Sunday, August 01, 2010

What do I do?

What do I do when I know I've made the right choice but it hurts so much to stand up for myself that I wish I hadn't? What does it say about me that I'm wishing I could go back in time and choose a dysfunctional relationship over a happy future? The pain is that great right now.

What do I do when I say I want my kids to come first and my spouse agrees but then threatens my life in a screaming rage in front of the kids? How do I trust him again to do the right thing if he lets his pain and his fragile ego be more important than the emotional well being of our boys? I understand he's hurt.

What do I do when I'm trying my damnedest to be a calm, rational, kind and fair person and all he seems to care about is his own ego and money? I don't have any intention of screwing him financially but why does he think I would want to or worse think I would let him do that to me? I've already stood up for myself, I'm not about to back down now.

What do I do when I tell him that he is a good man with good qualities and a good father and in return he tears me apart telling me that I've been nothing but selfish, a terrible partner, and a terrible mother (in front of my children)? I talk of being fair and that's what I get.

I've hurt him terribly. I understand that. I have apologised profusely for that. That was never my intention. He wants to hurt me in return. I understand that too. And he's starting to do a pretty good job of it. I have no doubt that he's just getting warmed up and that I can expect plenty more. But what he fails to understand is his own hypocrisy. He agreed to make the children the most important thing through this and as soon as his ego was bruised again that agreement went right out the window. I stood by my word.

I didn't just gain enough strength to stand up for myself once. I gained enough strength and continue to build strength to stand up for myself and my kids from now on.

I will continue to say that he is a good man because he is. But I have a new truth to add to that and that is that he is a weak man. He has proved that by putting his children behind his own ego and by worrying about money before his childrens' emotional well being.

He complains that I have pulled back from my family and been distant. Yet these last few weeks when his kids have needed him more than ever he has been so consumed by his own pain that he has barely been able to function at all let alone be there for them.

So he can sling all the arrows and mud he wants. I will continue to remain as calm as I possibly can. He can fight about money. I will argue for fairness. He can massage his wounded pride and his ego. I will worry about our kids.

That's what I will do. But if you'll excuse me I need to go cry my heart out cause being strong is killing me.
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