I Found You

As I let go of all the pain

let go of the hurt and the hate

my heart was open and empty

and love came in

As I learned that jealousy

happens when I am insecure

and that passive aggression

is just immaturity, I have grown

As I began to understand 

myself and all my faults

I gained insight into others

and their shortcomings as well

When I let love come in

I began to understand and grow

And as I gained insight

I found you.

Standing at the Water's Edge

I walk down to the ocean
Carrying my fears and insecurities
Hesitantly I step onto the sand
Weak, fragile, and alone
I falter and stumble
Wobbling in the shifting sand
Feeling my way to the water
One sinking, sliding step at a time
I grow tired, my burden heavy
Leaden legs the pain spreading
I unburden my load and rest
Forgetting it on the sand
Trudging onward
I fall into a rhythm
Letting myself look ungainly
Because it feels right

The more I relax
And let the sand dictate my pace
The easier it is to move
And my footing becomes firm
With each step forward
I gain new confidence
Focusing on relaxing
Feeling my strength grow
The roar of the ocean unnerving
A cacophony of sounds
Drowning out my thoughts
Bringing a deafening silence
The sea salt spray sandblasts
Wearing away self-doubt
Eroding my facade
I am left with me

The dawn slowly lifts
Newly born out of the waves
Pink and peach then glowing golden
Bringing light and warmth
For a moment as it rises
The sun seems trapped
Against the crashing surf
I wonder at the unseen chains
Sympathizing, I have my own
Invisible shackles pulling me down
Struggling spirits united
Breaking free to soar
I tentatively move closer
The waves and the water pull me in
Calling in a voice
That only the soul can hear

I am afraid of the deep, the unknowing
Fearing what lies beneath
I am alone and vulnerable
Easy prey for my fears
Testing the water
Feeding the waves one toe at a time
Hungrily they lick at me
Eating away my fears
The water is cool yet warm
How is that possible?
Impossibly soothing
Calming my fears
Standing at the water's edge
Listening, feeling, smelling
Senses reeling
I am finally centered




Originally published October 8, 2010

Sleepless Insecurity

You haunt my dark night

thoughts of you send me sleepless

into tomorrow.

My voice's echo

reverberates around me

it too is alone.

The night's blackness clings

an inky residue left

hanging on my soul.

No point in crying

 only insecurity

to share in my tears.

The cricket's chirping

lullabye for other souls

mocks my dreamless state.

As the world slumbers

alone awake and alone

my sentence final.

As the dark night lifts

ushering in the new day

so lifts my spirit. 

At dawn's first flicker

ember of hope glows in me

as I wait for you.

My fragility

held down so well in the light

runs free in the dark.

I question myself

I question all that I know

when left with myself.

I can't ask my friends

to be at my beck and call

because I am weak.

A heavyness falls

slowly drifting down on me

perhaps now I'll sleep

I am not myself

when fear and lonliness strike

or am I more me? 

Friends see my failings

they give encouragement, love

they don't exploit them. 

Rationality

doesn't always play a part

in how things affect.

For example: You.

Loving you was not my plan

and yet it happened. 

Eyelids closing now

thoughts of you help me relax

holding you in dreams.

Originally published September 13, 2010