Impasse

There is a moment in time
between nothing and something
when something's gotta give.
It may only be a heartbeat,
or the time it takes
to walk away
from your heart's desire.
But there comes a point
when the time for talking
has finally passed
and the only thing left
to do is...something.
But what that something is
can only be decided
in that brief moment
of impasse...



This poem was inspired by the synopsis of a movie by the same name. The screenplay was written by Jeanne Veillete Bowerman @Jeannevb (you can read about it on her website and it will be directed by Michael Bekemeyer @Bekemeyer.


This movie is a KickStarter project. Please check it out (AND CONTRIBUTE)!! 


When I read the synopsis I was moved to tears. I know that moment of impasse all too well. I knew in that moment that I had to do whatever I could to help Mike and Jeanne get this movie made. I don't have much spare cash these days, but they don't need a lot from any one person...they just need a big 'ole bunch of us to skip a latte or two and help get the word out. So, that's what I'm doing.
Check it out. If it moves you even a little bit, please consider donating. Even $1 counts. If you have a website or blog or facebook, G+ or twitter account follow these two wonderful, creative individuals and help spread the word.

Thank you.

I Believe in Possibilities

I am the passion of purple with a bow of pink
wrapped up in my own insecurities
waiting to be opened by you
I don't just think smart is sexy
I know this to be a universal truth
the same way art is beauty
I dance to the proverbial drummer
In my kitchen alone at night
naked but for my joy
I am searching for my truth
in words, colors, texture and sound
I believe in possibilities
of love and luck and me
and maybe you.

One of Those Days

Most days I'm so much happier
not being in a relationship.
Well, let me rephrase that.
I have lots of relationships
and I'm in them
completely.
It's more like not being
in a romantic one
that's here and now
instead of across time and distance;
not being part of a pair.

I've grown to appreciate
that being alone
doesn't mean being lonely.

I like not having to ask permission
of anyone else
'cause for me that's what
a relationship has meant
for so long

Most days
I'm happy just being me.
Unfortunately,
today isn't one of those days;
and, I'd give anything
to be in your arms right now.

if I pretend to believe

if I pretend to believe

cause I'm pretty sure I don't anymore

that love is still possible

love that is possible in the first place

cause I've found plenty of love

it's just not possible

as my loves already have other loves

and I am a distant second

or even a far-off third

so they really aren't possible at all

is there the slimmest of chances

that it will find me

even though I've just about given up

on finding it myself

or will it give up on me too

the way I've given up on it

and then maybe the whole thing

will be called on account of rain

My Apathy is Boundless

my apathy is boundless

constant struggle to find meaning

when I am certain there is none

am I kidding myself?

can I do this? any of it?

and even if I can

survive

is that all I can do?

I'm not sure the big picture

is much bigger than that

so many ideas

so many dreams

constantly fighting the urge

to start something else new

when there's already so much begun

time and the heretofore mentioned apathy

are my enemies

that is until you factor in laziness

and the ever present

artist dancing daydreaming

if I try to remember

and yes, I said, 'try'

because I've given up on promises

to take one idea, one dream at a time

can I do it? is that enough?

Why Hate?

Why hate?

Why push someone else down

to lift yourself up?

Is there no other way for you?

Would it be so fucking funny

If you were the one being pointed at?

Shoved to the ground?

Stepped on?

Can you learn?

Or is it too late for you

to see the error of your ways?

What can we do to teach you?

Or are you simply incapable

of feeling empathy

putting yourself in others' shoes?

I feel so sorry for you.

I can only wonder at you

at how empty your life must be.

We will help and hold

and do everything in our power

to help your victim

to support the innocent

to make sure they understand

they are perfect exactly as they are.

You, however, are not.

And that's the saddest thing of all.

NO!

A single word can't hurt anyone

Can it?

What about when it's spoken

to a child?

Words like faggot

freak

retard

spaz

homo

dyke

queer

lesbo

moron

What new words will bullies

of all ages

come up with next

to say to some poor soul

who had done nothing to anyone

(nothing except try to live their life

figure out who and what they are

their purpose in this life)

all to make themselves feel better

about their own pathetic life?

Since you and I

are smart enough to know

to understand

that there is power in every single, little word

let's us

you and I

use one in return; 

NO!

