The reason I struggle to do what I love
The reason I create
To show you it's okay
To follow your dreams
Follow your heart
So, after I smile and wave goodbye
Calling out last I love you's
As you leave with your dad
A dark, heavy curtain comes down around me
And the counting begins again
Seven days to go...

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I lift my eyes to the sky
Closing them in pleasure
As the warmth of a new day
A day of promise and possibility
Washes over me

I lift my hands
To those needing a hand up
Some days I am that person too
Can we all help each other?

I lift my heart
Glad for all the opportunities
This life gives me
Day in and day out
I am grateful for so much

I lift up my voice
In words and melodies
Celebrating each moment
That I have with you

My trials are small
Compared to so many
My burdens light
I have an abundance of riches
That I am thankful for
Each and every day

My greatest wishes
Are that I continue
To learn and grow
To have grace and compassion
To do better each day
And have humility on those days
When I am not all that I should be

Lift up your eyes and your hands
Your hearts and your voices
With me
That we may help each other
Love each other
And experience all of the joy
And wonder
That this world holds for us

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Imperfections

I can't stand here and act holier than thou
I never claimed to be perfect
In fact, I'm the furthest thing from it
That I know

I wear all of my imperfections
Like a crazy-quilt shawl
Draped over my shoulders
Colors and textures so discordant they harmonize

When my laziness and shyness
Conspire against me
I need someone behind me
Urging me forward

Not someone towering over me
Pushing me down
Pushing me back
Recounting my sins

For they are many
And I am weak
But each day I grow stronger
As I heal myself from within

The gentle nudges forward
Help me move past my past
Understanding and accepting
All of my imperfections.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, June 22, 2012

Fit For a Friday

The smell of wet asphalt
Rolls up off the parking lot
The urban equivalent of wet dog

The rain is half-hearted
Not the purposeful anger
Of a thunderstorm
Intent on reminding us
How powerless we really are

No, this is the kind of rain
When it gets so humid
That the greedy clouds just can't hold any more
And the excess slowly bleeds off
Reluctantly supplying some relief

A melancholy moisture
Fit for a Friday
At the end of a very long week
A respite of rain
Before a glorious weekend

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Reader's Wish

Dancing, swirling around me
Breathing on their own
And giving breath to me
These words--magical, alive
I am under their spell
Demonic or righteous
I care not which
Only that they never end

Sent from my iPhone

The Writer

We all have the same words
Yet yours are strung together
In such a way
As to make me feel things

They are just words
And yet a tear slides down my cheek
When the meaning behind the marks
Becomes clear

You arrange simple words
In such a way--your way
And your stories
Become embedded in my soul

How I see the world
Becomes forever changed
By simple words, touched by you
Thank you

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

On the High Wire

Every day
From that first moment
Of almost consciousness
To the bookended instant
When I finally let go
And sink into the blackness
I waver between okay
And not

Taking one cautious step
After another
Feeling my way along
Terrified that I will lose my footing
And fall into the abyss

I used to have a net
But I got better at this
Or so he tells me
This high wire act of sanity stepping

I shouldn't look down
But I have to
Just to assure myself
That I'm still safely up above

I've fallen many times
But my net was always there
To catch me
Before I hurt myself

The trick now is noticing
That instant before I wobble
To stop myself before I slip
I can't afford to fall again
Now that I'm on my own

I slowly work my way
Across the chasm
Inch by agonizing inch
Wondering what or who I will find
When I reach the end
And safety
And will it have been worth
This circus stunt existence.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, June 17, 2012

One More Promise

Razor blades slowly slicing
Ribboning skin
Sadistic zebra stripes of blood
Couldn't hurt worse

Crying doesn't help
There aren't enough tears
To wash away this pain
Without drowning

Trying to hold it all in
Hold yourself together
So confused, so scared
Where do you go from here?

You take one breath at a time
Slowly, in AND out
Then you take another
And you let each breath heal you

You let go and let friends catch you
We won't let you down
We have strength enough to share
Now is when you take

Some of us have been where you are now
I have been there
To hell and back
I can give you the 10 cent tour

It took time
For me to understand
That I am loved
And lovable.

You, my dear friend, are loved
You are infinitely lovable too
This is just a shitty time
But time passes and this will too

We are here for you
I am here for you
If you don't think you can lean on us
We will pick your ass up and carry you

But if you make me carry you
Cause you know I will if I have to
After we get to the other side
I'll kick you in it.

Just one more promise
Along with the one where I promise
You will be okay
Because we will make sure of it

I promise.
I love you.

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Writing Doesn't Suck

There is stuff (written stuff) out there that sucks.  There's lots of other stuff out there that sucks too but that's a different post. I'd never want to have to tell someone their words don't line up in such a way as to avoid suckage and I don't think I've ever met anyone that I would say that about. But I've read some pretty awful stuff a few times and heard of worse. 

So, where do I get the balls to say that MY writing isn't crap? That's just it...having the balls, the confidence is a huge part of knowing that I can string words together in an at least passable way. Confidence is not something I wear well. I still feel uncomfortable in my confidence. Yeah, I know that doesn't really make sense. 

I read a lot...usually other writers: prose and poetry. I usually think my work pales in comparison. My faults, as a writer, are many. My vocabulary, while above average, is nothing compared to so many. Logic and I have never been properly introduced. Oh, wait, a friend once did me the favor of making introductions, but we found we had nothing in common and after some small talk about the weather went our separate ways. My cat, who tends to fall off the bed at least once every few days because he forgets that he's laying at the edge, is more clever than I will ever be. And finally, I am ADD enabled and imagination impaired. 

I swoon when I read works by other poets. Wishing I could use such imagery or build layers of subtlety into my work. Hell, some days I'd just like to have a point. 

Yet, I'm saying I now know that my writing doesn't suck. I finally figured out, with the help of people telling me when something I've written has struck them in some way, and by going back and reading through my own words, that what I'm doing is okay. It's not the same as the things that make me swoon. And, that's okay too.

I often think my style is too abrupt, too angst-ridden, too simple. Now, I know it's just me. My writing can only ever be just me. I can see changes in my words from then to now. Sometimes I even see what I would call improvements in the changes. But now is not the time to judge. And, from whom would I get the standards from to do such judging? 

I'm learning to put words down on a regular basis. To write. And to keep writing. I often tweet to Just. Keep. Writing. and I'm finally starting to take my own advice. Because writing isn't the kind of endeavor that has limits. Sure, there are guidelines for what to call groups of words of certain sizes (like novel, novella, novelette, and the ubiquitous Lowell that encompasses the fourth dimension of time as well); but beyond that, there are no rules... 

