Validation

I remember when the world
Seemed so very big
I tipped my head back
To look so far up
Everything I did
For words of approval

I got bigger
And the world got smaller
Still I longed to be told
That someone
Anyone
Was proud of me

Different people came and went
Teachers and bosses
Who mattered little
In comparison to family
But at least they told me
Occasionally

I like to think that everything
No matter how devastating
Or painful
Can have a positive effect
If only you look
For the good

So while I've given up hope
Of hearing that others
Are proud of me
I've learned to tell myself
To tell that little girl
That she's done something right

And more importantly
I make damn sure
That when my little boys look up
For that validation
I tell them how very proud I am
No matter how big they get

Crazy Talk

Some of my plans are practical
Some seem half insane
Crazy talk I call them
While I continue planning

The difference between
Today and yesterday
Is that yesterday
I was too afraid to plan

Living with fear and stress
Is an excellent way
To keep your self from dreaming
And from doing too

When the fear was overcome
And the stress vanquished
Dreams, ideas, and goals
Came flooding in to take their place

All of my wonderfully crazy ideas
Had been waiting patiently
For me to find my voice
And start talkin' crazy

And now that crazy talk
Is slowly taking shape
Into crazy ideas and concrete plans
Not so crazy now

I'm Numb

I'm numb
After all the anger
All the rage
There is no happiness
Only exhaustion
And relief
And an overwhelming sense of numbness

When all is said and done
Nothing gets said
Of your temper
Or my affair
And it all comes down to numbers
Money
Who owes whom what

We separate all of the things
Share the kids
And move numbers back and forth
From column to column
Until we're equally unhappy
And able to live
With the results

I never understood
And I guess no one else ever will either
Unless they've been through it too
How completely
Soul-suckingly awful
A divorce could be
Until I went through it myself

I've been sad
And depressed
For so long
That I'm finally giving myself permission
To feel something else now
I'd like to feel happy
But all I can manage is numb

While I Wait for You

I am my worst nightmare
And my most exciting dream
Forever jumbled together
Never do they seam

All my future tomorrows
Changed forever by my past
If I focus first on today
I might just make them last

I hear your voice across the distance
Softly in my ear
I wish there was more that I could do
To forever bring you near

But this jumbled mess of me
Is destined to be alone
The best you can do to untangle me
Is whisper through the phone

I've been in your arms before
And know I will be again
No matter how long that takes
I don't want any other men

I'd rather come to terms with
And chase down my own desires
Than figure out how to explain it all
While fanning other fires

If someday someone comes along
Who can see me in all my tangled mess
And understand and accept me as I am
I will gladly tell them yes

And in the meantime I am content
To follow dreams old and new
Pushing myself to dream bigger
While I wait for you

Hot Sax

Strong hands slowly trace
my patience away
Moving to the rhythm
Of my desire
Teasing motion from
Hips with no shame
Until I growl in your ear
Like a pack-a-day blues singer
Chasing after the high note
One step at a time
Sax playing
Bass thumping
Syncopated punctuation
Intimate conversation
Trailing off in a chorus
Of sweat
And panted breath
As you take mine away
With your timing
And flawless performance
That leaves me begging for more

To Live

To live is to dream
Of happiness and success
Unthinkable achievements
Everything begins somewhere
What better place
Than in your dreams

To live is to laugh
Deep and hearty and strong
Laugh lines are the marks
Of a well lived life
See the funny in everything
Especially in yourself

To live is to learn
Something new each day
Challenge yourself and others
To improve, to question, to grow
New skills start as questions
What ifs and what's next

To live is to grow
Stronger each day
Stand tall and proud
And believe in yourself
If you don't, how can anyone else
You can make a difference

To live is to do
Old and new things
Something every day
Push boundaries, stretch minds
Challenge yourself to do more
Find your passions and pursue them

To live is to love
Starting with yourself
You are so special
You deserve nothing less
Life is far too short
To spend a moment without love

So dream your biggest dreams
Keep smiling
Keep pushing onward and upwards
To new and bigger things
But most importantly
Remember you are loved

The Children

The children are listening
To your words, your sounds
They hear what you aren't saying
As much as what you are
They hear your moods
Even when you don't know what they are

The children are watching
The world and all its craziness
The violence and destruction
The big people who act so small
They see it all and try to make sense of it
Even when it makes none

Where are your words?
When are your actions?
How are the children supposed to understand
When you and I are as lost as them?

