Monday, October 31, 2011

Cool Water

where consciousness and dreams meet
magical place to explore
hiding in plain sight in shadows
realms of darkness in your soul
twisting, spinning, dancing aloft
dizzying spirals
riding the warm updrafts 
butterfly wings
molten lava, angry flames unleashed
hell-hound's fury just barely contained
waiting to spring
cool water, soul restoring
calming, soothing
you kissing me

originally published 9/2/10

I want to be...

I want to be
Your possession
Your treasure
Your magic potion
Giving you love
And strength
And joy
And peace
Healing you
Loving you
Your equal
Your everything

originally published 8/11/10
"Don't Wanna Do" was originally titled "Action and Inaction". It was written in a minute and then I spent the next 30 worrying about what HE would think about it. It was that process of debating how someone would interpret my work that led me to the decision to pull all creative and/or personal works down from my blog.

I am so glad I made that decision; it was the right one at the time. It led me to create ChocolateScotch. Deciding to put my work back up was also the right decision. I had to first get to the point where I was publishing my words for ME; not for anyone else, not because of anyone else, by me and for me.

That little poem means a lot to me. I've learned a lot about myself since it was first written. I've learned how important my words are to me. I've learned that when I need help, all I have to do is ask. I've learned that I have amazing friends who are so very gifted. I've learned a lot about myself; how I work, how I deal with things. I've learned how to handle my depression and keep it from handling me.

That's a lot to put on a simple little poem. But I'm pretty sure it and the woman who wrote it can handle the load.

Don't Wanna Do

Lists of must do
should do
have to do

Don't wanna do
not gonna do
you can't make me do

The child in me screams
and cries
throwing a bloody fit

The adult in me sighs
shrugs off another round of depression
and gets to work

Dance Naked

Her fingers are shorter and thicker than you would imagine a pianist would have
But she stretches past an octave and a third with sheer determination
And knows Beethovan as intimately as her lover
Those same fingers seek out the dial and search for a different sound
Her heart skips the downbeat when the next song comes on
And her foot taps to the rhythm before she consciously recognises artist or title
The music owns her soul and her body too
Her arms criss-cross around her in an odd embrace
And she pulls her dress up and off as she twirls unencumbered by cloth or self-consciousness
Her joy is her own flowing out like a geyser
Erupting from the deep spring that is her soul
And she dances naked across her kitchen singing for all she is worth.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

In stitches

I use my needles
To have a conversation
In stitches with yarn

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Different Doesn't Need To Be Fixed

This morning when I was tweeting all the stuff I had to do and how much I was getting accomplished a friend replied that she wished she had my energy. I first told her that I had been really lazy yesterday so this is what I get. I then went on to tell her that I tend to procrastinate and then work like hell and that is just one more thing I need to work on.
And then I thought about that statement. I've learned my personal style or preference for how I go about things. Give me a deadline and I will meet it. I won't be early, but I will be on time. What's wrong with that? Nothing. That's what.
I understand the mindset of not being comfortable doing nothing when there is something to be done and wanting to get whatever it is done first so that all obligations are met. I understand it, I can't live it.
This difference in styles is one of the fundamental differences between my ex and myself. And, for the longest time I bought into the idea that there was something wrong with me for not having the drive to do it his way. That I was lazy for not getting right on something that needs to be done.
But I have come to learn that I don't operate that way. Like I said, give me a task and give me a due date, and I'll get it done by that date. And, there's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people have the very same work style.
For me, life is more about understanding and accepting myself and others than about finding fault and trying to change things that work for me just because they don't work for someone else. Are there things about myself that I think need to be changed? Absolutely. Is this one of them? Not by a longshot.
So, he (and those that work the same way he does) can get it done first and then bask in their early achievement. I, on the other hand, will procrastinate right up to that critical point when I turn on the afterburners and work like hell.
It may not work for him, or you. But, it works for me and that's what matters. It is, afterall, MY style of doing things.
And, just because it's different, doesn't mean it needs to be fixed.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Color Sense