Except that to be a writer you need to write. And, in understanding and practicing that, I am gaining confidence. The confidence to finally understand that what I'm doing is okay. And I just need to keep doing it...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

On Base

Remember when we were kids
And a game of tag
Was endless fun
On a summer evening?

The stately oaks that gave us shade
Were put to use as bases too

There were four
Or was it five?
Guarding the corners of our lawn
With lots of running room between

We would wait until whoever was 'It'
Looked the other way
And then sprint, as fast as our little legs could carry us
To a different base

A safe zone
My heart pounding out of my chest
Panting for air

It was here that I regrouped
Here I caught my breath

I think of this game
And that feeling of safety
And security
And catching my breath after taking a chance

As I touch base with you
After venturing out into the world
Playing grown up games now
Still needing time on base to breathe

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 09, 2012


Giggle fits
Silly looks
Cheers and groans
And high fives too

Reading, singing
Snuggling close
I love this time
With you

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, June 08, 2012


Letters and symbols
Lines and designs
Absentmindedly traced across your skin
My fingers writing forgotten words
In the shadow of a shoulder-blade
While I concentrate on your ear
And delivering a message by lips
The warmth of my breath the punctuation

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Moments of Joy

That sideways look
As if I'm not supposed to see it
The grin that follows
And the gleam in your eyes

A hug between friends
Gentle yet strong
Tender and warm
Breathing in the scent of you

Saying something stupid
That immediately invokes a laugh
Giggling about it for three days
Or three years. Just because.

Holding hands and hearts
Dancing to a song only we can hear
That moment of "A ha!"
And the wonderment of you

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 02, 2012

I Believe

I believe in love at first sight
but not happily ever after
people constantly change
and forever is a very long time

I believe in loving many
because one person
can not be everything
for another

I believe I am far from perfect
and I will do my best
to forgive you your flaws
if you forgive me mine

I believe in heaven
because I've felt it in your embrace
and hell is any time
that I'm away from you

I believe in art for art's sake
in finger painting with children
in letting go of self restraint
and pretending no one is watching

I believe children have all the answers
and we could learn so much
if only we first learn to let ourselves
be child-like again

I believe in words
and the power of saying
"I'm sorry"
and "I love you"

But mostly I believe in you

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, June 01, 2012

The Depth of You

Laughter sits
lightly on my lips
tumbling off
every time you make me smile

I am powerless
against your charisma
happily locked in your embrace
bound soul to soul

I carry music in my heart
its thumping rhythm
pulsing life through my veins
as I sing to you

The vastness of all creativity
is my universe
as I explore infinity
in the depth of you

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm Sorry

none of us is perfect
we do our best
putting one foot in front of the other
pushing on while hoping for happiness

we make so many mistakes
big, not so big, and just plain silly
but if we're lucky
we learn some lessons along the way

lessons about the specific things
but more importantly
how to say, "I'm sorry"
those words some never learn

words I have etched in my heart
words I use often because I know
what it's like 
to never hear them

we learn lessons about forgiveness
about forgiving ourselves our own faults
and forgiving those who hurt us most
so that we can move on and heal

we learn how very fragile
we all are
and how elusive
happiness really is

and then we push on again
doing our best
to find happiness
without having to say, "I'm sorry"

knowing that we are human
and so very flawed
and that it will one day be necessary
to say those words again

I work to put as many days as possible
between those instances
working harder at getting stronger
at being the best me possible

and in the meantime, I say it yet again
for a time when I didn't make the best choices
for hurting you, and me, and others
"I'm sorry"

Saturday, May 26, 2012


brilliance flashes
souls speaking to souls
of creation
as the world begins again

each conversation
a moment of suspension
where time
is only a concept
and art the ideal

the words transform
as the sparks ignite
the conflagration consumes
all within the sphere
of community

collective imagination
burning brighter
than the individual flames
as the spark jumps
from one to the next

words and music
line and design
I see you all in colors
bright flames leaping higher

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Making Memories

Is it reminiscing if you are alone?
Or, do you need an audience
to tell those stories to?
And does it count 
when the memories
are not so very old?

I look back on the reminders,
of you and us;
words written in joy and tears,
written every time 
I think of you
and all you mean to me.

There are no bad memories
unless you count the sorrow
of separation.
I read the words you've written to me
and the ones I've written to you 
and I smile.

I am filled with hope
for all that is in my future.
The memories don't make me look back in longing;
they teach me to look forward 
to finding love some day.
You have taught me this.

We will continue to make memories together,
encouraging each other to be our best.
You are my rock, my best friend.
So as I fondly look back on these memories
I also look forward 
to the ones we have yet to make.


To attempt to convey
Feelings and emotions
In ways that make sense
Is the goal of the poet
And writer
These poor deluded folks
Who think such an impossible feat
Is even remotely possible
And then turn themselves
Inside out with
And attempt after attempt
Are to be pitied
For the hopeless romantics they are
And if by some miracle
They manage to get it right
And find the elusive words
And string them together
In such a way as to
Allow someone to finally
Have a clearer understanding
Of the workings of human emotions
Of love and lust
Hatred, desire, despair
Sadness, depression
Jubilation, triumph
Or even simple happiness
How will they know
From six feet under?

Saturday, May 19, 2012


at one time or another
another heartache suffered
pain unintentionally inflicted
is the most gut-wrenching pain of all

no frontal assault, no violence
quick pain shocks emotions
his noncommittal indifference
soul shattering knife attack

words in the wind no love lost here
cold winter wind cunt lying in wait
sirens song twines round his soul
lover lost teased from my embrace

hidden deception hidden motive
even the truth from future actions
as they become past proofs
eludes intellectual pursuits

the ease between lovers and friends
is not so easy now
when my love is not mine
rather friends at arms length

the distance between sharp
and flat is the universe
the unseeing of his eyes
the ignorance of a lifetime

calling attention to opportunistic deception
deemed unworthy, unseemly, Sssshhh.
tolerating evil's betrayal painlessly
so much easier than fighting for truth

defeated I hang my head
wondering why he can't see
 the blood trail that winds
from my heart to the knife in her hand.