We

Each person is unique
And we see the world
From our own perspective
But what we often forget
Is that in so many ways
We are really the same

We all have fears
And doubts
And baggage we carry around
With us every step of every day

We all struggle with inner demons
We hear the voices
Of our inner child
Wanting to be included
To be loved
And of our worst critic
Telling us our faults
Telling us we are not worthy of love

We all want success
In whatever roles we have chosen
Artist, parent, child
Spouse, lover, businessperson
Humanitarian, and the list goes on

How do we know
When we have accomplished our goals?
What do we attain to quell these fears?
How do we even begin
To go about these things?

The answers are friends
And the sharing of these things
Realizing that no matter what our circumstances
We have common desires
And fears

And when we bring our experiences
Along with our fears and hopes and dreams
And put them out in the open
Amongst friends

Then our individuality
Can shine in our shared experience
And we will each succeed
When supported by the others

Insomnia

I suffer from insomnia

I've tried warm milk 

that reminds me of my great, great aunt

and how she made that for me when I was a little girl

I've tried sleeping pills

not the kinds that come with the warnings

that you may do things in your sleep

you wouldn't normally do...like drive

but the kind that are the PM in Tylenol PM

run-of-the-mill Benadryl

I've tried having a beer

I can't even say, "or two"

cause I never get past the first one

but even a drink doesn't do the trick for me

I toss and turn

it's one thing or another

I wake up sweating and then I'm freezing

but the answer is not the thermostat

or the bedding, or my nightclothes, or lack thereof

it doesn't matter what tricks or remedies I try

The thing I need to sleep through the night

is you pressed up against me

an arm over me, around me, holding me

to be sated and spent by you

So, to say I suffer from insomnia

is really to say I miss you

so very, very much

and sleeping without you 

just doesn't seem worth the effort

For Katie

Don't ever think 

or pretend 

that you don't have a heart. 

They are so fragile, 

and so easily hurt; 

but without one

you are nothing. 

Better to feel 

and suffer 

the occasional pain 

that comes from feeling 

than to never 

feel anything 

of any depth at all.

Words I Love and You

The words fall
From your pen
Through your fingers
Spilling from your lips
Droplets of sound
Raining down meaning
Love and sex and pain and yearning
Desire transformed aloud
Aching I reach for you
Fill me with your essence
Your words in physical form
Speak me into meaning
Transfixed by the rhythm
The droplets splashing on the page
Merging with my wetness
As you quench my thirst
What can I ask my love
That you have not answered
With your words
Stroked against my skin
Magical words collide
Poured out into mine
Raging rivers of passion
Tides ebbing out to sea
Salt water emotions
Form rivers on my face
Experiential transformation
Baptismal font of words
Sweat slicked and sated
Gasping out the last
droplets of desire
Words I love and you

Finally Home Again

At the beginning of time
Souls intertwined
Perfection melted together
One entity
In peace
And love
Shattered to hell
Cursed
Damned
Good and evil coexist
Evil left it's mark
Scattering pieces to the winds
And so we search
For those pieces
That fit into us
Those people
That are a part of us
And make us whole
When I hold you
In my arms
And look in your eyes
I see a little piece of me
That was missing for so long
Finally home again

Set Fear Aside

There comes a time
When you must set fear aside
Each moment leading up to that time
Is more painful than the last
As fear closes in
Squeezing every cell
Every fiber
Of your being
Until the simple act
Of expanding your lungs
Is a near-impossible feat of perseverance
Pushing your will power
To live
To survive
Beyond what you think are your limits
Only to find
When you finally say
ENOUGH
I can't live like this
And you step past the fear
Dropping it like the baggage it is
That not only can you now breathe
But that the air is sweet
And full of hope
And love
And you are so much
Stronger
So much more
Alive
So much more
You.
But only after you take that first
Seemingly impossible
Step
And set fear aside.
It's not impossible.
And it is time.