I started to think
About the senses
And how we experience
The world, in all its richness
Around us
And before touch
Or taste, or smell
Or hearing, or even sight
The word, color
Popped into my head
I tried to dismiss it
Thinking it just a part of sight
And a flash of brightness
Came to mind
And I felt the heat of red
I thought of yellow
And tasted the sour
I thought of pink
And smelled the sweetness
All at the same time
I heard the orchestra
Swell with purple and black
Chartreuse has a peculiar smell
Maybe that's why it's taken me
So long to embrace it
This sense of color
Touches, twines around
Is part of
And yet, separate from
All my other senses
It enhances them
Modifies them
But is something I feel
Completely separately
A perfect thing all its own
So in thinking
About my senses
I've discovered
The most important sense of all
My sense of color

Life Vest

Words wrap around me
Protecting and comforting
Thoughts are my life vest

Happily Adrift

Floating on a sea
Of peace and tranquillity
Happily adrift

Friday, October 07, 2011

For So Long

when you're not aware 
that something is missing in your life 
you feel nothing about it.
you don't know what you don't know
but when someone pulls back the curtain
and exposes the giant gapping whole in your life
in your soul, 
your very existance...

you don't know you're missing something 
until it completes you
you can't help but feel 
an exquisite sort of pain
heartbreaking emptiness
that the missing part 
not only IS missing
but that it HAS BEEN missing...

for so long


Taking your face in my hands.
Kissing you so
tasting your drink on your tongue
feeling my heartbeat catch
then flutter
then race
nuzzling you
head to head
sighing in your ear
sucking on your earlobe
as if it could ever be a suitable substitute
for anything else
but want
to be sucking you
in any way
need to
need a lot of things about you
keep getting that pit of the stomach feeling
the same one from a rollercoaster
as you crest a hill
and outwit gravity
for a split second
and all your guts float
so I guess I'm saying
you make me feel like I'm floating

Colors of My Friends

Color, tint, and shade
thought, emotion, subtlety
colors of a friend.

Broad sweeping brush stroke
painting pictures of my friends
I need more colors.

One is rich and deep
many layers, mostly blues
subtlety of wit.

Flashes of brilliance
and vulnerability
within the layers.

Blues don't excite me
not usually that is
this one is special.

Something about those
layers where life and love lay
in between those blues.

Desert, mountains, air
the color of a deep breath
fire in a soul.

Bold strokes friend of blue
hide the subtlety of you
and so I love you.

This friend I must paint
quickly for he's seldom still
a kaleidoscope.

Colors tumble round
bright, vibrant, colors moving
showing me so much.

Colors of love, lust
mixed with loss, and pain, and hurt
hope and joy there too.

Colors of friendship
strong, deep, safe, gentle brother
jewel tones for you.

For this friend-purple
one of my favorite hues
fit for gods and kings.

A nobility
graceful gentleness, kind heart
described in this hue.

Mischief is here too
the colors of a deep laugh
shading of a smile.

An honest brush stroke
faithfulness above all else
is painted here too. 

The colors of you
make you so special to me
you make me stronger. 

Some friends I hold tight
afraid of my own shadow
relying on them.

They are gracious, kind
patient when I cling too tight
they teach me to fly.

As I spread my wings
I see the colors of them
have rubbed off on me. 

Many friends are new
many colors still hidden
takes time to see you.

But in each, "Hello"
each glance, word, kiss, and embrace
I see more colors.

As you reveal you
add more color to canvas
my love for you grows.

I immerse myself in you
swirl your colors around me
loving learning you.

And in learning you
I find wisdom about me
painting both of us.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Emotional Amputation

‎​People talk about their heart
Aching for someone.
‎​It's not my heart that aches
‎​It's my skin

‎​To feel him against me--curled around me.
‎​That's what hurts the most
‎​Like phantom pain
‎​After an amputation

‎​As I wake in the morning
‎​I can feel him there
‎​Feel him beside me
Feel him inside me

‎​And then I open my eyes
‎​And the sense of loss is so overwhelming
‎​I start off each day with that kind of pain
‎​And yet, I survive