I can feel the excitement building
it's a palpable thing
slowly, steadily
each day taking a deep breath
gets just a little bit harder

I can't wait to see them all
to see you
friends who know me
and understand me
and love me anyway

friends who celebrate quirkiness
and creativity
who know that an unfinished project
is not a sign of laziness
but that a louder muse called

to be hugged and held
and yes, even kissed
to let out that breath
that I've been holding
for almost a year now

but with all the excitement
there is also fear
old issues I get closer to being past each year
new issues that come with all of the changes
of this new life

they sneak up on me
in that instant just after
they are cold hands
sliding over my skin
trying to pull me down

your warmth and love
chase them away
the same way you've helped me
chase all the other fears away
these past few years

so when the fear sneaks in
I will think of you
and be excited for the joy
of being able to spend a few days
basking in all that is you

I will give myself permission
to relax and be me
knowing it's okay 
and I'll enjoy this excitement
that builds on my way to you

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I live inside myself
My view of the world
Is comprised mainly of what I see
My experiences
And what I know
I am small
And insignificant
And sometimes my view
Is equally small
There is a much larger world out there
One I may not have experienced
But one I am aware of
Where my biggest fear
Would be a blessing
To someone else
Those things I struggle with
Would be good fortune
I need to remember
That we all have problems
Fears and situations that we must overcome
And rise above
And that in the big picture
I am so very fortunate
I have been blessed
In so many, many ways
So each day I remind myself
To keep things in perspective
To say thank you to the universe
And thank you to you

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


If you have kids you know that they love to hear stories of things they did that they were too young to remember. Those stories that you pull out and retell every so often (maybe with more embellishment as the years pass, maybe not).

Jake and I had one of those moments tonight. No, it wasn't the story about how he squirted a stream of poo 3 feet like a mini fire hose gone awry; so you'll be spared that one (unlike me who had to live through it in the first place and is still haunted by it in nightmares). No, tonight was the Squirrel story.

When Jake was 3 we got Jaspurr. Jaspurr's original name was Earl Grey and his nickname had been Earl the Squirrel. After a week or so we renamed him Jaspurr because he purrs like a truck and that was the one name he answered to.

So, Jaspurr was sitting on the window sill minding his own business when Jake points at him and shouts, "Squirrel". I calmly explained that no, he is a kitty cat. Jake seemed to think this was funny and again pointed at the cat and proclaimed him to be a Squirrel. I laughed and explained that his old name was Earl the Squirrel but to us he's Jaspurr and Jaspurr is in fact a kitty cat.

I don't know how long we went around on this issue. But Jake was adamant that the creature sitting on the windowsill was a Squirrel and nothing was gonna persuade him otherwise.

Finally, I looked out the window and saw one of the 15 million squirrels that lived in our back yard and in triumph pointed out the window and said, "Look, Jake! THERE's a Squirrel" thinking for sure I was going to make my point.

Jake looked at me and in a quiet voice just on the edge of laughter and with a gleem in his eye, looked at me and quietly said, "Kitty". Then burst out into laughter.

My shoulders slumped and I hung my head. I had been had. By a smart-ass 3 year old. Then we both laughed until it hurt.

I had no idea a 3 yo could have such impeccable comedic timing. Damn kids..

So, we told that story at bed time again tonight and laughed again at the little imp who pulled one over on his Mom. The retelling sounds a lot like an odd version of the game Duck-Duck-Goose.

Monday, May 14, 2012


One of the things I realized today
Is that it's possible
To miss the idea of a person
More than the person themself

Memory is a selective
And fickle thing
Some people are blessed
With only remembering the good times

Some are cursed
With just the bad
And some of us
Have a little of each

There are things I miss
That I missed
Even when we were still together
So that's a different kind of pain

Those are things
That went to the top of the list
Of things I want and need
In my life again

My memory is faulty
That is a big part of
Why I hold on to things
Seemingly useless things

And now, as I get rid of
More and more of those things
It feels like I'm also
Getting rid of the memories

And I wonder
If that's a good thing
Or a bad thing
Or just the way it goes

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

I Have

I didn't know what kind of
insane amount of stress
I was carrying around with me,
letting myself be subjected to,
each and every moment
of every day,
until the day I realized
that I wasn't any more.
It felt (cliche as it is)
like a weight had been lifted.
And when I felt the stress returning,
being pushed in my direction,
I took a deep breath.
This breath that was so much bigger
than any other from the recent past
that I could feel the air flowing down,
all the way down to my toes,
swirling through my whole body.
And I laughed.
I laughed at the cause of my stress,
and its impotence.
I laughed at the joy of knowing
it doesn't own me any more.
So many lessons in life are hard.
This one was easy.
I have the strength
and the power
to chose my stress level,
to chose to be happy,
to chose to be me.
And I have.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Balticon is Coming

Balticon is still around a couple of corners. But now is when time seems to finally start to speed up after dragging on for an entire year.  Poetry hasn't been at the forefront of my brain lately.  I have this other thing I do...dyeing yarn...and Balticon is a really special time for me in that regard.  

Two years ago when I went to my first Balticon and started meeting so many amazing people face-to-face for the first time I wanted a way to bridge my two passions, yarn and writing. So, the first Balticon yarns started off  as my way of interpreting entire genres (erotica, fantasy, science fiction, horror) and the idea gradually morphed into what it is today...I get my inspiration for the Limited Edition colorways from specific artists and pieces of work, usually podcasts or books, sometimes websites or blogs.

Limited Edition means that except for the one small batch (6 skeins) these colorways will not be repeated.  So, they are unique in that they are my way of representing another artist's work in a completely different medium and that they are only available for a very short time (the 10 days to 2 weeks leading up to Balticon (Memorial Day weekend), and in a very limited quantity.

They are a way for yarnaholics who are fans of these other artists and their work to express it with their own creation of something uniquely them.  I view my place in the creative process as being an intermediary between the art that inspired me and then someone else using my creation to create something of their own.

A lot of work goes into dyeing as many skeins as are necessary in a very short time.  Right now, I have 5 of this year's 7 colorways dyed.  The first two are dry and reskeined.  Two still haven't been dyed yet, and the other 3 are still drying from their time in the bath.  Besides the actual dyeing process, there are swatches to knit, lots of pictures to take, blog posts to do, labels to print, skeins to be reskeined, and this year there's also an audio promo to put together.

Yep, an audio promo.  To get the word out about these yarns that were inspired by podcasts to the very podcast audiences who might just want to buy them.  Hey, I'm finally learning a thing or two about promotion from social media.  So, I've added a little more work to my already very full plate.  Oh, well, what's a few more tasks?