Let Down

I've been let down easy
And let down hard
I don't mind
And I don't blame
I'm learning to re-evaluate my expectations
And they're no longer great
Maybe it is a little sad
To not expect love in your life
But maybe it's a happier existence
Than to constantly hope
Only to be let down

if I pretend to believe

if I pretend to believe

cause I'm pretty sure I don't anymore

that love is still possible

love that is possible in the first place

cause I've found plenty of love

it's just not possible

as my loves already have other loves

and I am a distant second

or even a far-off third

so they really aren't possible at all

is there the slimmest of chances

that it will find me

even though I've just about given up

on finding it myself

or will it give up on me too

the way I've given up on it

and then maybe the whole thing

will be called on account of rain

My Apathy is Boundless

my apathy is boundless

constant struggle to find meaning

when I am certain there is none

am I kidding myself?

can I do this? any of it?

and even if I can

survive

is that all I can do?

I'm not sure the big picture

is much bigger than that

so many ideas

so many dreams

constantly fighting the urge

to start something else new

when there's already so much begun

time and the heretofore mentioned apathy

are my enemies

that is until you factor in laziness

and the ever present

artist dancing daydreaming

if I try to remember

and yes, I said, 'try'

because I've given up on promises

to take one idea, one dream at a time

can I do it? is that enough?

Sign The Petition

There is a documentary called "Bully" that should be shown to every kid in high school in the US. Personally, I think it should be shown to every kid over the age of 10. Regardless, as it stands right now, this film can't be shown in any schools because the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) gave this film an R rating because of strong language. The very same language used by kids is what could keep them from seeing this film.

Please sign this petition asking the MPAA to change the rating for "Bully" to a PG-13 one so that it can be shown in schools where hopefully of can do some good.

Why Hate?

Why hate?

Why push someone else down

to lift yourself up?

Is there no other way for you?

Would it be so fucking funny

If you were the one being pointed at?

Shoved to the ground?

Stepped on?

Can you learn?

Or is it too late for you

to see the error of your ways?

What can we do to teach you?

Or are you simply incapable

of feeling empathy

putting yourself in others' shoes?

I feel so sorry for you.

I can only wonder at you

at how empty your life must be.

We will help and hold

and do everything in our power

to help your victim

to support the innocent

to make sure they understand

they are perfect exactly as they are.

You, however, are not.

And that's the saddest thing of all.

NO!

A single word can't hurt anyone

Can it?

What about when it's spoken

to a child?

Words like faggot

freak

retard

spaz

homo

dyke

queer

lesbo

moron

What new words will bullies

of all ages

come up with next

to say to some poor soul

who had done nothing to anyone

(nothing except try to live their life

figure out who and what they are

their purpose in this life)

all to make themselves feel better

about their own pathetic life?

Since you and I

are smart enough to know

to understand

that there is power in every single, little word

let's us

you and I

use one in return; 

NO!

She Is

Spine straight, chin defiant
This woman will stand her ground
She will bleed for her babies
And so will you if you cross her
What needs done she will do
She is a mother
Spine curled, lip trembling
This little girl is scarred
She will cry in your arms
Head buried in your chest
Desperate to be protected by you
She is a child
Spine arching, mouth open in a moan
This goddess is ecstasy
She will come for you
Giving and taking pleasure
You belong to each other, body and soul
She is a lover
She is all of these things
And more
This creature is contradictions
She is confusion and conviction
But most importantly
She is yours

Lists

I have lists a mile long
My lists have lists
Broken down by category
And sub-category

Moving
Money
Bills and more bills
Kids
Business
Necessary evils like taxes
And cleaning
Always cleaning

Then there's the lists for wishful thinking
That serve no purpose
Other than to keep me from screaming
And help distract
An already distracted mind
From the lists that matter

There are days
Let's face it; hours and moments really
When the lists don't motivate
They depress
And when that happens
My apathy becomes palpable

I know that when I fight the desire
To curl up in a ball
And hide from the world
Three more things are adding themselves
To a list somewhere.

I can hear them
Taunting me
Daring me to cross them off
Wipe them out of existence

Meh, maybe tomorrow

We

Each person is unique
And we see the world
From our own perspective
But what we often forget
Is that in so many ways
We are really the same

We all have fears
And doubts
And baggage we carry around
With us every step of every day

We all struggle with inner demons
We hear the voices
Of our inner child
Wanting to be included
To be loved
And of our worst critic
Telling us our faults
Telling us we are not worthy of love

We all want success
In whatever roles we have chosen
Artist, parent, child
Spouse, lover, businessperson
Humanitarian, and the list goes on

How do we know
When we have accomplished our goals?
What do we attain to quell these fears?
How do we even begin
To go about these things?

