Monday, July 02, 2012

Random thoughts about learning and relearning lessons

Yesterday was a rough day. The weekends when my younger sons aren't here with me usually are.  One of the things I still struggle with (there are many) is that it's okay to enjoy myself when they're not here. 

I should be thankful for the alone time, something I never felt like I had enough of when we were all together 24/7, but I'm just not used to how complete it is.  It's one thing to want to carve out a few hours at a time, but this is so different.

I think I'm also still afraid of what others will think or say about me as a mom if I actually learn to like the time I have to create or pursue my passions. Why that is something I waste time or energy on is a whole other post. I need to let go of that negative thinking. I need to learn that I can't control what others think or say. I need to stop getting in my own way and blaming others. 

I love my kids. That they know that is all that matters. I am learning to love myself. That's the hard part. I have 5 days out of every 14 where I am completely alone. Yes, my oldest son lives with me but he is starting to have his own life and I need to not get in the way of that with my insecurities and fears.

I guess what I need to start doing is not just set grand, lofty, somewhere-out-there-in-a-future-far-away goals but closer ones too and then do the work of scheduling the work (and actually doing the work itself too) to accomplish all that I want, all that I can dream.  I'm wasting time being depressed.  We all understand that time is money. So, I am squandering away a fortune when I spend a day on the couch.

It's not enough to just dream, I need to get up off of my butt and DO. Ugh. 

Yes, these are things I already know. And yet I seem to have to learn them over and over again. I'm wondering when that will stop. Are there things I've finally learned that have become part of me and I missed it? Hmmm....

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