Tonight I found my mic and I wrote the copy.  I'm not sure it will fit in the time available yet, but some time in the next night or two I'll find out when I go to record it.  A good friend who is a genius when it comes to all things audio is going to give me a hand and do the editing end of it for me.  Yeah, yeah, I know I need to learn that stuff at some point.  Now just isn't that particular time.  One of these days.  Meanwhile, I've already talked to a number of podcasting friends who will run it for me as soon as we get it done.

I'm so excited!  This is my favorite time of the year.  It's better than Christmas, my birthday, and/or any and all other special days all rolled together.  I'll be putting up posts on each of the colorways starting in the next few days over at Dyed Bright Here.  In the meantime, I need to get back to work.  See ya soon.

Dreaming In Color

Dreaming in color
Living in a black and white
World of irony

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Time to Get Out of Bed

Laying in bed on a quiet Sunday morning
Completely at peace
Trying to puzzle out
How to write what I need to say
To expose myself
And my actions
That were so wrong
And yet, so right

Tears streaming down my face
That I brush aside
Only when they impede
My ability to write
Tears of frustration
Not grief
Because to write about
My moment of impasse
And the men who helped me
Gain the strength to deal with it
By loving me, supporting me,
Telling me I could do anything
If I only believe, trust myself
Have faith in myself and my abilities
Oh, and work my ass off
Would only cause those I love
The same pain I've just come through

So, instead of staying here
Frustrated with my inability
To convey in words
The truth I and they already know
I guess I'll just get on
With the working my ass off part
And enjoy the fact
That my moment of impasse
Is no longer in front of me
But is now in the rearview mirror
And getting smaller by the day

Friday, May 04, 2012


The summer wind blows in
Gently pushing the clouds
Heavy with the summer rains
Into our awareness

Forward guards
of the advancing army
Mercilessly marching towards us
Threatening the peaceful Spring

They will take us prisoner, hold us hostage
In their humidity, caged in cumulus
Until a truce is called
In October.

Thursday, May 03, 2012


Death, it's narrow gaze
Does confer such loss
As heaven and hell
Proclaim in unison
The least of all
Shall abide such sorrow
In waves of tears
Poured out to wash
The miracle of life
Gently down the gutter

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

To the Writer:

To the writer:
You spend long hours
with your words.
The odds of you
ever making a living
doing what you love
are longer than
your next novel.
But you need to know
that you have touched me
with your words.
And that even if
you never make
the NYT best seller list
you have made a difference.
Your words 
and your characters
are a part of me now;
a part of others too.
So, if you ever get discouraged
please remember this

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The Pendulum

The pendulum swings
Similarly to karma
You time is coming

Monday, April 30, 2012

To Celebrate the Passing of Another April

It was one for the record books
Wet as usual
But more from tears
Than showers
I finally forgot
To mark the passing
Of that fateful day
And instead
Made a new milestone
As I began the creation a new home
I ended the month
In anticipation of the bright flowers to come
By creating my own colors
To celebrate the passing of another April
In poetry, and yarn, and love.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

A Perfect Day

I saw a group of men today
They weren't terribly old
But definitely past teenage angst
Playing ball in the park

They were all colors
From pink and tan
To brown and black
A beautiful rainbow of complexions

They laughed and joked
Elbowing each other not as part of the game
But as part of the fun
Of just being together

Their game didn't seem
To have many rules
Didn't really seem to be much
Of an actual game at all

Sometimes they were all engaged
And at others they seemed
To be just hanging out
Or catching their breath

All the while they smiled
They talked and laughed
And all I could think
Was what a perfect day it was

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Soft Silk

Soft silk surrounds me
Swaddled in my own cocoon
Drifting off to sleep

Friday, April 27, 2012

There Was a Time

There was a time when I was sorry.
There was a time when I was ashamed.
There were days when I was depressed
and days when I didn't know my own name.

I've given up those feelings;
the ones that cause me pain.
I've given up on lots of things
including you accepting any blame.

So, while there was a time;
that time has now past.
I'm done with negative emotions.
I know those lessons will last.

It's time to focus on the good things;
time for me to find my bliss.
Time to experience happiness
and being hugged, and held, and kissed.

35 Posts and counting...

When I decided to post a poem a day for National Poetry Month I never imagined I would have 35 posts up by April 27th.  Posting once a day isn't really that difficult when it's only a poem. Well, at least not for me.  Though, I have to admit there were a few days where I was less than inspired.  You can tell those days by the single short entries.  Meanwhile, there were a few where I was inspired and either wrote longer pieces, or multiple entries.  

I tend to have big ideas and good intentions and crappy follow-through. So, I'm proud of myself for not wimping out and missing any days. And, yes, I know the month isn't quite over yet; but at this point I have enough faith in myself to know I'll finish it out with a poem each day.

I'm glad I did this...I'd like to continue it as long as I can. It's become a pretty cool habit. Anyway, thank you to everyone who has read any of all of these this month.  If anything strikes you in any way, I'd love your feedback (good, bad, or indifferent). Hearing people's thoughts on my writing helps me improve, and makes it all worthwhile.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Reach for You

When the world is grey
rain falling down all around
and I can't hold back the tears
I reach for you

When the sun is shining
Bright colors blooming loud
And joy is in my soul
I reach for you

You are my comfort
When I'm lonely or in pain
You are my co-conspirator
When we're dreaming our biggest dreams

You have given me friendship and love
Courage and conviction
Kept me centered, sane, and alive
So I will always reach for you


Sometimes people make me sad
or frustrated
or angry
Often I shake my head
at the things people do
Occasionally my soul hurts
from the senseless acts
of so few who hurt so many
But more than anything else
people lift me up
they make me smile
tickle giggles
and make me laugh

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Ticking watch
Give a dog a bone

Lemon cream
Tangerine dream
Bill Bailey's coming home

Perfect lives
Someone lies
Mysteries unfold

Watch the clock
It's all a crock
The secrets have been told

Count to ten
And then again
How the words they rhyme

The witch has won
It's all been done
And in the nick of time

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

New Day

Softly chirping birds
Golden glow from sun's first light
A joyous new day

Monday, April 23, 2012

I Love What You Do

I love what you do
To my body, my spirits
When you say my name.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Biologically, a parent
is always a parent
and your child
is always your child

But there comes a time
when the child
becomes an adult
and the relationship changes

I am so glad that
over the years
we have always been friends
and that hasn't changed

What has changed
is that now 
you are an adult too
and you're still my best friend

I have talked to you
since before you were born
We've laughed at little kid things
and now grown up stuff too

We've had some rough times
but we've come through them just fine
You are a great kid
and I'm glad you're my friend.