The answers are friends
And the sharing of these things
Realizing that no matter what our circumstances
We have common desires
And fears

And when we bring our experiences
Along with our fears and hopes and dreams
And put them out in the open
Amongst friends

Then our individuality
Can shine in our shared experience
And we will each succeed
When supported by the others

Her Sharpened Claws

Her sharpened claws
Rake repeatedly along his flesh
Not doing any damage
But leaving red welts
As she plays with her food

A Soft Breeze Tickles

A soft breeze tickles
Gently carressing my cheek
And I think of you

Insomnia

I suffer from insomnia

I've tried warm milk 

that reminds me of my great, great aunt

and how she made that for me when I was a little girl

I've tried sleeping pills

not the kinds that come with the warnings

that you may do things in your sleep

you wouldn't normally do...like drive

but the kind that are the PM in Tylenol PM

run-of-the-mill Benadryl

I've tried having a beer

I can't even say, "or two"

cause I never get past the first one

but even a drink doesn't do the trick for me

I toss and turn

it's one thing or another

I wake up sweating and then I'm freezing

but the answer is not the thermostat

or the bedding, or my nightclothes, or lack thereof

it doesn't matter what tricks or remedies I try

The thing I need to sleep through the night

is you pressed up against me

an arm over me, around me, holding me

to be sated and spent by you

So, to say I suffer from insomnia

is really to say I miss you

so very, very much

and sleeping without you 

just doesn't seem worth the effort

Joyously Celebrating

When you came into my life
I awoke from a long slumber
I had been world weary
For so long
Soul tired and uninspired
In a misty grey fog
You lifted the veil
That hung in front of me
Kissed away the apathy
Held me in your arms
And made love to me
Until my heart sang
With you I made a discovery
I found the woman
I was meant to be
Full of hope and joy
Laughter and love
I found my voice
Now the words flow out
In rivers and torrents
Passions promise unleashed
In syllables and sounds
Lifting me soaring
As my words take flight
Spreading my wings
Arching skyward
Soaring as you touch me, take me
And the words flow out
Joyously celebrating life
And love.

Doorway

A doorway is
An introduction
An invitation
A building's business card

It welcomes you
Or not
What lies behind?
Who?

A simple opening
Closed
Guarding the interior
Hole in a wall

Framed
Gilded
Decorated description
Of life and things within

May I come in?

Dragon's Wing

Dragon's wing

orange and red

against a field of blue

dipping, soaring

engines roaring

bringing me to you

Tea

When all else fails you
Tea with toast and yummy jam
Will fix what ails you

Unless that tea is
So goddamn mother fucking
Hot it burns your mouth

Words

I know of joys
Like touch and taste
Like feel
And cum
And kiss
But when those things are gone
All that's left are words

Words
That let me spew my thoughts
My every desire
Words that let me cry my pain
In ways that don't involve
Loud bangs
Or hot lead

Words that you listen to
Without comment
Or concern
The only sound I hear
Besides the voices in my head
Are the echos of my words
Sine waving back at me

The mathematical representation
Of my every spoken word
Moving through space
To touch things
Not people

Emotionless wave
Surfing over time
It's all math
All numbers and science
All of my emotions
Come down to chemicals
Equations of happiness
Unsolved problems of pain
Of me

But to explain the science
We still need words
Not gods
Or figureheads
Just thoughts and feelings
Insufficiently expressed
In words

Eroding

A Grand Canyon
Formed by time
And it's steady nature
The relentless wearing away
Eroding
Of what was once stable ground
By the constant friction
Of a volatile source
Water slick and shiny
So smooth
Gently bubbling along
The force of its power
Its destructive capabilities
Only witnessed
In the aftermath
When the passage of time
Reveals the beauty exposed

Thank You

When I thought I was at the bottom

you held me through the pain

gave me words

and music

set my soul free

And when I kept sinking

lower than I could imagine

you were the knot

at the end of my rope

that I held on to for dear life

A nervous cat had nothing on me

I trembled at the slightest sound

your voice calmed the storm

chased the demons

told me I would make it through

I believed in you

even when I didn't believe in me

you were always right

so smart, so strong

the answer to my questions

Now I'm so much stronger

no longer afraid

of what the future holds

and still I have the music

now I sing the words

I've let go of the pain

free to dance happily

you are always there for me

friends no matter what 

the future holds

Morning Wakes

Layers of fog
Kitten soft grey fuzz
Blanket the morning
Gently peeled away
By the rising sun.