Tia, we'll miss you.

@TiaLBrink.  We'll miss you.

Why? The brightest shining lights

full of love and joy and hope

always first to go? 

Grief, the pain of loss

settles over all of us

a heavy blanket.

Teardrops raining down

souls in pain crying out to

the one who has left.

Don't go, we need you!

family, friends, and your child

all lost without you.

She would want laughter

recounting happier tales

even you Cooley.

We must remember

to hold each other gently

and say, "I love you".

For we never know

when a last day is dawning

or the end is near.

So I say goodbye

to a very special soul

we'll miss you Tia

The Harlot

It's 05:40 on a Sunday morning. I've been awake since around 3:00. Insomnia is my friend. Well, not really but if I call it my nemesis it doesn't change the fact that I almost never sleep well and only makes me angrier about it. And what good is that? At this point I am simply glad for the 3 hours of sleep I did manage before I woke.

When I wake at odd hours I do try to just roll over and go back to sleep. I swear I do. When that doesn't work, and it rarely does, I then pick up my trusty Blackberry and see if any of my best friends whom I chat with are awake as well. This is the one time where a big time difference actually comes in handy. Sadly, no luck today.

Next up is checking Twitter. And, even though I have friends there from all over the globe and just about very time zone again, no luck today.

At this point I try to roll over and go back to sleep again. However, between a peeling sunburn and a series of mosquito or spider bites I am also suffering from my worst case of itchy-back in years. As if the insomnia isn't enough on its own. By the way, keeping a double pointed knitting needle by your bedside is a huge help when trying to scratch that spot you can never reach on your own in the middle of the night.

So, I go back to the Blackberry and open the browser. I tend to forget that this cute little "smart phone" is really a full computer (practically anyway). There in the bookmarks is "Yarn Harlot" the blog of Stephanie Pearl McPhee.

When I first taught myself how to knit I read every post on Steph's blog. It was in reading the Yarn Harlot that I learned to be fearless. In all things knitting and fiber related. I learned about knitting socks. And lace. I learned about spinning. And indie dyers. I learned lots of ways people can screw up their knitting. And, lots of ways to fix the screwups.

The Yarn Harlot gave me the courage to try lots of new things. Because, if the new thing didn't work out well, so what? It's just sticks and string. That newfound courage with yarn and knitting gave me courage in other areas of my life. The courage to start a blog (this blog in fact). Courage to try dyeing my own yarn. Courage to get to know and appreciate women. And most importantly, the courage to find out who I am and be myself.

Well, with all those new and wonderful things going on in my life I got away from reading Steph's posts. This morning I started working my way back through her recent posts. In doing so, I remember what I love about her and her blog; this woman can really write! And she is an amazing knitter in both quality of her work, and the speed at which she produces it. I don't know how she manages to knit, spin, put together classes and events, write her hysterically funny books, have a life and family and friends, and put it all out there for the world to read about with such amazing style.

For the first time in a long time I won't mind being so tired today. Were it not for this blasted insomnia I wouldn't have rediscovered the Yarn Harlot and her wonderful way with words or more importantly, her amazing way of living life to the fullest and doing those things which bring you the greatest joy. Thanks for everything you do Steph for knitters, for women, and for humanity.

When I grow up I want to be just like her.

Patience and Trust

Time pulling me

away from you

oh that it were miles

bringing me

closer instead.

A slow turning fan

stirs a cool breeze

fluttering the sheet

caressing my skin

and I think of you.

Dark days

of blue and black

soul bruises

Memphis music

no turning back.

When the pain is too much

I pull inside

my little shell

where it is only me

and I am safe.

I am learning to trust

you pull me to your chest

your loving arms my shelter

a greater peace here

with two instead of one

Patience

is a virtue

just not

one of mine

unfortunately.

Learning

patience and trust

takes

patience and trust

*sigh*

What do I do?

What do I do when I know I've made the right choice but it hurts so much to stand up for myself that I wish I hadn't? What does it say about me that I'm wishing I could go back in time and choose a dysfunctional relationship over a happy future? The pain is that great right now.

What do I do when I say I want my kids to come first and my spouse agrees but then threatens my life in a screaming rage in front of the kids? How do I trust him again to do the right thing if he lets his pain and his fragile ego be more important than the emotional well being of our boys? I understand he's hurt.

What do I do when I'm trying my damnedest to be a calm, rational, kind and fair person and all he seems to care about is his own ego and money? I don't have any intention of screwing him financially but why does he think I would want to or worse think I would let him do that to me? I've already stood up for myself, I'm not about to back down now.

What do I do when I tell him that he is a good man with good qualities and a good father and in return he tears me apart telling me that I've been nothing but selfish, a terrible partner, and a terrible mother (in front of my children)? I talk of being fair and that's what I get.

I've hurt him terribly. I understand that. I have apologised profusely for that. That was never my intention. He wants to hurt me in return. I understand that too. And he's starting to do a pretty good job of it. I have no doubt that he's just getting warmed up and that I can expect plenty more. But what he fails to understand is his own hypocrisy. He agreed to make the children the most important thing through this and as soon as his ego was bruised again that agreement went right out the window. I stood by my word.

I didn't just gain enough strength to stand up for myself once. I gained enough strength and continue to build strength to stand up for myself and my kids from now on.

I will continue to say that he is a good man because he is. But I have a new truth to add to that and that is that he is a weak man. He has proved that by putting his children behind his own ego and by worrying about money before his childrens' emotional well being.

He complains that I have pulled back from my family and been distant. Yet these last few weeks when his kids have needed him more than ever he has been so consumed by his own pain that he has barely been able to function at all let alone be there for them.

So he can sling all the arrows and mud he wants. I will continue to remain as calm as I possibly can. He can fight about money. I will argue for fairness. He can massage his wounded pride and his ego. I will worry about our kids.

That's what I will do. But if you'll excuse me I need to go cry my heart out cause being strong is killing me.
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