Saturday, April 21, 2012


Every muscle in my body
But in that pain
There is the satisfaction
Of accomplishment

Friday, April 20, 2012


There is a moment in time
between nothing and something
when something's gotta give.
It may only be a heartbeat,
or the time it takes
to walk away
from your heart's desire.
But there comes a point
when the time for talking
has finally passed
and the only thing left
to do is...something.
But what that something is
can only be decided
in that brief moment
of impasse...

This poem was inspired by the synopsis of a movie by the same name. The screenplay was written by Jeanne Veillete Bowerman @Jeannevb (you can read about it on her website and it will be directed by Michael Bekemeyer @Bekemeyer.

This movie is a KickStarter project. Please check it out (AND CONTRIBUTE)!! 

When I read the synopsis I was moved to tears. I know that moment of impasse all too well. I knew in that moment that I had to do whatever I could to help Mike and Jeanne get this movie made. I don't have much spare cash these days, but they don't need a lot from any one person...they just need a big 'ole bunch of us to skip a latte or two and help get the word out. So, that's what I'm doing.
Check it out. If it moves you even a little bit, please consider donating. Even $1 counts. If you have a website or blog or facebook, G+ or twitter account follow these two wonderful, creative individuals and help spread the word.

Thank you.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


I see your false smile,
the one you wear
when you perform
for the kiddies and their parents

It sends a shiver
up my arms,
up my spine,
to the base of my skull.

The corners of your mouth are tight;
there is no smile
in your eyes.
You can't pretend there.

I know the clown
behind the fake smile
and that's why
I left the circus

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


I found religion
and promptly lost it again.
Now I don't know
what to believe
beyond you and me.

And even there I still don't know.
Those times we've been together
are the closest thing
to an old fashioned revival meeting
this side of Dixie.

Calling out to God,
Praise the Lord,
and Hallelujah too.
Promising anything,
anything to feel the rapture.

I may not know what I believe
When it comes to God
and the almighty;
But Baby, I sure as hell know
that I believe in you.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Lollipop Kisses

If the sky was round
Instead of folded
And lollipop kisses
Were passed out as wishes
I would carress your soul
With a peacock's wing
And we would dance
From here to forever.

Faults and All

Every day I understand myself
a little bit more.
I am learning my strengths
and weaknesses,
and how to improve on both
while accepting that I am perfect
exactly as I am
faults and all.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Solitary Thief

I know he's out there
A solitary thief in the night
The man who will one day
Steal my heart

Just Indifference

Just indifference
No emotions left for you
You're not worth hating

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sleep is Hard to Find

Sleep is hard to find
When it's you I crave instead
In my bed with me.

I Love You, Baby

I love you, Baby
That's all I need to tell you
Each and every day.

Slowly Killing Your Soul

One day you will be found out
All your secrets set free
To fly unfettered
In ways you never could

Will you be the one to release them
Or will they escape on their own?
Will they break the chains
That have held them in your past?

Every day you get a little older
Does the pain fade for you?
Or is it still knife sharp
Somewhere deep inside?

Your secrets aren't that remarkable
To anyone except you anymore
Maybe someday you'll finally be free
Of your own drama and demons

And in the meantime I will know
All the darkness in your soul
All your secrets and your shame
None of which I am to blame

So until you are found out
Hold tight to all your fears
Let the venom take hold
Slowly killing your soul.

Soft Kisses

Soft kisses my love
Sweet dreams to last the whole night
Awaken to joy

Yankee Doodle 1984--2012

Yankee Doodle

It's been a lifetime since Dan and I had adventures together, but I'll never forget him. He had a heart of gold, an amazing spirit, a snarky attitude, and an unforgettable personality. He was a pampered pet who lived a long and lazy existence full of love and peppermints.  He will be missed.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Don't Look Down

Standing out on the ledge
shaking from fear
and nervous energy
goosebumps crawling
over my flesh.
I'm cold,
I'm hot,
I'm scared and excited too.

I hear your voice in my head,
in my heart,
telling me to believe in myself
because you belive in me.
Deep breaths.
I calm and center myself.

Then I look down.
And the bottom falls out of my stomach,
and I'm afraid my heart will explode
at the jackhammer pace it's going,
and I'm cold,
and hot again,
and my skin is so wet from sweat
I'm afraid I'm gonna slide off the ledge,

"STOP!" you say
And I do.
And we wait for my pulse to quiet.
And I'm back to taking deep breaths.
I stretch out these wings that you have given me.

Mine were broken.
You patched me back together
like a broken doll
that needed mending
and some TLC.

They are whole again.
I am whole again.
These wings are strong
they are your gift to me

The air is soft and warm
so seldom has it felt soft
usually it is harsh.
Unless I'm with you.

But today,
here on this ledge,
it feels different.
You and I are different.

"This time, don't look down"
I hear you say.
"Don't ever look down again.
You can do this.
There's nothing holding you back."

And as you say this
I feel the chains drop
from my aching frame,
from my soul.

I lift these wings,
that are your gift,
and with a gentle push
I am free to soar.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Online Friends

If we should someday pass each other
On the street or who knows where
We wouldn't even recognise the other
Since our avitars are not ourselves
Me, with my swirled yarn
Rainbow colors of Childhood
You, with a changing kalidascope of images
None of them really, completely you
But I know you in my heart
Know you in my head
We've talked for years
Shared those moments of
"Oh, shit!" And "Oh, wow!"
Silly jokes and quotes
Pushed and prodded and
Applauded and hugged each other
Because that's what friends do
They forgive the unintended
And remember the purposeful
You have been and done those things
For me in so many ways
I hope I've done them for you
People who don't get it never will
And I no longer try to explain
How online friends are so special
because first and foremost
They are friends.
And you can never have too many of those.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Believe in Possibilities

I am the passion of purple with a bow of pink
wrapped up in my own insecurities
waiting to be opened by you
I don't just think smart is sexy
I know this to be a universal truth
the same way art is beauty
I dance to the proverbial drummer
In my kitchen alone at night
naked but for my joy
I am searching for my truth
in words, colors, texture and sound
I believe in possibilities
of love and luck and me
and maybe you.