Crap

I am writing
Crap
Thoughts swirling
Torturing
Disemboweling me
And all I can write is
Crap
My brains are oozing out my ears
Art
Ideas
Pain
Images of beauty
Thoughts of suicide
A banal existence
Torture
Freud
And Sherlock
Webster
And Barnum
Candy-ass
Wise-ass
Hocus pocus clowns on parade
And you
Pressure from all sides
Pinching my nipples
Making me squirm
Life
Equations about money
And fairness
Numbers should be
The happiest of things
Create something new
Something
The world can't do without
Something
Razor-bladed truth
Vivisected
Dipped and dunked
In bile
Love and longing
Fantasies of paranoia
Coping mechanisms
That destroy innocence
We are all innocent
Guilty of other crimes
Of being something new
Even as we age
Of wanting more
Out of less
Artists
Musicians
Mystic healers
Opening doors and minds
Let me in, dammit
It's cold out here
In the darkness of my mind
Bright colors
Of love and lust
Contradictions
Emotion
Logic
The train has left the station
And I missed my ride
Ghosts haunting
Dickens words
When all else fails
Reinvent the classics
Originality is a myth
My pain is not new
My heart is not broken
Continuity
From generation to generation
Songs and stories
Are the same
These thoughts swirling
Are not new
Just disturbing
Senseless
Crap

I Found You

As I let go of all the pain

let go of the hurt and the hate

my heart was open and empty

and love came in

As I learned that jealousy

happens when I am insecure

and that passive aggression

is just immaturity, I have grown

As I began to understand 

myself and all my faults

I gained insight into others

and their shortcomings as well

When I let love come in

I began to understand and grow

And as I gained insight

I found you.

Fault Lines

there are fissures

running through my heart and soul

like the fault lines

through a piece of marble

that make some view it as worthless

but a great sculptor

sees and knows

and with a gentle and skilled hand

uses what others see as fault

to bring forth the perfection

the otherwise unseen inner beauty

this artist shaped by other artists

stronger from the polishing

the hammering away

rough treatment

by loving hands

that can't fix the fault

because there is nothing to fix

when that which some see 

as the problem

is really the solution

and the fault lies not with the stone

but with the viewer

Standing at the Water's Edge

I walk down to the ocean
Carrying my fears and insecurities
Hesitantly I step onto the sand
Weak, fragile, and alone
I falter and stumble
Wobbling in the shifting sand
Feeling my way to the water
One sinking, sliding step at a time
I grow tired, my burden heavy
Leaden legs the pain spreading
I unburden my load and rest
Forgetting it on the sand
Trudging onward
I fall into a rhythm
Letting myself look ungainly
Because it feels right

The more I relax
And let the sand dictate my pace
The easier it is to move
And my footing becomes firm
With each step forward
I gain new confidence
Focusing on relaxing
Feeling my strength grow
The roar of the ocean unnerving
A cacophony of sounds
Drowning out my thoughts
Bringing a deafening silence
The sea salt spray sandblasts
Wearing away self-doubt
Eroding my facade
I am left with me

The dawn slowly lifts
Newly born out of the waves
Pink and peach then glowing golden
Bringing light and warmth
For a moment as it rises
The sun seems trapped
Against the crashing surf
I wonder at the unseen chains
Sympathizing, I have my own
Invisible shackles pulling me down
Struggling spirits united
Breaking free to soar
I tentatively move closer
The waves and the water pull me in
Calling in a voice
That only the soul can hear

I am afraid of the deep, the unknowing
Fearing what lies beneath
I am alone and vulnerable
Easy prey for my fears
Testing the water
Feeding the waves one toe at a time
Hungrily they lick at me
Eating away my fears
The water is cool yet warm
How is that possible?
Impossibly soothing
Calming my fears
Standing at the water's edge
Listening, feeling, smelling
Senses reeling
I am finally centered




Originally published October 8, 2010

For So Long

when you're not aware 

that something is missing in your life 

you feel nothing about it.

you don't know what you don't know

but when someone pulls back the curtain

and exposes the giant gapping whole in your life

in your soul, 

your very existance...

you don't know you're missing something 

until it completes you

you can't help but feel 

an exquisite sort of pain
heartbreaking emptiness

that the missing part 

not only IS missing

but that it HAS BEEN missing...

for so long

Floating

Taking your face in my hands.

Kissing you so

slowly

achingly

slowly

tasting your drink on your tongue

sighing

feeling my heartbeat catch

then flutter

then race

nuzzling you

head to head

sighing in your ear

sucking on your earlobe

as if it could ever be a suitable substitute

for anything else

but want

to be sucking you

in any way

need to

need a lot of things about you

keep getting that pit of the stomach feeling

the same one from a rollercoaster

as you crest a hill

and outwit gravity

for a split second

and all your guts float

so I guess I'm saying

you make me feel like I'm floating