Lollipop Dreams

Tightroping between yesterday and tomorrow
Don't look down!
Waterfall of doubts
Lulling me to sleep
With the white noise of failure
If I can keep them in the past
I'll wake to sunshine

Lollipop dreams
Swirl the pretty colours
Bend over
Shove this damn stick somewhere else
Details are sticky
When it's time to play
Candyland in your head
In the dark

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Every Day

Every day without fail
I am grateful
for everything you have done
everything you are to me
for you.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tired Beyond Words

Tired beyond words
Beyond any emotions
I'm calling in dead

Monday, April 09, 2012

Positive Reaffirmations

Happiness and joy are mine
as I relax, stress-free
I am reaping the rewards
of my hard work and creativity
And beauty, love, and peace
Surround me every day

These are the words I need to say
To myself every day
Positive reaffirmations
Putting the thoughts I want to be true
out into the world
so that they can be made real

This doesn't take any of the responsibility
of working hard
off of my shoulders
It's just so much better
to put forth the positive
rather than the alternative

So I'm doing my best
to keep the nasty, negative thoughts
locked up tight away from the world
Faking it till I make it as some say
while I work to make it true

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Let Me Go in Peace

When I say that I know
That you are out there
Somewhere for me
I also mean You
I think
Or maybe not
You see the thing is
I really don't know
I want to
To be certain must bring
A particular kind of peace
A knowing
A certainty
We already live in such
An uncertain world
But when I look at
All of the evil, terrible things
That humans have done
To other humans
To animals
To the world in general
And think about all the creatures
Who have died horrible deaths
Billions over the course of time
So many in the name of
I have a very hard time
That this thing
Or person-like entity
That you call 'God'
By so many names
I think we're all just scared
That this is all there is
When we see things
All around us
In the beauty of the world
Mathematical coincidences
That couldn't possibly be
Things we can't
Or couldn't before
Explain without magic
And we want so much
For others to behave like us
Because that which we can't understand
Must be wrong
We want to scare each other
Tempt each other
Tease and coerce each other
Into being the same
Into doing what we think is right
Because our loving god
Our vengefull god
Our whatever version of god
Demands it
When really it's okay
To not understand things
It's okay to search for the answers
Without using a crutch
To explain away the unknown
To kill one another in our own names
Makes so much more sense
Than to blame a greater unknown
And the idea of loving
One another
Doesn't need to come from on high
I doubt my searching
Will yield any definitive results
And I'm okay with not believing
In any of your
Particular Truths
I'll go on letting you
Have your beliefs
I just wish you could allow me
To not have mine
I understand you truly believe
And that's fine by me
But why do you care
That I don't?
How does what I do or don't believe
Affect you?
That's my biggest rub with religion
If you are so secure
In your beliefs
And I'm going to hell
Than, for god's sake,
Yours or his or hers
Or somebody's
Let me go in peace.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Forever In Your Heart

Soft as velvet, her supple skin
You can't help touching her
The graceful curve of her hips
The small of her back
The way she moves, teasing you
Even as you try to ignore her
The sound of her voice
When she is in your arms
Thrills you more
Than word can explain
She is in your blood
Forever in your heart
As you are in hers

Friday, April 06, 2012

Hands of Time

The hands of time tick round
Still no sign of you
I know you're out there somewhere
Trying to get through

Each day I check for signs
That you might finally be here
Will I feel your presence
When you are near?

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Tell Me

Tell me your secrets
My lover
My friend
Whisper to me
In the dark

Tell me your desires
Your needs
Your dreams
Curled up close
In each others arms

Tell me your hopes
Your goals
Your fears
So that I may
Encourage and protect you

Tell me my friend
And I'll tell you
All of mine too
For that is the meaning
Of friendship and love

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

One of Those Days

Most days I'm so much happier
not being in a relationship.
Well, let me rephrase that.
I have lots of relationships
and I'm in them
It's more like not being
in a romantic one
that's here and now
instead of across time and distance;
not being part of a pair.

I've grown to appreciate
that being alone
doesn't mean being lonely.

I like not having to ask permission
of anyone else
'cause for me that's what
a relationship has meant
for so long

Most days
I'm happy just being me.
today isn't one of those days;
and, I'd give anything
to be in your arms right now.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Every Time I Dance

Every note
Each word and rhythm
Makes me think of you
Pop songs, rock
Eclectic, electric
Blues and jazz too

I had lost the ability
To hear the music
Through the pain
You held me gently
So patient and kind
Until I was whole again

Now every song
Reminds me of you
Every lyric your name
From a soulful melody
To a thumping bass
They're really all the same

You are my joy
My sorrow and salvation
My everything, my chance
At a happy life again
So I fondly think of you
Every time I dance.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Starting Over

I think I remember a time 
when life wasn't quite so complicated;
but I'm not really sure.
It's all been such a blur.
I've passed so many milestones:
school, kids, family, 
and yet it feels like I'm starting over.
And, in many ways, I am.
I have so many things I want to do,
NEED to do yet;
but, so often, what I want,
what I need,
doesn't come first.
But as the children grow
I am slowly, patiently
gaining more time for me.
Now, the complication isn't
IF I can follow my dreams
but WHICH dream to follow first.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Her Fantasy

High heels and stockings with a seam
Click clack teasing as she saunters by
Flirty ruffled hem dancing against her skin
Where you wish your fingers could be

Your pulse is doing double time
With the thumping bass
Her hips punctuate the down beat
As she struts by--indifferent to you

You see her sneak a glance in your direction
But you play along and look away
She throws back her head, arches her neck
Laughing as she shakes out her mane

You play it cool pretending you don't know her
Pretending her hair wasn't wrapped around your fist
That her long slender torso wasn't arched beneath you earlier
That the sight of her doesn't make your blood race

This is her fantasy, her request
To be strangers again
To tantalize and tease you from afar
Knowing you'll do anything to make her dreams come true

Friday, March 30, 2012


I remember when the world
Seemed so very big
I tipped my head back
To look so far up
Everything I did
For words of approval

I got bigger
And the world got smaller
Still I longed to be told
That someone
Was proud of me

Different people came and went
Teachers and bosses
Who mattered little
In comparison to family
But at least they told me

I like to think that everything
No matter how devastating
Or painful
Can have a positive effect
If only you look
For the good

So while I've given up hope
Of hearing that others
Are proud of me
I've learned to tell myself
To tell that little girl
That she's done something right

And more importantly
I make damn sure
That when my little boys look up
For that validation
I tell them how very proud I am
No matter how big they get

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Crazy Talk

Some of my plans are practical
Some seem half insane
Crazy talk I call them
While I continue planning

The difference between
Today and yesterday
Is that yesterday
I was too afraid to plan

Living with fear and stress
Is an excellent way
To keep your self from dreaming
And from doing too

When the fear was overcome
And the stress vanquished
Dreams, ideas, and goals
Came flooding in to take their place

All of my wonderfully crazy ideas
Had been waiting patiently
For me to find my voice
And start talkin' crazy

And now that crazy talk
Is slowly taking shape
Into crazy ideas and concrete plans
Not so crazy now

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'm Numb

I'm numb
After all the anger
All the rage
There is no happiness
Only exhaustion
And relief
And an overwhelming sense of numbness

When all is said and done
Nothing gets said
Of your temper
Or my affair
And it all comes down to numbers
Who owes whom what

We separate all of the things
Share the kids
And move numbers back and forth
From column to column
Until we're equally unhappy
And able to live
With the results

I never understood
And I guess no one else ever will either
Unless they've been through it too
How completely
Soul-suckingly awful
A divorce could be
Until I went through it myself

I've been sad
And depressed
For so long
That I'm finally giving myself permission
To feel something else now
I'd like to feel happy
But all I can manage is numb

Monday, March 26, 2012

While I Wait for You

I am my worst nightmare
And my most exciting dream
Forever jumbled together
Never do they seam

All my future tomorrows
Changed forever by my past
If I focus first on today
I might just make them last

I hear your voice across the distance
Softly in my ear
I wish there was more that I could do
To forever bring you near

But this jumbled mess of me
Is destined to be alone
The best you can do to untangle me
Is whisper through the phone

I've been in your arms before
And know I will be again
No matter how long that takes
I don't want any other men

I'd rather come to terms with
And chase down my own desires
Than figure out how to explain it all
While fanning other fires

If someday someone comes along
Who can see me in all my tangled mess
And understand and accept me as I am
I will gladly tell them yes

And in the meantime I am content
To follow dreams old and new
Pushing myself to dream bigger
While I wait for you

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hot Sax

Strong hands slowly trace
my patience away
Moving to the rhythm
Of my desire
Teasing motion from
Hips with no shame
Until I growl in your ear
Like a pack-a-day blues singer
Chasing after the high note
One step at a time
Sax playing
Bass thumping
Syncopated punctuation
Intimate conversation
Trailing off in a chorus
Of sweat
And panted breath
As you take mine away
With your timing
And flawless performance
That leaves me begging for more

To Live

To live is to dream
Of happiness and success
Unthinkable achievements
Everything begins somewhere
What better place
Than in your dreams

To live is to laugh
Deep and hearty and strong
Laugh lines are the marks
Of a well lived life
See the funny in everything
Especially in yourself

To live is to learn
Something new each day
Challenge yourself and others
To improve, to question, to grow
New skills start as questions
What ifs and what's next

To live is to grow
Stronger each day
Stand tall and proud
And believe in yourself
If you don't, how can anyone else
You can make a difference

To live is to do
Old and new things
Something every day
Push boundaries, stretch minds
Challenge yourself to do more
Find your passions and pursue them

To live is to love
Starting with yourself
You are so special
You deserve nothing less
Life is far too short
To spend a moment without love

So dream your biggest dreams
Keep smiling
Keep pushing onward and upwards
To new and bigger things
But most importantly
Remember you are loved

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Children

The children are listening
To your words, your sounds
They hear what you aren't saying
As much as what you are
They hear your moods
Even when you don't know what they are

The children are watching
The world and all its craziness
The violence and destruction
The big people who act so small
They see it all and try to make sense of it
Even when it makes none

Where are your words?
When are your actions?
How are the children supposed to understand
When you and I are as lost as them?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Let Down

I've been let down easy
And let down hard
I don't mind
And I don't blame
I'm learning to re-evaluate my expectations
And they're no longer great
Maybe it is a little sad
To not expect love in your life
But maybe it's a happier existence
Than to constantly hope
Only to be let down

if I pretend to believe

if I pretend to believe
cause I'm pretty sure I don't anymore
that love is still possible
love that is possible in the first place
cause I've found plenty of love
it's just not possible
as my loves already have other loves
and I am a distant second
or even a far-off third
so they really aren't possible at all
is there the slimmest of chances
that it will find me
even though I've just about given up
on finding it myself
or will it give up on me too
the way I've given up on it
and then maybe the whole thing
will be called on account of rain

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My Apathy is Boundless

my apathy is boundless
constant struggle to find meaning
when I am certain there is none
am I kidding myself?
can I do this? any of it?

and even if I can
is that all I can do?
I'm not sure the big picture
is much bigger than that

so many ideas
so many dreams
constantly fighting the urge
to start something else new
when there's already so much begun

time and the heretofore mentioned apathy
are my enemies
that is until you factor in laziness
and the ever present
artist dancing daydreaming

if I try to remember
and yes, I said, 'try'
because I've given up on promises
to take one idea, one dream at a time
can I do it? is that enough?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sign The Petition

There is a documentary called "Bully" that should be shown to every kid in high school in the US. Personally, I think it should be shown to every kid over the age of 10. Regardless, as it stands right now, this film can't be shown in any schools because the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) gave this film an R rating because of strong language. The very same language used by kids is what could keep them from seeing this film.

Please sign this petition asking the MPAA to change the rating for "Bully" to a PG-13 one so that it can be shown in schools where hopefully of can do some good.

Why Hate?

Why hate?
Why push someone else down
to lift yourself up?
Is there no other way for you?
Would it be so fucking funny
If you were the one being pointed at?
Shoved to the ground?
Stepped on?
Can you learn?
Or is it too late for you
to see the error of your ways?
What can we do to teach you?
Or are you simply incapable
of feeling empathy
putting yourself in others' shoes?
I feel so sorry for you.
I can only wonder at you
at how empty your life must be.
We will help and hold
and do everything in our power
to help your victim
to support the innocent
to make sure they understand
they are perfect exactly as they are.
You, however, are not.
And that's the saddest thing of all.


A single word can't hurt anyone
Can it?
What about when it's spoken
to a child?
Words like faggot
What new words will bullies
of all ages
come up with next
to say to some poor soul
who had done nothing to anyone
(nothing except try to live their life
figure out who and what they are
their purpose in this life)
all to make themselves feel better
about their own pathetic life?
Since you and I
are smart enough to know
to understand
that there is power in every single, little word
let's us
you and I
use one in return; 

She Is

Spine straight, chin defiant
This woman will stand her ground
She will bleed for her babies
And so will you if you cross her
What needs done she will do
She is a mother
Spine curled, lip trembling
This little girl is scarred
She will cry in your arms
Head buried in your chest
Desperate to be protected by you
She is a child
Spine arching, mouth open in a moan
This goddess is ecstasy
She will come for you
Giving and taking pleasure
You belong to each other, body and soul
She is a lover
She is all of these things
And more
This creature is contradictions
She is confusion and conviction
But most importantly
She is yours

Sunday, March 18, 2012


I have lists a mile long
My lists have lists
Broken down by category
And sub-category

Bills and more bills
Necessary evils like taxes
And cleaning
Always cleaning

Then there's the lists for wishful thinking
That serve no purpose
Other than to keep me from screaming
And help distract
An already distracted mind
From the lists that matter

There are days
Let's face it; hours and moments really
When the lists don't motivate
They depress
And when that happens
My apathy becomes palpable

I know that when I fight the desire
To curl up in a ball
And hide from the world
Three more things are adding themselves
To a list somewhere.

I can hear them
Taunting me
Daring me to cross them off
Wipe them out of existence

Meh, maybe tomorrow

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Each person is unique
And we see the world
From our own perspective
But what we often forget
Is that in so many ways
We are really the same

We all have fears
And doubts
And baggage we carry around
With us every step of every day

We all struggle with inner demons
We hear the voices
Of our inner child
Wanting to be included
To be loved
And of our worst critic
Telling us our faults
Telling us we are not worthy of love

We all want success
In whatever roles we have chosen
Artist, parent, child
Spouse, lover, businessperson
Humanitarian, and the list goes on

How do we know
When we have accomplished our goals?
What do we attain to quell these fears?
How do we even begin
To go about these things?

The answers are friends
And the sharing of these things
Realizing that no matter what our circumstances
We have common desires
And fears

And when we bring our experiences
Along with our fears and hopes and dreams
And put them out in the open
Amongst friends

Then our individuality
Can shine in our shared experience
And we will each succeed
When supported by the others

Friday, March 16, 2012

Her Sharpened Claws

Her sharpened claws
Rake repeatedly along his flesh
Not doing any damage
But leaving red welts
As she plays with her food

A Soft Breeze Tickles

A soft breeze tickles
Gently carressing my cheek
And I think of you

Thursday, March 15, 2012


I suffer from insomnia
I've tried warm milk 
that reminds me of my great, great aunt
and how she made that for me when I was a little girl

I've tried sleeping pills
not the kinds that come with the warnings
that you may do things in your sleep
you wouldn't normally drive
but the kind that are the PM in Tylenol PM
run-of-the-mill Benadryl

I've tried having a beer
I can't even say, "or two"
cause I never get past the first one
but even a drink doesn't do the trick for me

I toss and turn
it's one thing or another
I wake up sweating and then I'm freezing
but the answer is not the thermostat
or the bedding, or my nightclothes, or lack thereof
it doesn't matter what tricks or remedies I try

The thing I need to sleep through the night
is you pressed up against me
an arm over me, around me, holding me
to be sated and spent by you

So, to say I suffer from insomnia
is really to say I miss you
so very, very much
and sleeping without you 
just doesn't seem worth the effort

Monday, March 12, 2012

Joyously Celebrating

When you came into my life
I awoke from a long slumber
I had been world weary
For so long
Soul tired and uninspired
In a misty grey fog
You lifted the veil
That hung in front of me
Kissed away the apathy
Held me in your arms
And made love to me
Until my heart sang
With you I made a discovery
I found the woman
I was meant to be
Full of hope and joy
Laughter and love
I found my voice
Now the words flow out
In rivers and torrents
Passions promise unleashed
In syllables and sounds
Lifting me soaring
As my words take flight
Spreading my wings
Arching skyward
Soaring as you touch me, take me
And the words flow out
Joyously celebrating life
And love.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


A doorway is
An introduction
An invitation
A building's business card

It welcomes you
Or not
What lies behind?

A simple opening
Guarding the interior
Hole in a wall

Decorated description
Of life and things within

May I come in?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dragon's Wing

Dragon's wing
orange and red
against a field of blue
dipping, soaring
engines roaring
bringing me to you

Friday, March 09, 2012


When all else fails you
Tea with toast and yummy jam
Will fix what ails you

Unless that tea is
So goddamn mother fucking
Hot it burns your mouth


I know of joys
Like touch and taste
Like feel
And cum
And kiss
But when those things are gone
All that's left are words

That let me spew my thoughts
My every desire
Words that let me cry my pain
In ways that don't involve
Loud bangs
Or hot lead

Words that you listen to
Without comment
Or concern
The only sound I hear
Besides the voices in my head
Are the echos of my words
Sine waving back at me

The mathematical representation
Of my every spoken word
Moving through space
To touch things
Not people

Emotionless wave
Surfing over time
It's all math
All numbers and science
All of my emotions
Come down to chemicals
Equations of happiness
Unsolved problems of pain
Of me

But to explain the science
We still need words
Not gods
Or figureheads
Just thoughts and feelings
Insufficiently expressed
In words


A Grand Canyon
Formed by time
And it's steady nature
The relentless wearing away
Of what was once stable ground
By the constant friction
Of a volatile source
Water slick and shiny
So smooth
Gently bubbling along
The force of its power
Its destructive capabilities
Only witnessed
In the aftermath
When the passage of time
Reveals the beauty exposed

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Thank You

When I thought I was at the bottom
you held me through the pain
gave me words
and music
set my soul free

And when I kept sinking
lower than I could imagine
you were the knot
at the end of my rope
that I held on to for dear life

A nervous cat had nothing on me
I trembled at the slightest sound
your voice calmed the storm
chased the demons
told me I would make it through

I believed in you
even when I didn't believe in me
you were always right
so smart, so strong
the answer to my questions

Now I'm so much stronger
no longer afraid
of what the future holds
and still I have the music
now I sing the words

I've let go of the pain
free to dance happily
you are always there for me
friends no matter what 
the future holds

Morning Wakes

Layers of fog
Kitten soft grey fuzz
Blanket the morning
Gently peeled away
By the rising sun.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

For Katie

Don't ever think 
or pretend 
that you don't have a heart. 
They are so fragile, 
and so easily hurt; 
but without one
you are nothing. 

Better to feel 
and suffer 
the occasional pain 
that comes from feeling 
than to never 
feel anything 
of any depth at all.